Hearsay

Cobalt Become Rachel Panay's Video Hotspot... Shirtless and singing at the Lantern... Joey-O embarks on a scientific survey...


Published on March 10, 2005, 12:00am | Comments

If Hearsay had headlines, this report would read: “Hearsay To Become Worldwide MTV Superstar.” But of course, Hearsay doesn't have headlines. It's not allowed to have headlines. Or oatmeal before seven in the morning. But that's beside the point. The point is that Hearsay snuck onto the set of a real live video shoot last week and may well finally have its day in the MTV sun. Then again, when the editors get a glance of Hearsay jiggling its pudding-enriched belly on the dance floor, they're likely to scrap the entire project and move to Brazil. Which would not suit Rachel "Self-Promotional Goddess" Panay one little bit. Because, after all, this was Rachel's "My First Video Shoot," a kit for which is sold alongside "My First Pony" at toy stores everywhere. It was Rachel who, using a gift from the promotional gods known as e-mail, who corralled 18 million or so of her closest friends to Cobalt early last Thursday night to serve as background. They danced and they danced and they danced over a continuous loop of Rachel's dance-ditty “Back to Love," which, when heard repeatedly causes not just tooth decay, but severe brain damage (but the good kind of severe brain damage). Turns out, it's tedious work to be a video star. And it hurts your feet, not to mention your jiggling belly.

Anyway, hopefully you'll see Hearsay flailing around in the background of said video, alongside Cobalt honcho Ashley “If Loving You is Wrong, I Don't Wanna Be” Wright. Rachel had some ringers on that dance floor -- X-Faction, an Arlington-based dance troupe who were recently ousted from the Washington Ballet when it was discovered that they could actually move more gracefully than Septime "All My Lakes Have Swans" Webre. Rachel will distribute the video later this month to that essential club musical channel Promo Only, who bought her the video kit in the first place. Oh, well, so much for MTV. You should see it around town before too long, provided that the director doesn't make off with the footage and head for Brazil. Panay reports that she may throw a video-release party in the near future for 36 million of her extra-special closest friends....

Since Hearsay was already out early on Thursday night, it decided to make a full night of it. And why the hell not? With a little prodding from Terry “The Body” Snoddy, it was down the street to JR.'s, where lo and behold, there were plenty of boys adhering to their South Beach Liquid Diets. So Hearsay pulled up a stool and partook in a liquid diet of its own. One part skim milk, two parts vodka. Try it, it's very slimming. Hearsay met at least two Jimmys that night -- and, remarkably, neither knew how to drive a truck. Hearsay also chatted up a storm with one of its favorite bartenders, Brian, who was in the back that night. Apparently, he's a versatile bartender....

Next stop, the Green Lantern, just in time for its hour of shirtless imbibery and tittie twisting. Hallelujah, or should we say Hadjigeoralis, as in beer-tender Will. Sorry Will: that's just too hard to pronounce, especially after 140 million Cape Cods. Anyway, don't worry if you show up at the Lantern a little early, only to find more shirts to skins. Several boys whined about this to Hearsay, to which Hearsay replied, slap. Patience, patience. Just after the clock strikes 10, you'll soon have plenty of nipples to examine. The fashionably late arrivals could even walk in singing -- as several did last week, when a gaggle of gay men choristers arrived, belting classics like, "My Heart Belongs to Daddy" and Cyndi Lauper's "Girls Just Wanna Have Fu-hun." And looky here, yet another gay man who can sing: Bob “Stop With the Penicillin Jokes Already!“ Mould was there, too....

Hearsay made it home early enough on Thursday night that it decided that was as good of an excuse as any to do it all over again Friday. So Hearsay made its way to Apex, where the first person it saw was, naturally, manager Joey-O. But unnaturally, he was helping with the coat check. Turned out he was conducting a highly scientific survey: how many gay men have the exact same coat? As it turns out, 214.2 million (yes, the numbers are that precise). Jake "Nanette" Fabbri helped Joey begin his research, since he had just bought a new Michelin Man-style inflatable contraption that he also likes to use in bed. What Fabbri didn't realize is that roughly every tenth gay man in town has a similar coat these days, and all seem to use it for the same sordid purpose. Which would explain the stains.

At one point Hearsay saw the DJ out on the dance floor. What's up with this evening? Nobody at Apex is where one expects them to be. Has the world gone mad? So Hearsay stopped Blaine “Staying Power” Soileau to ask, aren't you supposed to be up there? “I need a pee break,” he said. And so off to the urinating video screen area Blaine went, where -- ooh, la la! -- they were showing reruns of The Golden Showers Girls. And speaking of out of place, wasn't that Mark “Atlas Shrugged” Lee  over there? Sure enough, it was. A rare sighting of the big lizard outside of his lounge habitat. Quick, someone call National Geographic....


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