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I feel I’ve screwed up big time. I’ve been seeing a guy for several months, rather seriously. We’ve had some good times together, and I really like him. The problem is I haven’t been very truthful, which is so out of character for me. The big issue is I’m married and I’ve totally omitted that detail from our conversations. I usually tell guys first thing, but before I knew it, we were going out, etc. I never dreamed I would like him this much and we would still be going out and having so much fun. My gay dating experiences have always sucked. I think he would be very upset and hurt if I told him now. Any advice? Should I air my dirty laundry? I’m desperate for some input.
— Jerry Springer’s Next Guest
It’s “so out of character” for you to be untruthful? Can we get an opinion from your wife on that? Honesty is the cornerstone of any relationship, yet you’ve failed to use it in either your marriage or your gay fling. Reality check, buster: if you continue to see this guy without telling him you’re married, he will find out eventually — probably sooner than later — and it won’t be pretty. Do something right for once and let him hear the truth from you. If he has a lick of sense, he’ll run like hell in the opposite direction without looking back. Or maybe he’ll stick around if you’re prepared to do the decent thing — come clean to your wife about your infidelity and your sexuality. Then again, maybe he’s into being “the other woman” if you’re not about to fess up to the missus, in which case I’d say you’re both creeps who deserve each other.
I love your column. Maybe you can help me with my problem. Two years ago I used to be very wild and fun, yet remained safe enough. I was 18, good-looking and had enough friends. Then I met this guy who is now my boyfriend for almost two years. I gave up my social life and my craziness to be committed. And honestly, I was in love and didn’t mind at all. It felt like it was what I had always really wanted. But recently we moved to D.C. and I’ve come to a point where I don’t want to sit around anymore. I’ve been going out a lot, always without my boyfriend because he doesn’t like to go out. And I like this arrangement. But now I’m feeling very confused. I still love my boyfriend, but I don’t feel like we are connecting anymore. We’ve always been very different, but for the first time, I’m beginning to see it as a problem. I like to go out with my friends and I think it is driving us apart. My mind is so confused, I’m wondering if it is just that I’ve fallen out of love, or simply just looking for something different. How can I make my boyfriend understand what I am going through?Â Â
— Really “Living Out Loud”
Be confused no more! Remember Miss Lena’s three Cs of relationships: Communication, Communication and Communication. Tell your boyfriend how you’re feeling. One should never have to give up who they are when entering a relationship, but instead learn to intermingle their gifts and desires with those of a new mate. You’re young, and young people like to go out. That’s perfectly understandable, and your mate should be willing to compromise some on that point. If, however, there are other issues and you feel it is over, put an end to it. Is the fat lady singing? It makes no sense to stay in a relationship once it’s kaput.
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Recently I met someone I felt very connected and close to. From the start we just talked about our lives, our ex-boyfriends, and those horny military stories I have so many of. The first time I spent the night with him, I asked him what his fetishes were. He told me, then asked about mine. I said that I like having people watch me have sex. He questioned it a little then retrieved his roommate and his roommate’s boyfriend. They watched to the end, then fled the scene. Later he asked if our relationship could be a lasting thing, and we both agreed that we wanted it to.
The next morning I told him that he should know something about my past (I’m withholding that from the public). He immediately got concerned when it’s nothing to be concerned about. We discussed it as I took him to work and he said he’d call me the next day. At 3:30 that same day he called and said that this bothered him and he wanted out. I know he may read this but it’s over anyway. Should I have told him, or tell any future potential boyfriends for that matter? What would you do?
I’ll tell you what I wouldn’t do: get everyone all worked up talking about “horny military stories” and your hot impromptu group scene, and then clam up about the actual tidbit that’s at the heart of your question, you naughty tease! Can I get a fire extinguisher over here? Anyway, let’s say that your dark secret is that you once fucked a Labrador retriever without buying him drinks first. (See what happens when you don’t tell Miss Lena everything?) You may have come to terms with your indiscretion and vowed never to do it again, but your new boyfriend hears it for the first time, and he has every right to be freaked out. I mean, who wants to date a cheapskate?
Seriously though, you can’t honestly say it’s nothing to be concerned about, or you wouldn’t have felt obligated to tell him about it in the first place. What you mean is that you hoped it was something that wouldn’t concern him, not that it’s nothing to be concerned about. The past is tricky business, sweetness. We’ve all done things we’d rather not own up to. If there’s something unsavory that a new boyfriend is likely to hear about you from another source, or if it’s something that still impacts your life or your future, then yes, you need to be upfront about it early on. Otherwise, it’s fine to let bygones be bygones.
I moved to D.C. last year to get a fresh start after I broke up with my boyfriend of over three years when he stopped going to counseling for his “cheating and beating.” My work has me traveling back to the city where we used to live. Last week he sent me an instant message and asked me to have sex with him while his new boyfriend (that he lives with) was at work. I was in the dark about his cheating for years and I’m sure his new boyfriend is too. I’m not scared of him anymore and wonder if his new boyfriend should know or if I should just mind my own business.
— Just Trying to Do What’s Right
Your situation is stickier than pantyhose in Phoenix in July. But it sounds as if you’ve moved on with your life. Your involvement in any manner just opens you back up to pain and heartache. Cease communication in full and let nature take its course. The new boyfriend will find out just as you did. The right thing is to continue to take care of yourself.
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