Hearsay

Gay Softball World Series, Aubrey's Retirement, Leather Flea Market

Hard or soft, they’re all big ol’ balls to usÂ…
An androgynous legend announces retirementÂ…
Psst, want a used sex toy?Â…

Hearsay has long concerned itself with softball — in the Big Soft Ball Game of Life manner. Hearsay enjoys a good pitch, every now and then, as well as a catch or two. And it’s had quite the success hitting balls, sometimes taking one for the team (you know, the team) on the chin. And let Hearsay tell you — if the velocity is a little on the fast side, it doesn’t matter if the balls are soft, they still hurt. Hearsay once had a fling with a shortstop known to his teammates as Thumbelina. (Gay locker rooms can be just as cruel as straight ones, though the fungus is often more attractively arranged.) So imagine Hearsay’s excitement — glee, really — as it learned of the arrival of over 3,000 athletes (a few of them men!) at the 27th Annual Gay Softball World Series. Sponsored by the Chesapeake and Potomac Softball and Crabcake League, an organization that prides itself on delivering crabs to the masses, the series will decide once and for all who is the best team in the universe, after which it will attempt to visit the best little whorehouse in Texas, which everyone knows is a ranch with a big ol’ B on it.

You couldn’t miss the sudden influx of out-of-towners — the shiny, happy people who actually say "Hello! How are you today? Would you care to feel my bulge?" in passing, without you having to buy them a drink first or give them a glimpse of your broken bat ("This has never happened before! Honest!"). Hearsay is determined to walk the bases all this week, stopping at every sponsoring bar — including Le Eagle, Le Green Lantern, Le Titan, Le Apex and Le Nation. And it might just even check out a game or two, but it really doesn’t relish being bored to death. So it will just let the players play during the day and drink heavily with them at night on its own Astroturf, which cleans up easily after a vomit spill.

The first pitch of the series was the official Welcome to Washington Party this past Sunday evening, held downtown (really, really downtown) at the 4th Estate Grill, a way off-the-beaten path pub that normally appeals to the straight aspects of our society but for one glorious night became a space for big ol’ girls (some of them women!). Alan "Just Happy to Be Here" Gibson, the manager of the Mary’s Naturals team from Houston, struck out searching in vain for a welcome committee. Hearsay struck out waiting in vain for the busload of ballers that the welcome committee rep, Robert "Mr. Official Gay Washington 2003" York, promised early on. The always-prideful York was a last-minute volunteer for the night, and apparently b-boys were to stream in from the host hotel’s shuttle bus. Trickle is more like it. While sixty made the rounds in the large space, the throngs of b-boys and their admirers streamed up and down 17th Street between Cobalt and JR.’s like runners trying to steal home. As the night wore on and the crowd thinned out, many a softballer could be seen going extra-innings with a trek across south Dupont to the always spirited crowds slithered into the Lizard Lounge, where Mark "I Love the Nightlife, I Love to Boogie" Lee was seen recruiting some All-Stars to pose for photographers. The paparazzi sure know where to goÂ…

It is with a heavy heart that Hearsay reports that one of Washington’s biggest All-Star performers, the big-hearted androgynous Aubrey (is it man, woman, vegetable?), is heading for retirement. Aubrey is, you guessed it, moving to New York at the end of this month to try to mount a one-person extravaganza entitled My Life as Liberace’s Decadent Nephew-Niece-Cucumber. His/Her/Its last performance in D.C. (ever!) will be in September at, where else, Velvet. The date is still being worked out, but keep your calendar open. You got us so crazy in love, Aubrey, Hearsay’s begging you not to go. Please?Â…

This just in: The first annual Leather Flea Market will be held this Saturday, August 23, from noon to 6 p.m. at Titan. Sponsored by Defenders LLC, the event will feature all kinds of items — from used leather and BDSM toys to videos, magazines and household items (think spindles). Participating clubs include (but are not limited to): Spartans MC, Centaur MC, Highwaymen TNT, SigMa, DC Boys of Leather, Potomac MC and the FFA (again, think spindles, this time clenched). Proceeds will go to charityÂ…

Got some gossip? Write Hearsay at hearsay@metroweekly.com.

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