”Wrestle you wimps!” the lesbian drill sergeant barked to competitors in last Tuesday night's Jello Wrestling matches at EFN Lounge . Actually, the yeller was Xavier “Power” Bottoms – which, as you might have guessed, is so not her real name. A woman named Xavier? A lesbian Bottoms? (Besides Sharon, of course?) When pigs fly!

Anyway, the lesbian-named-Bottoms had actually won last month’s inaugural tournament. She didn’t defend her title on this night – why would she want another 32-ounce bottle of Gun Oil or another year’s supply of condoms from DCFuk!t? Last month’s first-place haul should last her a lifetime. Instead, she assumed her perfect position: As the event’s referee, barking out commands.

This month's tournament featured eight contestants, paired against each other with little regard to differences in height or weight – Hearsay was sure hoping to see some nude weigh-ins, but alas nudity was nowhere to be found. The matches were held in three rounds, with the audience picking the winner of each if neither got sufficiently pinned. Out of 8 matches, only a couple ended in pins – and only one “needle,” if you catch Hearsay’s drift – and the crowd got to pick the ultimate fighting champion, the cutie-patootie Jason.

The event’s co-organizer Matt “Bam!” Bamford announced from the stage that next month's event will be Tuesday, Sept. 8, the day after Labor Day. And the fact that they’ve lined up some eight drag queens to go mano a mano, in full regalia, from wigs to fig leaves. Just when you thought this "sport" couldn’t become any more of a novelty....

Photo courtesy Matt Bamford.