Will

Coverboy: Bartenders Edition

With this week’s issue, we’re relaunching Nightlife Coverboy as Coverboy: Bartenders Edition. Each week, we will feature one of the gay community’s most personable drink slingers. Be sure to stop by during their week and pay them a visit.

Coverboy: Bartenders Edition: Will

Coverboy: Bartenders Edition: Will

(Photo by Julian Vankim)

If you roll into the Green Lantern on any given night, chances are you’ll encounter Will. Now residing in Arlington with his fiancé, Luke, this Midwest-raised outdoorsman first came to Washington after attending St. John’s College in Annapolis. A longtime bartender at various gay bars around the city, the 31-year-old says he most enjoys “getting homosexuals drunk.” Though Will was shy, quiet and, as he puts it, “boring and dull” as a youth, he’s since matured into a confident, funny man armed with quick bartending hands and an even quicker wit. Although he’s sometimes been embarrassed on the job, the target of some vulgar sexual offers, Will says he enjoys the job because he likes meeting and talking with new people and getting them to crack a smile.

Shot on location at The Beacon Hotel in Washington. Visit beaconhotelwdc.com.

What’s on your nightstand?
A lamp, an alarm clock. I wouldn’t keep anything on a nightstand. I have friends come over my house. Do you want to ask me what’s in the closet?

Okay, what’s in the closet?
A bunch of pornography, some lube and condoms, stuff I haven’t used in a long time. Some dusty dildos.

What are your three favorite TV shows of all time?
Battlestar Galactica, Battlestar Galactica, and Lost. I can’t say Battlestar Galactica three times. Well, I can. But I don’t want people to think I’m crazy.

If you could have one superpower, what would it be and why?
I would have the same superpower as the Scarlet Witch. She’s able to affect the outcome of any probabilistic event.

If you could do any job in the world, what would it be?
I would be a professor at St. John’s College. I like the breadth and depth of conversations you get into when you get to talk about Aristotle and Plato and Tolstoy and Euclid, and all the sciences and mathematics.

You’re stranded on a desert island with one person. Who do you pick?
Bear Grylls. He could feed me and treat me right. I mean sexually, of course. He’s a very attractive man.

Coverboy: Bartenders Edition: Will

Coverboy: Bartenders Edition: Will

(Photo by Julian Vankim)

You’d probably have to eat snails and other nasty stuff.
As long as there’s something on Bear I get to eat, too.

What annoys you?
People who are entitled or rude in their behavior, especially at a bar.

What pleases you?
People who are polite and generous in their behavior, especially at a bar.

What’s your greatest fear?
Spiders. Every type of spider. Oh, and bugs. Anything that has its shell on the outside. So I guess the guys from Halo, too. Anything with an exoskeleton.

Roller coasters: wooden or steel?
Steel, because the wooden ones, you’re just sitting in a bowl, going around. But the steel ones you get to flip, and go upside-down, and around all over the place, and there’s potential you’ll accidentally kick somebody’s head off. Which happened one time when I was at a Six Flags.

What?
They actually had to close the whole damn park. This dude lost his hat and jumped over the fence, into the “Don’t Go Here” area, and when the roller coaster went by, someone’s leg hit the kid’s head and snapped it off.

What’s your guilty pleasure?
Laffy Taffy.

What turns you on?
Does Laffy Taffy count? No, beards and jockstraps.

What turns you off?
Glitter.

What’s your idea of a romantic getaway?
Camping on Assateague. Just pulling up with a tent, and some food and firewood, building a fire on the beach.

Coverboy: Bartenders Edition: Will

Coverboy: Bartenders Edition: Will

(Photo by Julian Vankim)

Define good in bed.
Responsive and aggressive.

Can men fake it? Should they?
I’ve spit on many a back before.

If you were a porn star, what would your name be and what would you be known for?
Ty Pennington. And I would be known for Extreme Ass Makeover.

Name two people you don’t ever want to picture having sex.
Any priest and any child.

What’s the best tip you ever got?
To go back to school. I know you mean money, but money comes and goes.

What’s the craziest thing someone ever ordered from you?
Someone asked me to pee in a water bottle once. I didn’t do it.

When you go to a bar, what do you order?
Diet Coke.

Gin or Vodka?
Gin.

Scotch or Bourbon?
Bourbon.

Wine or Beer?
Beer.

Coverboy: Bartenders Edition: Will

Coverboy: Bartenders Edition: Will

(Photo by Julian Vankim)

Mustard, Mayo or Ketchup?
Ketchup.

Miley or Britney?
That’s a hard one. Britney.

What’s your favorite cocktail to make?
Budweiser. It is simple and easy and my fingers don’t get sticky.

You become master of the world. What’s your first act?
To establish a committee!

Is cuddling the best, or a waste of time?
The best. It is nice and calm and comfortable and easy and warm.

What are you most grateful for?
Luke. My fiancé. We’ve been engaged for a year and together for five.

What’s your motto?
No le illegitimus catarate. “Don’t let the bastards shit on you.”

John Riley is the local news reporter for Metro Weekly. He can be reached at jriley@metroweekly.com

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