Metro Weekly

No Candy Here!

A Homo Halloween

Maybe you just want to have a quiet evening at home. Maybe you live in a neighborhood where the local children are less Beaver Cleaver and more the Bad Seed. Maybe you’re tired of opening your door to find laughing 16-year-olds with no costumes and oversized shopping bags.

Whatever the reason, you just don’t want deal with the Halloween hordes of candy-snatchers. Here are some modest tips to keep the little scavengers at bay.

Be afraid. Be very afraid. Sure, Halloween is meant to be scary with its spooky decorations and faux-horrifying tableaux. But you can still go too far — which is exactly what you need to do if you want to scare the little buggers away. Decorate your entrance with things to truly horrify the toddler set, say the Little Mermaid snagged and dead in a tuna net, or Elmo’s bloody head on a stake.

Your home is your castle. Make it a fort. You can dig a moat, but it may be easier just to padlock the gate. Either way, the message is clear. An easily agitated dog roaming the front yard can come in handy; if you don’t have one, borrow a friend’s.

Try not to go too far, though. Authorities have been known to frown on pits, snares and other traps, even if you promise to catch and release.

Get out of the house! Really, do you need to be at home after work on a Friday Halloween? Get yourself to your favorite happy hour to enjoy your own treat. And maybe even a trick, if you’re lucky.

Sean Bugg is Editor Emeritus for Metro Weekly.