Hearsay
White Party, American Brotherhood Weekend, JR.'s
Aqua Boy’s throbbing good time at the White Party…
American Brotherhood Weekend’s winning quartet…
Meeting Boy Wes at JR.’s…
Hearsay begins its week by turning over a portion of its column to its top secret circuit clubbing cohort, Aqua Boy, who recently spent a weekend funning and sunning at the White Party in California:
After months upon months of rigorous mental and physical preparation (including a Potassium-only diet and daily kickboxing bouts at the gym), followed by a long, lovely bronze shower (also known as a spray tan), and Aqua Boy was primed for Jeffrey "Where is Christina?" Sanker‘s annual dance du jour — the White Party, or as its known in some remote parts of Spain, La Festivale de la Una Paloma Blanca. The self-proclaimed "gay jewel of the gay party circuit" annually lures men from across the nation to the desert oasis known as Hairy Palm Springs. Aqua Boy was ready to find some hairy palmed treasure himself and with the thousands that arrive for the weekend, Aqua Boy’s odds were looking pretty damn good. (Aqua Boy has throbbing needs, you know.) Feeling a lot naughty and not a bit nice, Aqua Boy decided to head over to the opening Friday night party, Dungeons and Drag Queens. What a treat to find hundreds of men in the middle of a desert decked out in leather (talk about sweating it out). Aqua Boy was happy to hear that the darling DJ of this dark ball was none other the Manny “Oh, Mr. Grant!” Lehman. With his shirt off and glasses on (or was that the other way around?), Manny played the room like a rock star — even DJ Brett "Tabernacle" Henrichsen came out to dance. The real star of Aqua Boy’s night, though, was the stars sighting of "adult actor" Johnny "Dukes of" Hazzard on a box where he was dancing in nothing but a black jock and construction boots (or was that the other way around?). Aqua Boy offered Hazzard a screwdriver, to which Hazzard presumably muttered, “Not too shabby for a Phillips head. Now somebody find me a few Phillips to give me some head!” After a night of the dark and dangerous Aqua Boy was utterly delighted — because Aqua Boy’s natural state is one of utter delight — to roam outside at one of White Party’s famous Pool Parties. There were pools of water, pools of mansweat, pools of manjuice, and pools of orange juice. Lots of pools. The delightful bass — because how can a bass be anything other than delightful? — began throbbing promptly at 10 a.m. and continued throbbing until 6 p.m. when it slowed momentarily to a pounding pulse before revving back up to a throb. It then promptly stopped throbbing altogether, leaving Aqua Boy to wonder if a Viagra might not help revive things. The event was a whirlwind of sun, sounds and way too many Speedos, or should we say Speed-No Nos. Kristine "Pat, I’ll Take a" W came to save the crowd’s soul with some singing, dancing, and even saxophone playing, but no throbbing. Who knew she could blow so well? Afterwards, Aquaboy decided it was time to rest up before the actual White Party and the throbbing that would ensue there. In an unexpected twist, Aqua Boy came upon what could have been the beginning of an interesting situation. It seemed an SUV full of "adult entertainment industry" stars was stranded in the parking lot — their engine would not turn over, among other things. Always being a gentleman Aqua Boy offered to jump-start their engine, despite the fact that Aqua Boy had no car at his disposal. They didn’t appreciate our humor, as "adult entertainment industry" stars are a rather serious lot. They don’t smile unless there’s money involved.
Aqua Boy was weary of the foreplay and ready for the main event. The outfit was ironed, the legs stretched, the hair was perfectly coiffed into a tight fin-like point — Aqua Boy was ready for anything! Anything! To Aqua Boy’s dismay the White Party was pretty vanilla. The Palm Springs Convention Center is more suited to a Bricklayer’s convention than a pretty boy circuit party. The large space made the evening very impersonal and Tony "Protégé" Moran‘s choice of vague songs didn’t help matters. Still, to his credit, Mr. Sanker does know how to throw a T-dance. Sunday’s Rio Carnivale Sunset T-Dance was Aqua Boy’s absolute favorite event of the whole weekend. DJ Kimberly "Pat, I’ll try an" S was the perfect compliment to the sensuous and exotic atmosphere. Her energetic — and yes, throbbing — set was the perfect score for the outdoor dance held at the foot of the majestic mountains of Palm Springs, also known as the Magic Mountains, for their mystical gnomal healing properties. With love swirling in the air (or was that pollen?), Aqua Boy decided it was time to risk its life and one good limb and ride the legendary White Party Ferris Wheel. From high above Aqua Boy were able to watch the beautiful sun set behind the mountains — was that a gnome! — and listen to the intense throbbing below. Now that is what Aqua Boy calls paradiseÂ…
Hearsay usually reserves Sunday as a day of rest, so it decided to visit a place well known for its relaxing properties — JR.’s. After a few Bloody Marys Hearsay was happy to report it was feeling extremely rested. Hearsay was thrilled by a surprise guest appearance from reality-TV star Wes "Where’s James?" Culwell from Boy Meets Boy, coming soon to DVD, so you can relive every suspense-filled minute. It seems Wes had stopped by the Victory Fund’s Burp the Politician Champagne Brunch earlier that day and was now looking to kill some time before heading to New York, where he was scheduled to give a motivational speech to a pod of whales. JR.’s welcomed the unexpected star with a clip from Mad TV‘s parody of Boy Meets Boy. The crowd turned to Wes to gauge his reaction — you could hear a pin drop — and the gloriously down-to-Earth Wes immediately started laughing. "Ha, ha, ha," he laughed. "I think it’s great. Ha, ha, ha. They are hilarious." He then added, "Andra hates them though — she won’t watch it." Oh, Andra, get a sense of humor, girlÂ…
Hearsay must now take a moment and congratulate the winners of this year’s 2004 American Brotherhood Weekend titles. American Leatherman went to New York City’s Robert "It’s My Favorite Ice Cream" Napolitano, while American Leatherwoman went to "The Perfect" Storm, of Asbury Park, New Jersey, which explains a lot about Storm. In the "younger" category, Terry "Shoeless Joe" Brown of Kansas City, Missouri took American Leatherboy, and was heard to mutter, "You people don’t know anything about Barbecue here — hand me that live pig please," while Libby "Libby Libby on the Label Label Label" Abate of Fresno, California, took American Leathergirl and shrieked "Winning this cooks my candied yams — wanna taste?" The event — expertly produced by Schelli "Fly Like an Eagle" Dittman and Max "The Bride Came C.O.D." Steiner and held this year at the Sheraton National Hotel in Arlington, Virginia — raised an impressive $40,000, to be divided among The Attic, the GLBTQ Youth Center in Philadelphia, the Dandelion Dog Rescue in Forks, Washington (which, coincidentally, sits right beside the city of Plates), and the TravelFund. Among the highlights of the weekend, a Friday-night VIP reception performance by Abigail, whose hits include "If I Don’t Fit," "Falling," "You Set Me Free," and the lesser-known, relatively obscure "Spank Me in the Morning (Then Just Walk Away)"Â…
Got a birthday you want mentioned? How about a bee in your bonnet? You can always try to sweet-talk Hearsay into mentioning it. Fill out Hearsay’s web form at www.metroweekly.com or write Hearsay at — what else? — hearsay@metroweekly.com. That is all. You may now go back to cultivating your hairy palms.
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Hearsay
Sunday Mass, Lizard Lounge, Titan
An amassing of hot boys on Easter Sunday …
Lounging at the luxurious Lizard later on …
Titan welcomes a circle of friends …
How was your Easter Sunday? Cold and damp, in all probability. Not Hearsay’s though. Hearsay was blind but now it sees, in vivid color, after having had a Sunday Brunch of biblical proportions at Logan Tavern, seeing as how Hearsay Easter feasted with Saul & Paul, a sight-for-sore-eyes twosome from New York who were visiting Brandon "Birdie" Dubroc and other friends. And that’s not to mention all the pastel bonnets, red cherries and bulls, and tan hides Hearsay saw in a colorful April weekend in Washington. Let’s start at the top, as ever. "Pray for me," one friend asked Hearsay, who asked that Hearsay not name him, for fear that others might think he wasn’t just being facetious. See, this man — let’s call him Howard — with the sparkling smile doesn’t need to be prayed for, he merely needs your pity. Poor Howard, he spent his life’s savings to get tickets to both Madonna shows at the MCI Center. Now here’s the funny part: he truly thought this Madonna was Jesus’ mother, resurrected. Of course there was nothing immaculate about Lourdes’ conception, or of the pricey Reinvention tour. What some will do for the mother of us all. Anyway, Hearsay knew just what he meant. Hearsay figuratively, sacrilegiously obliged his "pray for me" request by once again worshipping at the shrine of Blaine "Lilies of the Field" Soileau located at the House of Holy Red Bull otherwise known as Sunday Mass.
It seems there are different tactics for getting to Club Five on those Sundays when mass is commenced in front of the altar of red-lighted glass-blocks, cologne dispensed in the bathroom and hours at the gym recompensed on the dance floor. Service begins at 6 a.m., and some fired-up parishioners saunter over straight away after all other nightclubs in town call it a day. Hearsay’s done it before and will do it again. Andy "King of My" Cassell was among those who did it this time, just to name one person. But it seemed more fitting for Hearsay, on Easter Sunday, to be as fresh as a summer’s eve. So Hearsay went to bed ultra-early on Saturday night with the help of a quick handjob followed by a handful of Tylenol PMs. Unfortunately, Hearsay took the Tylenol PMS’s instead and simply got really mellow with its cats. Me-ooooow! Eventually, Hearsay withdrew itself from the litter box, dusted itself with some homegrown catnip, and went over to Massland. There it found Soileau playing a ginned-up dance version of the gospel number “Oh Happy Day” followed by an original gospel version of "Amazing Grace." That brought the house down, which remained packed until the lights came up, and the masses were lassoed out by Mass’s Stephen "Carpenter of All Trades" Weber and Mike "Laser Tag" Leaver. Among the masses asses, Hearsay was most fond of seeing the cushy buttcheeks of homegrown international pornstar Tag "You’re It" Adams. It was Tag’s birthday weekend, and he was already eagerly anticipating his big present to come later that day, when fellow porn-king Michael "What’s Bigger Than Big?" Brandon was set to pop into town. Which begs the all-important question: If there’s no camera to record the blessed grunt-worthy event, do porn stars still bother to screw? Hearsay may never know the answerÂ…
After Mass, Hearsay did that brunch thing, wondering just how many porn stars would comfortably fit, daisy chain style, around Logan Tavern’s community table? Hearsay then stood out in the cold for many, many, many hours because Hearsay felt like relishing the last remnants of Winter 2004. Eventually, Hearsay wound up at the Lizard for a bit of Lounging. Hearsay didn’t see any Easter bunnies at Mark “Smoke Anywhere You Want” Lee‘s vastly popular event, but it did see giant hard-shelled Easter eggs about to hatch and Cherry 9 Director Aron "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" Wilson, back from an out-of-town business trip. And Hearsay was blown away, as always, by the beats and bass of Kostas the Greek, a DJ sensation like none other. He practically sang along to his own kind of hardy, hearty music, shouting something like, "You never quite know where I’m’a gonna go/like my mix of ‘With or Without You’ and ‘How Will I Know.’" Hearsay also saw Sean "There’s Nothing Like a Kostas Groove" Eagler and his boyfriend, local DJ phenom-in-the-making Rob "You Mean Except My Groove, Don’t You Honey?" Harris. Also present among the reptile-crazy crowd: the 17th Street cocktailers Nick "Up The Ante" Thompson and Mike "Down The Panties" IzetaÂ…
"Look, it’s not that often you meet other boys from Nebraska," Gregg "Mutual of Homoha" Parks said as he was surrounded by two other cornhusker cowpokes — including his friend, Joe "Farmhand" Pigg — Tuesday, April 6, at Titan. Well, Joe, in Hearsay’s experience, you can never meet enough boys from Nebraska. It’s the ones from Montana — the crazy, wild-eyed ones who live in remote little shacks and craft “neck massagers” out of plastic explosives — that you want to steer clear of. Moo. Why was Hearsay at Titan? Why, for the fourth monthly outing of Friends of Friends D.C., a happy hour social gathering organized by D.C.’s happiest social couple, Keith "I Cater to Mark" Petrack and Mark "I Cater to Keith" Morgan. They ought to cater to the pigs-in-blankets, if you ask Hearsay. Among the friends who appeared, like magic: Rusty "I Hate Being Wet but I don’t Mind Using It" Kelly and Joey "607!" McNair, both of whom told Hearsay big, important, World-Policy Defining secrets that Hearsay will take with it to its grave or to the next congressional hearing it’s asked to testify at, whichever comes first. (Which reminds Hearsay — it hasn’t dropped Barney Frank‘s name in a while and Hearsay just deplores itself for passing over the former Teen Titan from Massachusetts for so long.) Back to some semblance of reality: The friends filled up Titan’s middle, which is also being filled up on its own, Hearsay discovered, through an elevated seating area that’s being constructed, seemingly to better accommodate TV viewing parties. That Glnn “American Chopper” Mlaker, always surprising Hearsay with something new. In fact, Hearsay heard a rumor that, in honor of Hearsay’s upcoming 10th Birthday, Glnn is considering naming a burger after Hearsay. It’s still under development and may not be on the menu before Fall of 2008, but an unreliable source told Hearsay that this particular Hamburger Mary‘s yumburger would be fashioned from 100% Fat-Free, Florida-Bred Gator Belly and will be served with a heap of onions, pickles, relish, another heap of onions, mustard, sauerkraut, a gherkin or two, yet another heap of onions (this time the adorable little smelly green ones), a slathering of strawberry jam and a side of Aussie-brand Ostrich egg salad. Hearsay’s tummy is getting all rumbly just thinking about itÂ…
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Hearsay
Apex, Velvet, JR.'s, more
Apex for Passover, Velvet for Palm…
Get well wishes and kisses for Eddie…
JR.’s braces for bonnets…
Last weekend, Hearsay danced its proverbial kiester off — well, at least a couple pounds of kiester blubber that sooooo needed to go, to ready itself for the summer months. The dancing didn’t help, Hearsay’s still a bloated balloon primed to pop at the gentlest prick. But Hearsay still had an absolute blast whipping up a merengue mash at Chaos on Thursday during its raucously randy Latin Night Dance Party. It’s always a nice change of pace to enter a place where you actually see gay men rushing to the dance floor every time a diva comes on the speakers. Okay, so the rushing is no change of pace at all. But the divas are: from Celia "Late Great Salsa Queen" Cruz to Thalia, Chaos gets that Latin blood boiling. After all that rushing, Hearsay was happy as a fluttering quetzal to see among the caliente crowd its old friends Juan Carlos "SONY" Vega, Antonio "Passion" De Jesus, Carlos "Sabor" Gomez and Arturo "Amor" Ramos. After last Thursday, though, Hearsay’s weekend plans got waylaid. Yes, waylaid. Not way laid. Not this weekend. But waylaid as in delayed. And then, they just got laid to waste. Well, partially. What — or who — could cause such a wicked ambush? Who else but momma? That’s right, on Friday night, Hearsay’s momma called and asked if Hearsay was coming home for Passover. Passover? Again? Already? So soon after last year? Hearsay would rather pass over the oversized sawdust crackers it’s forced to eat on this night (in case you’re wondering why Passover night is different from all other nights) and the mighty Gefilte Fish, which is the only aquatic creature known to swim belly up and backwards as it hums the best songs from Fiddler on the Roof. Momma laid on the guilt that Jewish and Catholic mommas know best. That’s right, this momma’s a twofer. Well, Hearsay had a mind to stay home, but not after momma guilted Hearsay for two solid hours Hearsay was whimpering and sniveling and looking to find commiserating buddies. Maybe a nice commiserating buddy could be found online, Hearsay thought, deviously. Wouldn’t that be a hoot, to bring home to momma a nice shegetza that Hearsay met on a sex site. Wonder what momma would say to that? Hearsay guesses it would sound something like "Oy, vey!"
But because Hearsay’s downright uptight, Hearsay forewent logging on and instead opted to hang out with Jeremy "I Was Once A Clinton White House Intern" Rausch. The Rauschmeister — "Why do people think of Monica when they see me?" — was Hearsay’s commiserating buddy, since he too was debating when to leave to visit his grand-momma for Passover: Saturday or Sunday. Saturday or Sunday. Look, Jeremy, it’s not a life-threatening choice, but why not make it Sunday, Hearsay suggested, to put off the misery as long as possible? Rausch agreed as he and Hearsay set out for a Friday night danceathon at Apex. There Apex bartender Stacey "Tequila Surprise" Vasquez ably took care of us while Randy "God Is a DJ" White played music that had us bumping our sweltering groins in perfect tandem. White, Apex’s "Big Fun" DJ of ole, ushered in Apex’s month-long run of Friday Night Hot DJs brought out according to the club’s promotional materials, by April Flower. What then, Hearsay wondered, will May Flowers bring to the hot spot? More of the Flower Power regulars, for starters, boys like Eric "Cherry Blossomed" Muhl and Keith "Daisy Raisin" ScottÂ…
The next night, Hearsay was set to hit DJ "Professional-Grade" Mandrill‘s new and improved Deep End party at 1355 H Street NE, because it had been too long since Hearsay’s last dip in Drill’s sea of soul-nourishin’ serenity. Formerly held Wednesday nights at Andalu, it made a worthwhile jump to the best night of the week last month. Say Hallelujah! Hearsay was eager to hear that night’s Soul Disco Jam. But Hearsay’s two-headed monster momma called yet again, this time pleading Hearsay to come home for Palmistry Sunday. Her call gave Hearsay an idea for what to do that night. "Momma," Hearsay said, "how ’bout I go to Midnight Mass tonight in D.C. instead of coming home, and have the preacher share thoughts of you from the pulpit?" Momma hung up, knowing full well what Hearsay had in mind on a Saturday night. Debauchery.
Faster than you can say "and a very great multitude spread their garments in the way; others cut down branches from the trees, and strawed them in the way," Hearsay followed the palm fronds on the floor and the hanging crosses to Blaine "The DJ Is A Preacher" Soileau‘s House of Sacrilege Saturday, usually known as VelvetNation. Actually, it’s usually known as SundayMASS DC, the event Soileau and crew host every other week on Sunday in the after-after-after-after-after-after hours at Club Five — including this very Sunday, Easter Sunday. (Hearsay hopes to see Soileau spinning with his bootylicious bunny tail bare, as he apparently did once before — for evidence, do an Easter Egg Photo Hunt at www.sundaymassdc.com/pictures.html) At Velvet’s regular-hours event, he brought in Rob "This DJ Is A Bishop" Harris, to help him serve communion. They led the service from the stage — that’s right, the DJ booth in the back was empty. And they led it shirtless, which inspired a massive wave of congregants to rip off their shirts in a exhibition of unity. Local boy Kenny "Did You Hear That?" Taos sang his electronic, high-church camp rendition of the classic hymn "Amazing Grace," produced with local electronic artist DelphiniumBLUE. Hearsay once was lost, but now it’s just goneÂ…
Speaking of Velvet, Hearsay must take a moment to send out get-well wishes to Ed "Burlesque" Bailey. Bailey’s doing better now, Hearsay’s told, but he spent the full weekend of Velvet’s Fifth Anniversary Party in the hospital, after suffering a collapsed lung, a result of a blood clot from surgery on his broken foot. Here’s to Bailey standing on both of his two feetsies again at Velvet soonÂ…
Finally, Hearsay is readying its finest Easter bonnet for the Annual Easter Bonnet Contest at JR.’s, an event that makes even the non-religious shout out in pious joy. If you’re interested in entering, ready your own bonnet — the more extravagant and outlandish and LARGE, the better — and get thyself to JR.’s by 6:30 p.m., where you must seek out Dave "Hoppin’ Down the Bunny Trail" Peruzza and become one with the contestant application form. The contest begins ever-so-promptly at 7 p.m. and there is a First Prize of $250 which can be traded, Hearsay supposes, for Jumbo Eggs, if so desiredÂ…
Got some hot gossip? A birthday you want mentioned? A somewhat smallish penis that you’re not ashamed to share with the world? Write Hearsay at hearsay@metroweekly.com or fill in its handy webform at www.metroweekly.com.
Support Metro Weekly’s Journalism
These are challenging times for news organizations. And yet it’s crucial we stay active and provide vital resources and information to both our local readers and the world. So won’t you please take a moment and consider supporting Metro Weekly with a membership? For as little as $5 a month, you can help ensure Metro Weekly magazine and MetroWeekly.com remain free, viable resources as we provide the best, most diverse, culturally-resonant LGBTQ coverage in both the D.C. region and around the world. Memberships come with exclusive perks and discounts, your own personal digital delivery of each week’s magazine (and an archive), access to our Member's Lounge when it launches this fall, and exclusive members-only items like Metro Weekly Membership Mugs and Tote Bags! Check out all our membership levels here and please join us today!
