I am a new girl on the Drag horizon, and my friends say I should wear more make-up and hair. I feel my illusion is just fine with simple hair and natural make-up. What would you say to a 5’1″, two-hundred-pound Asian Goddess like moi?
— I Feel Pretty
Oh, my. Listen to me good, Miss Who Flung Who. Natural is never a word used when drag is referred to. You can never have enough hair or make-up. Ever. And given your dimensions, I should remind you that some extra Cover Girl ain’t gonna do the trick. What you’re covering up is that you’re all Boy, and plenty of it. Take your friends’ advice, or the only one who’ll get to catch your show is someone like a poor, unsuspecting UPS man who has the misfortune of ringing your bell.
My friend is hooked on crystal, although he tells me he’s clean. I know he’s not clean, and now I’m noticing that money is missing from my house — usually after he’s been there. I’ve tried to help as much as possible, but I’m thinking I should put some distance between us. What do you think?
— Drug-Free in D.C.
I think you’re one-hundred percent right. Crystal/Tina will leave you in the gutter, and stealing is never okay. The rule of thumb is "When you and your shit get in the way of me and my shit, it’s time for you to go." You have been a friend, but as Grandmother has said before, "Cut that cancerous limb off before the sickness spreads to the rest of the body."
This may sound strange, but I’ll go ahead anyway. What is the safest way to color and perm pubic hair? Is there a special method, or does one just pour it on? Is there a setting time? Also, are there any dye and perm brands that specifically made and hygienically safe to use “down there?”
— Curious Georgette
Perm is acid. Acid will irritate the skin. In theory, I suppose, you can perm pubic hair, but I’m not sure why you would really want to. Do that many people see it? And isn’t it curly enough as it is? (Besides, if it’s long enough to style, maybe it’s a trim you need to be thinking about.) As far as color goes, after a consult with a drag queen hairdresser friend, she summed it up best: “Girl, even in our line of work, the illusion must stop somewhere.” If you’re absolutely determined to make all fields colorful, consult a professional (and open-minded) stylist about your options. But remember, a hint of mystery goes a very long way.
Are you shopping for your fall wardrobe? Why not get a new outlook on life to go along with it? (They’re all the rage in Milan, you know.) Tell Miss Lena what’s bothering you so she can make it all better. Write to email@example.com.