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I am 19-years-old and have been out for almost two years. I’ve only been in one relationship, which ended after three weeks when he cheated on me the night after I gave up my virginity to him. My problem is that I go to a very conservative college that does not attract a large openly gay population, and I am not into the club/bar scene so I have trouble meeting guys. Recently, when talking to someone I had found through online personals, he told me he would not be my first serious relationship because he did not feel I was ready for one. I personally feel like I am long overdue for a relationship, but he says that I should stop looking so hard for one. But I want a relationship so much because it seems like everyone else around me has someone. I don’t know how to stop looking for something that I want with all my heart. How do I let love find me instead of searching so hard for it, as this guy says I need to do?
— Lonely in Baltimore
Miss Thing, he cheated on you two weeks into your relationship, the night after you lost your virginity to him — my grandmother said it best: “Men are dogs!” That particular child had issues, so you should grieve and move on. Put him out of your head and chalk him up as another toad you must kiss before getting to the prince. As for your current search, you have somewhat limited yourself by not being into the club/bar scene, but remember that gay men are like American Express: they’re everywhere you want to be, even in conservative colleges.
What alarms me is your measuring stick. No, not that one honey — I mean the one that’s telling you that you have to be in a relationship because everyone around you is in one. Remember, we are all different. When you judge yourself by what you perceive as the success of others, you only set yourself up for failure. Also, immediately talking about serious relationships with someone you just met online usually scares the crap out of most boyz. Think of a relationship as putting something on layaway. The potential for it is there if you want it — if you take time and work at it, you can get it. Slow down, stop judging yourself, and seek the friendship first. All else will follow. It’s a slow path, but I assure you it’s worth the wait.
I just moved to the area about four months ago and I can’t ever find anywhere to go that has events somewhat catering to the African-American females. I was wondering if you had any suggestions and advice on how to meet women.
— Stranded in VA
Short of rushing to a tractor pull or the LPGA tour, you should check Metro Weekly‘s Community Calendar and Nightlife listings for events that may catch your interest. You should also pick up the local lesbian magazine WOMO (available online as well at www.womo.com). I have two very close African-American lesbian friends who once dragged me (no pun intended) to a professional women’s basketball game — Magic, Mystics, who knows the name of the team, but my word, there were lesbians for as far as the eye could see. Everywhere you turned there seemed to be another one. I had never felt so feminine in all my life. As for meeting women, get involved, be yourself, and have fun. You’ll be sure to meet plenty of people with that approach.
Have a problem you can’t solve on your own? Feeling lonely and lost in your search for love? Just need a shoulder for support during a rough time? Lena’s here to help. Send your questions to firstname.lastname@example.org.
I’m a 51-year-old male. I do not look my age, so I am told. I am average looking, but I don’t consider myself ugly. What really makes my stomach crawl is when I read personal ads saying "I’m a handsome man with a beautiful body looking for the same." In whose eyes do these men think that they are handsome? Do they look at themselves in the mirror every morning and say: "Gee, I’m handsome." Are they egotistical? Or are they like that Greek god Narcissus? I know to some people this is a real turn off. Can you help me to understand it?
— Average-Looking Guy
Would you prefer they start their ads with “Ugly man with shitty body seeks handsome gay male with great body?" One does not capture the affection of another without having some pride in one’s self first. You must know how to love yourself before you will ever be able to love another. Don’t get me wrong — I’ve seen some self-described beautiful bitches that couldn’t win a beauty contest if they were the only contestant, the pageant was held in their living room, and their mother was the only judge. The key is balance. When seeking another you must display some form of confidence in yourself and I believe that is what these boys are doing.
I’m not into the gay scene or bars but I’m a younger guy curious about guys who like guys. I’m looking to meet men in D.C. who are mature gentlemen, sophisticated and around their fifties. Where do you suggest I meet men like this for casual conversation and possibly making new intimate friends?
Well, my little one ,this is where you get to play Agatha Christie (if you’re too young to know who she is, go look it up). Ask yourself where would sophisticated, fiftysomething men be gathered. The type you are looking for would most likely not be into the club scene but more interested in cultural events or lounges. There comes a point when we get older that we realize that the conversation we have with others is more important then the music pounding in our ears. Seek places that offer an atmosphere of conversation. You will find your queen there.
Last year I was in a relationship with a man whom I loved, but was not “in love” with. We were great companions and friends and enjoyed so much of life together. The sex was only OK. But I was feeling like I was missing that other something — a depth of emotion towards him (which I haven’t experienced ever, with anyone). I was about to move back across the country to be with him, but I am a city boy and couldn’t move to a small town again. So I stayed here and he’s there. Ever since, and even now, I am haunted by thoughts of him, what fun we might be having and that life is passing me by without him. He could move here. Should I wait “till something better comes along”? Should I invite him back into my life again and just choose to be with him? Am I the only one to be so profoundly tormented by lack of loving feeling?
Honey, first ask yourself what it is that you are seeking. You say that you have never experienced this “emotional depth” with anyone. Is your need for this “emotional depth” an unrealistic goal or a defense mechanism? It isn’t clear to me what you mean. "Do you love him?" and "Are you in love with him?" should be the criteria you use to make your decision. If you are not in love with him then you should let him live his life. Drawing him back into your life because you may be missing something or while waiting for something better to come along is cruel and wrong. If you are in love with him, then draw him close. You seem to enjoy his company and you can always spice up the sex with videos, toys, fantasies, drag queensÂ…