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Dear Miss Lena,
I like to use poppers during sex but my boyfriend doesn’t. He’s tried them and liked them, but now refuses purely “out of principle." How do I let him know he’s a much better bottom with them than he is without? Or should I just give it up?
— Popper Topper
You may think he’s a better bottom with poppers, but he may not enjoy it as much you assume, and the “principle” thing could just be his way of changing the subject. If it means that much to you, talk to him more about it. But ultimately you have to respect his position, so to speak, and decide if you can be happy with him being popper-free if that’s the way he intends to stay.
I just turned 25 and I’ve now been in D.C. for two years. My gay life starts at 17th and R Streets and ends at 17th and P. Not that it doesn’t serve its purpose for a night out with friends, but I’m looking for new roads to meet men. Do you have any suggestions of where to go looking that doesn’t require going outside of the beltway? Please don’t say coffee shops.
— The Next Best Thing
Within a few pages of this very column, you’ll find listings for fun gay hangouts all over the city. Green Lantern, Ziegfeld’s, Badlands, Wet, Titan, DC Eagle, Sheridans, La Cage, VelvetNation…they’re all off the 17th Street corridor. You can also meet men online, at church, out shopping, or the gym. You only have to decide what type of man you’re after, then go where he can be found. Seek and destroy, honey!
Why can’t things stay the way they were? I met my guy seven months ago, and everything has been great. I thought we matched perfectly, including in the sack. I’m on top and loving every minute of it, he’s on bottom and enjoys a thorough workover. All of a sudden he craves a reversal of positions! He claims it wouldn’t be too often, but the thought just makes my stomach (and another body part) shrink in fear. He’s hung like a horse to boot. We tried once and were halfway successful, and I felt like hell. I wish I could oblige — loosen up, so to speak — but can’t seem to stop dreading it. I don’t wish to lose this guy, and we’ve talked about threesomes — maybe that will get me off the hook. Is that the only solution?
— Fear of Incoming Missile
Remain calm, my precious pot roast. You’ve convinced yourself that you’re incapable of enjoying the receiving end of a “thorough workover." (Let me guess, Turkish prison fantasy, right?) But that’s simply not true. All men are designed to enjoy anal stimulation. Not everyone does enjoy it, but it’s not like they got faulty parts installed at the factory. They’re just too hung up about it. If you truly want to accommodate your wonderful man’s reasonable request, and enjoy it, you can. Now, the good lord knows the last thing we need in this town are fewer tops, but still, you can look in the sexuality section of almost any major bookstore and find books devoted to the issue of men’s anal pleasure. As you explore the topic, you’ll learn that you may want to start — perhaps alone, perhaps with your hot b.f. — with a dildo, maybe fingers, maybe both. In no time at all, you’ll be as plowable as they come. I don’t suggest threesomes for this kind of problem, because you’ll be sidestepping the real issue at hand, and in your case, it sounds like you boys have your hands full with each other. I’d try and keep it that way.
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Dear Miss Lena,
Is revenge WRONG? When I broke up with my ex, I was left with mountains of debt, a broken heart, and lots of pain. Anyway, I would love to make him feel as bad as I do. The EX (or as I call him, the “Y”) promotes himself as someone he is NOT, and I would love to expose him BIG TIME. I know doing this would cause him great embarrassment and pain — which might be a good thing. What’s your opinion?
— Getting Over Him (But Wants One More Slap)
Is revenge wrong? Well, yes. Should you let him have it? Well, yes! If exposing him will bring closure to the drama he has caused you, have at it — as long as you don’t dwell on it and allow revenge to consume your life. One good dose of strong medicine may cure the little bastard from hurting another. But remember, you did not get into the hurt and debt without allowing it, so you have responsibility as well for your own mess. Learn from your mistake.
If being gay is defined as two men being attracted to one another, then why do most of the gay men I see out and about act like women and run around saying they need a husband? The last time I looked in the dictionary, it said that a husband is a male and a wife is a female. I’m confused, please help me.
— Language Barrier
Girlfriend, you’re asking me? I wear a dress five nights a week! Still, to answer your query: We are given examples of the family (husband and wife) by society and we as gay men seek to fit into those boundaries — hence looking for a husband. Why do some gay men act effeminate? Probably because our culture teaches us that women get men, and Lord knows that’s what we want. Don’t be confused, just a little more open-minded and a little less literal.
When I was in my twenties I was the one who was sought after for my body and not my brains. In my thirties I withdrew from the bar scene. I recently returned after a lengthy relationship ended and am amazed at the level of hostility we have toward one another without the benefit of getting to know each other better. I was hit on and gently rebuffed the advance because he wasn’t my type, only to hear that I was missing the point of being a bear and was fat! I’ve read the handbook and I am a bear. But what’s happened to gay civility?
— Old School
Never fear, gay civility is still alive. Still, there is no greater pain than rejection. I’m sure that’s what the advancer experienced with your rebuff, however gentle it may have been. The key to going out is to create your own party and fun — and if that doesn’t work, go to get in the way! Just be happy with yourself and the rest will be bear-able.
Give Miss Lena a piece of your mind. Wait, let’s rephrase that. Let Miss Lena know what’s on your mind, and she’ll give you the fresh perspective that could be just what you need. Write to Lena today — use the link at left.