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I’ve had a lover for the past three years. He’s 54 and I’m 33. I love him with all my heart. The problem is that lately he isn’t interested in sex anymore, and I’m getting tired of playing with myself. I don’t want to cheat, but it’s getting to that point. I’m a Libra and need some balance in my life — both having sex and simply feeling good when I’m close to my dear. What should I do? I really need help.
— Full of Love
Sex is a very important part of any relationship. First of all, you need to find out why the sex has stopped. It isn’t something that you just lose interest in overnight. If this is someone you’re willing to share bodily fluids with, you should be willing to share a conversation about things that make you happy and unhappy. I do not advocate a sex buddy unless it is something both of you are willing to agree is okay, and ground rules are set before said behavior is engaged in. Communication will bring the balance you seek and it is, above all else, the first step toward resolving your problem.
My boyfriend and I have been dating for about a year, and he recently found out I did porn some time ago. He no longer wants to date me because of my past. I really love him, Lena. What can I do to keep from losing him?
— Bummed Out
Girl, let his ass go. We have all done things in the past of which we’re both proud and ashamed. Who is he to judge you for your past? Until he has walked a day in your pumps, he has no idea what caused you to make the choices you did. Be proud of who you are and never let another individual put worth on you or your life experience. And next time, pop your cinematic achievement into the VCR on the first date. That way you’ll know right off the bat if your porno past is going to be an issue.
I have been in a relationship for two years, and I want to open the relationship, but my boyfriend does not. What do I do now?
What is the reason you want the relationship open? Are you lacking something, or is it no longer a relationship in the true sense of the word? If you are not happy, you need to move on. But if you’re clinging to the relationship just for the sake of having one, that’s wrong.
I’m a 35-year-old bull dyke — I LOVE WOMEN! Lately, though, I’ve been having a hankering for the penetration of a man — not so much desiring sex, just the penetration. At first I thought, “Well, that’s what toys are for.” But then I realized I wanted a flesh and blood person, not plastic and batteries. Since I know in my heart of hearts that I’m in fact a dyke, is this feeling normal among lesbians — i.e., the desire for penetration — or am I simply a confused gay girl in need of extensive therapy?
— Sticky Situation
I suspect that your curiosity about penetration may have overtaken what you’re calling your burning desire for penetration. Perhaps a girlfriend using toys on you would satisfy your desire for the combination of penetration and human flesh. (Two words, dear: strap-on. Or is that one word…?) Of course, it wouldn’t be too difficult to find a horny straight man willing to satisfy your curiosity. But I must say, what men have between their legs isn’t that damned special. It gets hard, it goes in — big whoop. Unless you’re genuinely attracted to men both physically and emotionally, I doubt if hooking up with one is what you really want to pursue.
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I’ve been living with my roommate, who I met through a City Paper ad, for two years. At first, I was deep in the closet. Over the past year, however, I’ve been coming out slowly but surely. Last week, I came out to my roommate, both for the sake of practicality and honesty. We have different schedules and so we’ve never really talked that often or seen each other much, so I guess I never could have predicted how homophobic he would turn out to be. Now that he knows that I’m gay, he wants me out of the apartment. He wasn’t rude about it, but he says he “doesn’t feel comfortable” living with me now. I say if he has a problem with it, he should be the one who moves out, but he’s not budging. I don’t want this to get ugly — what do I do?
— Hating My Domestic Drama
Stop dusting the apartment in a tizzy — that would make anyone nervous! Start by communicating to him that you are the same person, and get him to address some of his fears. My guess is that he believe that people knowing you are gay will lead to an assumption that he is gay as well. If the issue can’t be resolved, there’s no clear-cut “rule” about which one of you needs to go. Yes, he should get with the program and not give a rat’s ass about your sexuality. But there have also been two years of him not knowing something — your closetedness notwithstanding — that it would have been fairer for him to know upfront before the two of you agreed to be roommates. If he feels as uncomfortable as he says he does, then he will move out. Bear in mind, however, that an unhappy home situation plays heavy on one’s mind. If you do not have harmony in your home, it’s a sure bet you won’t have it in other areas of your life either. You may need to weigh that if the situation persists and make the move yourself for your own sanity.
Three months ago, I came out as a lesbian and I’m now in my first girl-girl relationship. Things are starting to get physical and my girlfriend brought up something I hadn’t even heard of: fisting. She explained the concept to me, but I don’t know if I’m entirely comfortable with it. How safe is fisting? Is there a great risk of internal damage?
— On the Fence
Out only three months and already someone wants to shove a fist up there. My word! Fisting is yet another form of sexual contact. As with most things, if you are not careful and safe, damage can be done. If it’s something that interests you, it would behoove you to rent a video that involves this act, or find a book on the subject. It’s certainly not something you’re likely to enjoy if you feel uptight about it, and if you’re still uncomfortable after some research on the topic, don’t do it. There are plenty of ways — or so I’m told by our Sapphic sisters — to enjoy hot lesbian lovin’ without becoming your girlfriend’s hand puppet.
I did the online hookup thing with someone who turned out to live less than two blocks from my building in Dupont. It wasn’t the worst experience in the world, but it’s certainly not worth repeating. Now, it seems like I run into the guy everywhere I go — and he can’t seem to take the hint that I’m not interested in seeing him again. I don’t want to be rude, but it’s really wrecking my nerves. Sometimes I dread another run-in with him so much that I don’t even go out when I need to do something as basic as running into the Safeway. I feel like a prisoner in my own apartment! Maybe he’ll see this in your column and get a clue — or maybe you know of some other way to help me out of this pickle.
Honey, honesty is going to be the only thing that will save your nerves. You have to tell him the truth, in no uncertain terms: “I had a good time but I am not interested in pursuing it any further.” The longer you avoid setting him straight on this issue, the longer you will feel like you’re hiding out. Washington is a small community when it comes right down to it, and I’ve said it before: learn a lesson from dogs — don’t shit where you eat! When you do online hookups and one-night stands, often you will start running into your tricks everywhere. It’s the nature of the beast.
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