Hearsay

Gay Day washout, ASGRA's Stampede, Titan comedy showcase


Published on September 23, 2004, 12:00am | Comments

Crappy weather shuts down the Gay Day at K.D....
Mounting the cowboys at ASGRA's Atlantic Stampede...
Hearty laughs galore at Titan...

Last Saturday, Hearsay was all primed for an evening of fun and frivolity riding the big and bold rolly-coaters, vomit-inducing big spinning things and dancing to the beat stick of Blaine "Toasty in Texas" Soileau at the annual Gay & Lesbian gathering at King's Dominion, organized and benefiting the eminently worthy Brother Help Thyself. Alas, this year's Gay Day was not to be. As Barbra might say, "It goddamn fucking rained on my parade!" (Actually, that's more like something Elaine would say, on national television.) Thanks to the recent surge of stormy weather, the Richmond-based Park chose to close its gates early Saturday morning. And once the park's closed, it's closed for the day because you can't just flip a switch and expect the Volcano to start spewing flames. BHT's Larry "You Should See the Size of My Rolodex" Stansbury, in his own special state of calm (the man is unflappable) spent his day racking up cellular minutes, trying to reach the hundreds who had bought advance tickets and tell them "Don't drive to Richmond! Don't drive to Richmond!" which is something Hearsay's been telling people for years. Fortunately, King's Dominion is being very good about everything. Ticketholders can either request a full refund or visit the park on any of the following dates (class, get out your highlighters): 9/25, 9/26, 10/16, 10/17, 10/23, 10/24, 10/30, 10/31, 11/6, 11/7, much of which is taken over by the Park's eerie transformation into a spooky-ooky Halloween land known as Fear Fest, not to be confused with SigMa's annual secret event Hot Wax Halloscream at Busch Gardens. For more information, Hearsay directs you to the Brother Help Thyself website, www.brotherhelpthyself.org, where you might see little tiny thunderbolts in vivid, lifelike action…

Two Saturdays ago, Mama Nature cooperated: The weather was supreme for ASGRA's Atlantic Stampede, an annual rodeo where insanely brave homosexuals (or is that bravely insane?) mount angry bulls (who may or may not be homosexual) and try to hang on for dear life -- or exactly 6.239438582776392 seconds, whichever comes first. Hearsay is thrilled to see that the bull buckers now wear hockey masks, not just as a form of protection, but as a means of intimidating the bulls. "Hey, bullhead, you ever see Friday the 13th? Hmmm? I'll turn you into hamburger!" Other, less turbulent events at this year's (and for that matter, every year's) rodeo included being bucked by angry horses, putting pink panties on a goat without asking said goat if he or she would prefer a flowered print, decorating a steer and then showing the steer off in Environs, bending a pole, unbending a pole, trying to get a flag in a cup whilst riding a horse, and everyone's favorite, Pin the Celery Stalk on the scrawny vegan PETA Activist. New to this year's Stampede: the My Pretty Pony event, in which a burly, girly rider gets on a magical talking horse ("Will you be my special friend and rub just below my tummy?" is among the horse's extra special phrases) and prances around the ring until the cows come home (which is typically around 5 p.m., give or take a few). Hearsay won't ride the horses and it won't get near a bull, but it doesn't mind mounting a cowboy or two, and, failing that, finding a Western saddle with a nice, thick, sturdy horn. As they say in Marlboro Country: Giddy-up!…

Hearsay wonders: Do you know the lesbian equivalent of a dick joke? And no, it has nothing to do with Birkenstocks. Well, it could, but only if you wear them with white socks and count to five before releasing. Actually, Hearsay doesn't remember the specifics of Lori "The Naked Ride Home" Trawinski's lesbian-dick joke, though it had to do with a finger and a “special friend.” Somewhere along the tale, Hearsay got lost in the vodka vapors at Titan Bar one recent Saturday night, when five gay comedians took to the mike and -- get this -- actually made everybody laugh. Really, really laugh, sometimes from the gut. Zach “The Zebra” Toczynski, host and organizer, kicked off in fine form the first monthly Laugh Out Loud's Second Saturday Showcase at Titan under the watchful eyes of One in Ten's Rick “Stop and Smell Me” Rose. While it's true that Glenn “All I Ever Needed is a Tub of Wesson Oil and a Twister Mat” Mlaker's Titan has been throwing just such an event all year, Hearsay has never laughed as hard as it did on that night. And Hearsay doesn't laugh easily. Toczynski is getting close to perfecting his Ghetto Giant routine and he laid on the crowd the very timely tale of Hurricane Shaniqua, currently terrorizing Atlanta, Miami and every Eastern city where the fierce bitch has exes. Jolene “Trailer Class Sass” Sugarbaker offered her truth-is-funnier-than-fiction shtick, including the children's instructional manual with our hero, a cockroach. Christian “M Butterfly” James talked about his recurring seven-year-itch problem with his boyfriend, whom he fears is about to pop the M Question. Monogamy, that is. Perry Studevent balmed his lips -- all four of them -- before launching into his routine pondering the comic mysteries of CVS customer service and gay black Republicans. And then he gave the gay male equivalent of a dick joke: the curse of a big-dicked boyfriend but even bigger pastures just outside. Or something like that. Bartender, another stiff one please. The next Second Saturday Showcase will be held on October 9…


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