Hearsay

Taint, Wet Amateur Night, Velvet Nation, Cookie Buffet


Taint nothing like the real thing, baby…
Amateurs ultimately rule the night at Wet…
What Hearsay wants of Cookie…

Last Sunday, Hearsay stepped quietly into alterna-world, where the queers shave infrequently and don’t dare apply moisturizer to any part of their body. Specifically, Hearsay is referring to the monthly Taint party, held at DC9 nightclub and organized by some guy named Karl, who claims to channel someone name Marx, though whether it’s Harpo or Chico, Hearsay is not certain. In any event, Taint exists to take you back in time, through its sound system and its video screen at the end of the dance floor. It was a time when Prince slithered across your screen and talked about his lascivious non-Jehovah’s "Kiss." A time when Pet Shop Boys actually talked about girls, on the west end at least. A time when the mainstream took a chance on Erasure. But so you don’t get too lost in time and think it’s a glorified retro night, resident DJ Rock "Hard Candy" Chasty throws in all the hipster bands of today, the modern-day versions of those groups. Midway through the evening queer performance artist Taylor "Big" Mac took to the corner stage. Visiting from 14th Street and 8th Avenue in New York, Mac was said to be performing from his one-person show The Face of Liberalism. Hearsay doesn’t know anything about that face or where it showed. But it can report that Mac was dressed in a skimpy white dress that covered nothing up top, wore a punk-hair wig, and was caked out in white-face and red-neck makeup. He was a force to reckon with, singing, rapping, belting, shouting and crocheting songs like “The Revolution Will Not Be Masculinized." But he was at his best talking of SARS, atomic waste and threat levels in his gleefully subversive, almost frighteningly worried rendition of "Don’t Worry Be Happy," Bobby McFerrin’s annoying song of a decade ago. 

Among the throngs literally shaking the dancefloor, Hearsay spotted the blond and light blue-shirted  Brady "Brigham" Young, the white-blond and black-shirted Dan "Objects In Mirror Are Older Than They Appear" Rader, the bearded, boyish bartender Brad "D" Urban, and Chris "Call Me Chrisafer" McCarthy. Truth be told, Hearsay didn’t see a lot of familiar faces, though because it was a friendly crowd, some faces will be familiar from now on. It was a good mix, mostly men but plenty of women, most of whom appeared to be lesbian, but you can never really tell these daysÂ…

Just one night prior, on Saturday, November 6, Hearsay and a good many others in town got wild at Wet as that club staged its semi-regular Ultimate Amateur Contest. Fourteen amateur undie-bundies competed in the contest, where the winner won a thousand smackeroos, and the audience won a view of sights not typically seen in public. Sights like Stacey "The Lionhearted" Warren‘s scalp, freshly shorn of hair. Sadly, Warren wasn’t a contestant. But "Breast Stroke" Matt sure was. Matt won the contest after showing off all his physical assets, from his pretty smile to his perky feet. Matt’s closest competitor was muscular blond "Blue" Blake, who, at a pivotal moment, hesitated to give a peck on the cheek to show host LaTroya "It’s Better With a Bagel" Nichole. But third-runner up, also named Matt, was Hearsay’s favorite, since he was so, so shy and all-embarrassed smiles on stage. Oh, and Hearsay would be remiss if it didn’t mention "Tickle Me" Elmo, who would have won Mr. Congeniality if there were such a thing at a naked-man competitionÂ…

Immediately following its exploits at Wet, Hearsay ventured into Velvet’s Mourning Party, where DJ Wess supplied the supple beats to get post-election mourners through the night, starting them off right to get through the next four years. Velvet clubgoers that night were no fans of the reelected President, and anyone wearing all black got in free — although the club was very strict in interpreting just how black black jeans had to be. Pitch black, it turned out. Ted "Outgoing Tom Daschle’s Press Secretary" Miller was there, clearly, understandably mourning, but in a nightcluby kinda way, so he was in good stead. Hearsay also saw Tim "The Hit of Pittsburgh" Craig there, not to mention Mark "Edumicated" Walsh. In all, it was a good place to be to cry in the renewed administrationÂ…

Congratulations are in order to Nightlife Denizen Cookie “Dyer Straights” Buffet. The female illusion’s male alterego, Christopher Penchley Peterswab Dyer III took a seat on the ANC, right next to Jim “I’m Addicted to Helium” Brandon, and several other gay folks — including Andrew “Ba-Tampte” Litsky, who reclaimed his seat out in the SW region known as the Ward of Naked Ambition — all of whom you can read more about in the front of this publication, should you so desire. In the meantime, now that Hearsay is officially a constituent of Chris’s and now that Chris has his hands in the city’s cookie jar, here is what Hearsay demands of Chris: A Starbucks on every other corner. A Caribou Coffee on every other corner that there isn’t a Starbucks. A Magic Johnson Theatre in Dupont Circle. A magic Johnson. Tighter manholes that don’t suddenly reject their contents. And Super Sugar Crisp at Whole Foods. Hearsay will continue to periodically list things it demands Chris to do for the city — now that his fingers are in the political cookie jar, it shouldn’t be a problem at all. After all, all he has to do is finger the MayorÂ…

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