Metro Weekly

Questions We'd Never Ask a Real Lady

Varla Jean Gets Confidential

This Saturday, April 12, the sensational Varla Jean Merman will present her latest show, I’ve Got the Music in Me, at the Carnegie Institute, 1530 P Street NW, at 8 p.m., part of One In Ten’s Laugh Out Loud series. In honor of her first-ever appearance in Washington, D.C., we put the comedienne and chanteuse to the test, submitting her to our Coverboy Confidential questions.

Describe your dream guy.

I love men who are like bookcases — when they fall on top of you, they knock the wind out of you.

Describe your dream date.

Having a man push a bookcase on top of me.

Name someone you admire.

At this second, it is Academy Award nominated and Kennedy Center honored James Earl Jones. I admire the fact that he is so confident in himself that he doesn’t care how disturbing he looks break-dancing to the tune of “Ain’t No Stoppin’ Us Now” in those new Verizon commercials.

Who’s your greatest influence?

A tie between Ann-Margret and Mother Theresa.

What inspires you?

Anyone with passion. Or fifteen dollars.

What’s your biggest turn-on?

A man wearing only a T-shirt and dark socks.

What’s your biggest turn-off?

Weathermen with chunky highlights.

What’s your favorite make-out music?

Anything except Enya — the human equivalent of six Ambiens with a Blue Nun chaser.

What’s your most unusual make-out locale?

My own bed.

What position do you play in The Big Baseball Game of Life?


Describe your last dream.

I actually dreamed that I consoled Madonna after she bombed at a performance. I wonder if she ever dreams about me?

What year would you visit if you could travel back in time and why?

1998. I would stop myself from investing my life’s savings on Beanie Babies.

What kind of animal would you be, and why?

When you’re a kitty cat, personal hygiene can be fun!

Name a bad habit you wish you could get rid of instantaneously.

I wish that, at least in public, I could stop pretending that I’m a kitty cat.

What’s your favorite CD right now?

DORY PREVIN’s Greatest Hits!

What’s the last book you read?

It’s been a while, but I think it was Judy Blume’s “Superfudge.”

What’s the last movie you went to?

Well, (insert shameless plug here) it was a screening of MY new feature film, GIRLS WILL BE GIRLS! ( Coming soon to a theatre near one of the five major markets near you.

What’s the last magazine you bought?

Black Hair.

What’s on your nightstand?

Last night’s earnings.

What’s in your nightstand drawer?


How long do you spend getting ready for work?

I wouldn’t want to spoil my no-nonsense illusion.

How many hair styling products do you own?

Like Whitney Houston, I don’t do my own hair. Like Whitney Houston, I put it in a bag and it comes back styled later that day.

What’s your favorite place to shop?

Ebay. You find amazing bargains. Why, just last week I found someone selling my second album for 35 cents.

If you were on a first date with a guy and he asked you to describe one of your sexual fantasies, how would you respond?

“Could you please strip down to your dark socks and T-shirt, knock the wind out of me, chastise me for being a kitty cat with an obsessive compulsive disorder, and then tell me you paid full price for my second album?”

What kind of vacation would you like to take right now?

One where I wouldn’t be asked so many questions!

Who gets on your nerves?

It would be a four-way tie between Sean John, Puff Daddy, P. Diddy, and Puffy Combs.

What’s your greatest fear?

That my second album would ever sell for less than 35 cents.