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I am a 32-year-old gay male. I have rarely experienced an orgasm during sex. I can get an erection and generally maintain it during sex regardless of position. I can even have an orgasm if my partner isn’t around. I have had a few instances where it was much easier to have an orgasm with a stranger, when I was the bottom, in not so perfect of circumstances (i.e., a bathhouse). Many of my committed partners have complained. Some have said I jack off to much and that causes my problem. Facts to consider include: I have never had sex with a women because I do not doubt my homosexuality. I don’t recall ever being sexually abused, although I was abused physically and mentally due, in part, to my sexuality. On a few occasions I have had a feeling of "lockup" as if the semen went into the bladder. Ninety-five percent of the time I never reach climax. I suffer from depression but do not take any meds. Is my situation unique? Should I worry? Should I do something about it?
— Possibly Worried One
In order to give you the best possible advise I consulted with my crack team of physicians, Dr. Timothy Price and Dr.Â Thomas Qualey. As you know, due to years of hard living I am being held together by strings, paperclips, and good old MAC eyeliner. The doctors and I agree that you should first visit with a urologist in order to rule out any sort of physical problem. It seems from your description that the problem rests in the area of intimacy, which makes it an issue for you to address with a psychologist. I do not think you should worry. Yes, you should do something about it because it has caused issues in the past and I am sure it will cause issues in the future. Plus, you deserve to live the fullest possible life, and this is a stumbling block to that. No need to worry, seek the counsel of professionals, and build a better you. You may contact Dr. Price and Dr. Qualey directly (www.pricemedical.com) or e-mail me and I will refer you the information you need.
I am a 72-year-old gay man living near Palm Springs, Calif. I have fallen in love with a 48-year-old man living near Harrisonburg, Va., and he is in love with me. I am in the process of selling my house so I can move to Virginia to be closer to my lover. I need a small cottage in or around Harrisonburg. Being so far away from that area I do not know from whom to get some help as I don’t want to bother my friend with all this stuff. I would like to know if there is any Senior Housing there that I could rent as I have a wonderful 3-year-old Standard Poodle named Buddy. Please help.
Short of following an Ensure delivery truck around Virginia I have not a clue. I do think, however, that if you are willing to sell all that you have and move to another state with your dog in tow, asking the man you love for some help finding housing is a small request to make. You must be happy in your space to make yourself a happy life, so do not be afraid to ask your partner for his input and assistance.
I’ve been seeing lots of guys for a while now, but most of them never last more than two or four weeks. I can never seem to go the next step with anyone. I know I look good. I’m not exactly Adonis, but my build comes close. Guys are always clamoring to at least get my phone number, but then they quickly lose interest. I could never figure out then why guys didn’t want anything more with me.
Recently, however, I’ve discovered the problem. They say you shouldn’t focus on what people look like, but on who they are inside. Apparently, Lena, guys don’t like what they see. After compiling some info from past dates, it seems that guys are turned off by my supposed “immaturity” and my conversation ability. Granted, I’m still young at 21, but I have my own place, work and go to school, and take care of myself. My friends tell me that most guys I meet feel it’s almost love at first sight…until I open my mouth. Do all conversations have to be intelligent? Can’t men just joke around? What more do men want from a guy? Aren’t the daily trips to the gym enough? Now they want me to change who I am?
—Mr. Lacks Personality
Honey, never — and I repeat never — change who you are. Not all conversations have to be intelligent, however it seems to me that this is becoming a problem for you. You don’t have to change who you are, but you can look at some ways to expand your range of conversation. Do not change who you are but perhaps you should expand your range of conversation — it’s always a plus to be able to talk about a number of topics, whether your own pursuits, current events, or other common interests. Remember that silence can be golden. Take the time to hear what the other person is interested in and find similarities to talk about from that. If you are looking for
someone to date you will want to be able to carry on a conversation with him about anything. If they are unhappy with what they see, then you just haven’t shown them the whole picture. You are young with lots of life experience. Convert that experience into enjoyable conversation and there will be no holding you back.
Oh wise and wonderful knower of all things, I have a dilemma and was wondering if you could bless me with your counsel. A few weeks back I ended a two-year relationship and I think I’m ready to find me a new man. But those things can be some elusive little buggers(pun intended). I’ve met one or two guys, but they both seemed to have cracked open their heads on the very shallow ends of the character and gene pools. Oh great oracle of Lett, can you please help me find a good man? I’m not really that picky, I just need him to have big brain with wit, an even bigger heart (plus any other large qualities he may have), and be able to take him out in public without being accused of making him myself out of tin foil and tooth picks. Where, oh where, oh vaunted one, can I find him?
— In Awe and Lonely
If I could conjure up a man like that do you think I would be wearing women’s clothing and giving you advice? Seriously, it seems to me that you have your own very precise expectations of what you want. You want brains — that reminds me of a story. I once took this young man home to meet my grandmother. After they had a chance to chat I asked her, “Well, what do you think? I know he’s not that smart.” To which she replied, "You can read and write. That’s not the gift he needs to bring to the table." Be careful not to eliminate a potential mate because he does not fit the exact mold you have set. We do not always fit into the expectations of others. Men are everywhere, so put your best self forward and let them find you. When you expend all your energy on the search you only find yourself frustrated or, worse, settling for second best.
I’m not sure if I’m currently in a relationship or not. I have been seeing this woman for about four and a half months and everything is good, but she doesn’t want to put a stamp on us as being IN an relationship because she says it complicates things. Maybe its just me and I’m rushing things but it seems like its been a long time that we’ve been with each other and I don’t know what our status is. What should I do?
You need some sense of definition. Bear in mind that in the grand scheme of things four months and change is not a lot of time. Her unwillingness to label your relationship for “complication issues” seems to be luggage from past experiences, which she may need some help in dealing with. If you need this label, as I sense you do, you have to confront the issue with her. Are we friends or are we lovers, because as I rule I do not sleep with my friends. Well, perhaps that one time when I was drunk and he helped me off with my pantyhose. But what boundaries are established and adhered to will help you label this relationship. Remember, a relationship requires equal commitments of honesty and love. Far too often we let past relationships dictate our perceptions of future ones. She may have some cleaning to do before you get the label you need. Patience will bring the future. For now, enjoy what you have and work through this with communication.
I recently placed a personal ad. While I did not specify that I was looking for a LTR or a BF, I think maybe I should have. The men who responded to my ad were mainly attached. Nine out of ten of them have either a boyfriend, husband or wife! Is the dating pool that dismal for a single gay male in D.C.? In my ad, I stated that sex was cool, and that dating would be an option. Did I do something wrong, or are there just no single guys out there who answer ads?
— Flustered in Logan Circle
Honey, when using a tool such as a personal ad you have to be specific about what you are looking for. Ambiguity breeds problems. Make it clear to the reader what you are seeking, in this case a single gay man. The dating pool is not that dismal, you just entered the pond with the wrong bathing-suit on.