Metro Weekly

Dealing with a Vengeful Serial Killer

A Homo Halloween

If this Halloween is the 10th or greater anniversary of your doing one or more of the following…

  • Accidentally causing the death of a stranger, but you and your friends managed to cover it up;
  • Destroying the self-esteem of a brilliant-yet-socially awkward teenager with a cruel high school prank, possibly leaving him or her horribly scarred;
  • Having a séance where you and your friends thought it would be funny to call forth the spirits of Lizzie Borden, Charles Manson and the Zodiac Killer, but things ended up a little too real;
  • Burning a witch;

…then you may want to take an unplanned vacation to an undisclosed location where even the craziest vengeful serial killer wouldn’t want to follow. Like, say, Wasilla, Alaska.

If travel isn’t an option, however, keep the following tips in mind and you may keep your head in place.

Be good, be healthy. If you’re the target of a revenge-minded serial killer, the last place on earth you want to be is in jail or in the hospital since, according to the movies, those places have the worst security on earth.

Take their word for it. When a gravelly voiced stranger calls on your cell phone with details of your past and a promise to gut you like a fish, do not dismiss it as a prank from your best friend. It probably is your best friend, but he’s still trying to kill you.

Take a temporary vow of chastity. Everyone knows that having sex is the last thing a victim does before Jason pops out of the armoire, so saying no to nookie should be easy. You can make it one night, can’t you? If not, then at least protect yourself by not having sex in a semi-public place where the later revelation of your dismembered body will be a real bummer for everyone else at the party.

Leave it alone. When the serial killer is lying dead on the floor, don’t check the body. He’s not dead. Really, don’t touch him. No, don’t do that! Aiiiieeeee!

See, I told you so.

Sean Bugg is Editor Emeritus for Metro Weekly.