In the grand scope of things, Hearsay realizes that the annual 17th Street High Heel Race, March & Demolition Derby pales in comparison to the signing of the Hate Crimes Bill into law by President Barak "Ch-Ch-Ch-Chia!" Obama, yet Hearsay must report on what it knows best and, well, what it knows best has little to do with politics and a lot more to do with feeling for lumps in the crotches of other men. And Hearsay must report that last night's High Heel Race along the 17th Street corridor was one of the biggest ever. And it went off without so much as a hitch (or a clasp, if you happen to be carrying a clutch), all the more impressive considering the changes made to this year's event. JR.'s Bar & Grill's manager Dave "Super Mario" Perruzza, the festive madman behind the logistics of the annual run in women's wear, reported that inverting the race's starting and finish lines worked like a wet dream. And so, a new and improved tradition is born.

There were the usual suspects cavorting along the street prior to the 9 p.m. race, all playing to the massive crowds. Hearsay was particularly struck by the gargantuan "let's play dress-up" effort undertaken by the DC Cowboys. These guys who already look good as guys also look pretty darn good as gals. And gals with individualized sashes to boot! Maybe the boys should incorporate a few feathers into their rawhide act and rename themselves the DC Plowboys. (Hearsay doesn't know exactly what that means -- it just wanted to write the word Plowboys.)

Those who partook in the costumed ritual ran the gamut from wildly overblown and insanely elaborate to simple yet sophisticated to plop on a store bought wig and smear on some of mother's cheap lipstick. Hearsay was amazed by the overall ingenuity on hand, super-duperly so by the "We're Good With Glue Guns" trio who concocted elaborate get-ups honoring Cats, Wicked and that show that brings the sun out in us all, Annie. (But, alas, no Sondheim!) Hearsay could be wrong about this but the always-popular Princess Di and her entourage of protectors appeared to be no shows. Perhaps Di was disguised as someone else? But who might that be? Hearsay was infinitely amused by the amusing crew who called themselves Cash for Clunkers and sported hubcaps for hats. Finally, every year people dress up as Batman and Robin, but this year, Batman was toting a Robin not comprised of flesh and blood, but one made of plastic and filled with hot (or at least warmish) air. Yes it was an adult services Robin. Hearsay wanted to tell Robin to shut his tauntingly gaping mouth but quickly realized that would defeat the entire purpose and so made a quick deposit instead.

Despite the inclement weather, the race was jam-packed with hopefuls. And the winner was... disqualified. Seems that the pink-wigged gent crossed the line in his stocking feet (Hearsay has foto finish proof, courtesy Metro Weekly photographer Ward "Cleaver" Morrison). The young man, whose name was never revealed to Hearsay, claimed to have lost his heels long the way. The event's de facto hostess, Lena "Short 'N Sassy" Lett said "Sorry, buddy, but it's called a high heel race for a reason. Anyone can run without heels and cross the finish line first." Which left a startled (and very ecstatic) first runner-up to be named the official winner of this year's race. He's a cute bearded cub boy named Daniel "Blah Blah" Blah, and he wore a fetching turquoise dress and svelte silver heels but no girlish wig (he lost his hairpiece along the route, but there's no regulation about crossing the finish line wigless -- it's not called a Big Wig Race, after all). So congratulations Mr. Blah, if that indeed your real name, there's definitely nothing blah about your super-human abilities in pumps. Enjoy your new logo-festooned orange shirt.

More photographs coming soon to Metroweekly.com and in tomorrow's print edition.

Watch Metro Weekly's 2009 High Heel Race video below or click here.

You may wonder: Will Gavin “I Got Life” Creel perform “Going to DC” at the HRC National Dinner this Saturday, Oct. 10? Well, he should! With the trumpets blaring and the choir singing at song’s end, it’s the perfect number to rouse the crowd -- not to mention the cast of Glee. Maybe even the President would be amused.

Not familiar with the tune? Well, take a listen to it now. Creel, the Tony-nominated star of Broadway’s current revival of Hair, included the tune on his self-released debut album a few years ago.

“Dave, sent me a ticket. I got a ticket. Thanks for the ticket, Dave,” Creel sings in the ska-esque tune. Just who is this Dave he sings about? Why, it’s none other than Dave “Final Fantasy” Perruzza, of JR.’s fame.

“I met Dave on the R Family Vacations cruise the first year of the cruise, in 2004, I believe it was,” Creel tells Hearsay. “We just hit it off and he’s been a friend ever since. He had won a bunch of free Acela tickets at an auction. He was like, ‘Come down and visit.’ I was on Broadway in La Cage aux Folles . I wanted to get out of the city.” Creel left immediately after a Sunday matinee. “I literally ran out the stage door and went down to Penn Station, took an Acela train and spent Sunday night and Monday night and then came back Tuesday for my show.”

All thanks to Perruzza, D.C.’s very own Broadway ambassador!

New Anti-Smoking Ads Warn Teens 'It's Gay To Smoke'

BACKSTREET BOYS' BRIAN LITRELL DIAGNOSED WITH SWINE FLU

GROUP CANCELS CBS EARLY SHOW PERFORMANCE & HARD ROCK CAFÉ NYC PINKTOBER SIGNING

OTHER THREE MEMBERS AND TRAVELING PARTY TAKING PREVENTIVE MEASURES

The Backstreet Boys are sad to announce they have cancelled today's NYC PINKTOBER Hard Rock Café signing due to member, Brian Litrell having been diagnosed with the Swine Flu. The other 3 members, Nick Carter, Howie Dorough and AJ McLean have seen a doctor and are not showing any symptoms. As a preventive measure, the doctor has prescribed Tamiflu to the group and their touring party, who had just returned to the states from Tokyo.

This unfortunate occurrence will also result in the cancelling of the group's CBS Early Show performance tomorrow, Tuesday October 6th. BSB was scheduled to perform their new single "Straight Through My Heart." The intimate performance at PC Richards (downtown) has also been cancelled and rescheduled for a later date.

"We were really looking forward to spending time with our closest fans and friends in NYC and take part of PINKTOBER, an unbelievable and important program" Litrell says. "I hope we can come back soon and do everything we can to help."

The Backstreet Boys are in New York in support of their new album THIS IS US, out tomorrow, October 6th on Jive Records. The rest of the band's promotional schedule for this week has not been determined. Details to come.

Barney “Perfectly” Frank was all over the news a few weeks ago, as the House’s best jouster against shouting protesters at townhalls on health care reform. And yet Hearsay bets you didn’t hear where Frank actually washed up Sunday, August 16.

Hearsay was minding its business, paying no attention to anyone but the thousands of scantily clad, sweaty muscled gay men it was dancing with right on the beach in New York’s Fire Island Pines. It was a scorching humid, mostly sunny 90-degree day. At first Hearsay thought it was suffering a heatstroke when it saw what looked like Frank walking through the crowd in nothing but baggy shorts. Is that really? Could it be? Hearsay had to investigate. Yes, indeed, that was the genuine item confirmed a ticket-taking volunteer at the Ascension Beach Party, a benefit for the National Gay & Lesbian Task Force and Fund in the Sun Foundation. Turns out, the volunteer was just as shocked as Hearsay to see Frank there – and even more shocked to see him shirtless. Oh well, it proves that congressmen have nipples, too.

Hearsay had to take a breather and cool off in the wading pools that Ascension organizers had constructed. The party took place on a cordoned-off area of the beach, which you entered through a big white art installation in the shape of the letter A. Walking through was kind of like playing Hole in the Wall -- but much less challenging. Then came a sod-covered catwalk, flanked by two wading pools, the better to salve partygoers’ hot dancing feet. A large white-wooden dance floor was flanked by risers and ended with a DJ console, from which Tony “Beach Beatmaster” Moran plied his trade (or traded his ply, Hearsay really can't be bothered to recall). Kelly “Destiny’s Dance” Rowland performed in front of Moran’s stand toward party’s end, around 5 p.m. She sang two songs, the first of which was a forgettable ballad, while the other was “When Love Takes Over," billed by event organizers as “The Song of The Summer” -- and well, you know you just can’t deny.

The Sunday beach party is the main to-do at this now four-year-old event, but it has become a full Ascension Weekend. There was a private pool party Saturday afternoon, where DJ Kimberly S got happy. And then there were parties every night at the Pines Pavilion nightclub. And of course, Hearsay enjoyed lots of tea: Every evening brings Low Tea, Middle Tea and High Tea happy-hour events, right there at the harbor. Hearsay teed up and enjoyed meeting new friends and reconnecting with old. Among the many Hearsay chatted up: The Task Force’s Alex “Up And Away” Breitman and Michael “Winter Party Wonder” Bath, Richard “Eco, Wind & Fire” Cohen, Kevin “The City’s Next Big DJ” Graves and Timothy “Putting the G in Gynecologist” Ryntz. But of course, you can’t go anywhere without running into D.C. denizens. Sure enough, Hearsay enjoyed dancing with Clint “Spice It Up” Pepper, Mark “Little Red Firetruck” Lamont and Randy “I Love New York” Brown, all in town for the party. It was certainly one not to be missed....

What is it you shout when you want someone to get up the nerve to do something maybe a little bit crazy in public? Show more chutzpah? Be more ballsy?

Oh yes: “Grow a pair!” Well, grow ‘em and show ‘em, lads. No, not the gonads. The D.C. Bureau of Public Pubic Decency won’t allow that. They require that you tuck them away inside a pair of bottoms – that is, underwear. Tomorrow night, Friday, Aug. 21, Town is shouting for patrons to “show a pair.” Of underwear.

“We want an entire night of boys in just their underwear,” an official Town email commands. To help boys be more ballsy, the club is even growing pairs – they’ll give out 200 of ‘em in fact, provided by ELITE. So nevermind that you don’t like your own selection of Underoos – get your own pair of ELITE and you can change into them right there, at the club’s clothes check, set up just for the night. Hearsay’s already picked out the bottoms it’s coveting.

Whatever you do, don’t expect to just pose and gawk. DJ Seth “Buried Treasure” Gold promises a “pants-off dance-off"....

August came in like a lion, and it’s still roaring – as it always is. Ah, all those crazy Leos and how they love to party!

This Saturday, Aug. 22, Hearsay will toast Keith “Catering Up A Stir” Petrack – but maybe this should be a roast? After all, the founding friend of many Friends of Friends is turning 50. Yep, the big 5-0! Congrats, Keith – you don’t look a day older than tomorrow! Petrack will celebrate his big size at a private party with Alan “Attack of The Mouse” Zaloum, who will celebrate his 40th birthday by preparing to move to Orlando. Oh, ah, magic.

But Hearsay’s been roaring all month already. On Sunday, Aug. 9, Rachel “I Am Leo, Hear Me Sing” Panay celebrated by inviting friends for a “semi-mellow” day of brunching at Circa and then early-evening cocktailing at Halo. Afterwards, she jetted – or at least Jetta’d – off to an undisclosed country respite, but only for a night. Why such a short spell? Because city lions don’t do moo-moos!

Two nights before, Friday, Aug. 7, Michael “Living Under Your Spotlight” Snowden invited some 60 or so of his closest friends to Apex to usher in his 32nd birthday. Apex’s General Manager Joey-“A” O “K” threw him a private party in the club’s video bar – now called, of course, the “East Wing Dance Lounge,” but still the same place Snowden actually tended bar many years ago. Back then, of course, the club itself went by a different name. Yep, he’s getting to be that old! Jeremy “Hey Yo” Yohe was on part-time VJ duty, screening many video blasts from the past decade. And Terry “Handsome Helper” Mullane tended the large bar alone. Even the DC Kings put on a fantastic show for the occasion – though technically the drag kings were out in the Main Hall, performing for the club’s popular Gloss ladies event, now bi-monthly, the first and fourth Friday of the month. Kings and queens, in and out of drag, and all in one place – oh what fun!

The night before that, Thursday, Aug. 6, came a Cobalt “charitini” for Andy “Der Kommissar” Phan and Damon “Cobalt TV’s Power Bottom” Dunham, who turned 36 and 27, respectively. They were out to prove that “We're not just greedy pretty bitches!" Indeed, they’re not. With a suggested $5 to $10 donation to enter the early evening private party on the club’s dance level, the two raised a total of $1,200 for Whitman-Walker Clinic’s AIDS Walk and Food for All. Cobalt even matched the donations. Why, ain’t that the giving spirit – like Christmas in August.

What will crazy Leos think of next? Well, they can only officially roar about their birthdays until Sunday, when Virgos take over. Look out, the Mercury is rising....

But they actually showed a little more love for Rosie “Moon over Miami” O’Donnell, who opened for Lauper with a hilarious 30-minute stand-up set. “We love you Rosie!” “Rosie, you look great!” came the shouts. And then there was the woman whose whistling catcall sounded like a dying cat. O’Donnell’s routine incorporated shooting down rumors claiming her 12-year relationship with wife Kelly is on the fritz, and funny anecdotes about her four children – most memorably about her daughter Chelsea’s first period, and her oldest, Parker, dreaming about an upcoming movie about O’Donnell’s life. “Kathy Bates is set to play you!” he ribbed. She had the crowd in stitches talking about being menopausal and getting “testosterone up the hoha.” “Kelly now has a moustache!” Ba-da-bum.

The show started more than 20 minutes late, and O’Donnell said it was because her flight down was delayed – she added that she would have missed the show altogether if it weren’t for the plane’s gay pilot who she said pulled some strings after being informed of her situation. Turns out, he’s a huge fan of Lauper’s. Atta boy! O’Donnell stayed on stage after her set, bantering with Lauper for a few minutes, then became Lauper’s second drummer for the first few numbers. She returned for the last few songs, for which Lauper also called out Rich “Super Tone Lock” Morel to play keyboards on the songs he co-wrote with her last year. Lauper tripped over her words a bit introducing him, calling the Blowoffleader a “Blowout” man. Well, they all gave a blowout of a performance, especially for the show’s encore. One guess as to that final number.

Immediately after the concert, Hearsay high-tailed it to Town for the official Girls Night Out after-concert party. Hearsay had so much fun, it can’t remember any particular details – such as, did Hearsay dance? Alone? How did it get home? And how did Hearsay grow a moustache overnight?....

”Wrestle you wimps!” the lesbian drill sergeant barked to competitors in last Tuesday night's Jello Wrestling matches at EFN Lounge . Actually, the yeller was Xavier “Power” Bottoms – which, as you might have guessed, is so not her real name. A woman named Xavier? A lesbian Bottoms? (Besides Sharon, of course?) When pigs fly!

Anyway, the lesbian-named-Bottoms had actually won last month’s inaugural tournament. She didn’t defend her title on this night – why would she want another 32-ounce bottle of Gun Oil or another year’s supply of condoms from DCFuk!t? Last month’s first-place haul should last her a lifetime. Instead, she assumed her perfect position: As the event’s referee, barking out commands.

This month's tournament featured eight contestants, paired against each other with little regard to differences in height or weight – Hearsay was sure hoping to see some nude weigh-ins, but alas nudity was nowhere to be found. The matches were held in three rounds, with the audience picking the winner of each if neither got sufficiently pinned. Out of 8 matches, only a couple ended in pins – and only one “needle,” if you catch Hearsay’s drift – and the crowd got to pick the ultimate fighting champion, the cutie-patootie Jason.

The event’s co-organizer Matt “Bam!” Bamford announced from the stage that next month's event will be Tuesday, Sept. 8, the day after Labor Day. And the fact that they’ve lined up some eight drag queens to go mano a mano, in full regalia, from wigs to fig leaves. Just when you thought this "sport" couldn’t become any more of a novelty....

Photo courtesy Matt Bamford.

"This city is hot right now -- in lots of ways." That's how Mayor Adrian "Heat Index" Fenty addressed the many hundreds of folks who braved the heat and the humidity - oh god, the humidity - in the early evening Monday night, August 10. It was the hottest day of the year so far. What better time for an outdoor pep rally in Stead Park to show the town's support for hosting the Gay Games in 2014? That's some serious sweat equity.

Boy, was it ever hot out there. Each participant got what organizing entity the Metropolitan Washington Gaymes were calling "rally towels," which reminded Hearsay of something else, but nevermind all that. Last night the cute li'l towels did double duty, as li'l flags to twirl in unison, and as handkerchiefs to wipe one's brow of sweat. Brent "But I'm A Cheerleader" Minor served as the event's main emcee, though he got a little assist from Robert "Here She Comes, Miss Gaymerica" York and ABC7 news anchor Leon "D.C. Rocks" Harris. It must be said, the microphone fit Minor's hand like a glove and he confessed to sleeping with it. But who hasn't?

In addition to the Mayor, Elliott "Convention Central" Ferguson of Destination DC and Robert "Go Team" Sweeney of the Greater Washington Sports Alliancewere on hand to show support for the effort and wow the visiting committee that will choose betwixt exciting, thrilling, clever, urbane, swanky, intelligent, intriguing, monumental, delightful, delicious, delovely Washington, Cleveland (in flat, dull, boring Ohio) and Boston (in flat, dull, boring Massachusetts) as host of the 2014 gaylimpic events. President Barack "Health Matters" Obama wasn't, but four other U.S. Presidents were - specifically Lincoln, Washington, Jefferson and Theodore Roosevelt, courtesy of the Washington Nationals' Mt. Rushmore Presidents. Nationals' reps even set up a booth and gave out some swag.

DC's Different Drummers marched into the field to start the festivities shortly after 7 p.m., but soon enough they were replaced by a group of still more different drummers: the Batala Batala Women's Drum Corps, banging on all types of different drums - and only drums. This Afro-Brazilian-influenced troupe stole the show. They took their time beating down the runway on entrance, and took just as long to exit. The ladies even interrupted DJ Rosie's replay of George "Give For What You Take" Michael's "Freedom." (Get it? D.C. bidders are billing the potential 2014 event as the "Freedom Games": We won't let you down!) To her credit, Rosie, once they were out of earshot, saw the Batala Batala challenge, and she raised it "Boom Boom Pow."

The crowd was festive, especially considering there was no alcohol served on the premises. It was technically prohibited, though not all of those plastic bottles or coolers were pure, of course. Some contained Gaytorade. And no one was as festive - they never are - as the always-reliable fun-leading couple Michael "Finger Puppet" Ulrich and Paul "Finger Who?" Cooper. They each brought plastic bugles, and they bugled the night away....

Jello. It’s not just for dessert anymore. Now, you can wrestle in it.

Tomorrow night, Aug. 11, Matt “Slip N Slide” Bamford and Jackie “Wham Bam” Thompson, also known as Mr. and Ms. Capital Pride Leather 2009, will do just that at EFN Lounge. The pair's “Jello Wrestling” monthly event doubles as a fundraiser for the DCFuk!t safer-sex campaign and Brother Help Thyself. The two didn’t compete at last month’s first match because there was just too much pent-up demand from the audience. Who knew so many regular folk wanted to get giggly with the jiggly?

No, they don’t actually use the jello you grew up on – though Bamford will create jello shots, at a dollar a jiggle. “Trust me, regular jello stains. I was once pink for a week,” Bamford says, recalling an earlier encounter with the silly sport. Purchased from JelloWrestling.com, the event’s gelatinous goo is “safe, non-toxic and organic,” Bamford says. In the future they hope to have drag queens competing, but for now the show is only hosted by one, Regina Jozet Adams.

Anyone -- man or woman -- so inclined to compete should bring the right attitude and the right gear. For men, that means a Speedo, or even a leather jock; Women should wear a sports bra to avoid what Bamford describes as “nipple action.” First place earns a 32-ounce bottle of lube from sponsor Gun Oil and a year’s supply of condoms (365, to be exact) from DCFuk!t. Second place earns a $50 gift certificate to the Leather Rack and a DCFUk!t tee. The match doesn’t get going until 10:30 p.m., but the evening goes quickly: Bamford, a former state champion from North Carolina, says wrestling tires most people out faster than they expect.

Registration starts at 9 p.m. Donations of $2 will be collected at the door....