Hearsay

JR.'s, Universal Gear, Velvetnation


Published on April 1, 2004, 12:00am | Comments

SKYY diving at JR.'s and a Green Echo…
Big bulging undies at Universal Gear…
Velvet goes statuesque…

Seems like every other gay Washingtonian bar-hopper was hoppin' to the $2 Skyy cocktails at JR.'s last Sunday, closing out a great-weather weekend by getting hammered. Hearsay's kind of crowd! Hearsay had heard word that it was Tim “Two Lips” Hollandmoritz's last drink-a-thon in D.C. The Timboy was set to move to Ft. Lauderdale on Tuesday, joining his friend and former D.C. scenester Matt “Lassie!” Collier in sunny Laudertown, home of strip malls and big halls. Hearsay met one hunky fella who just moved to town Friday from New Hampshire, that lovely acorn-sized state that beats up on Rhode Island (but not Maine, never Maine). It was a friendly bunch and it was Hearsay's second trip to JR.'s that weekend, as Hearsay had to stop by the Feel Good Friday Happy Hour before spending the latter part of its evening basking in a retro-rush at The Green Lantern's pulsing hot new Friday night party Echo. Echo. Echo. Echo. Rotating DJs Carl “See Me” Pitts and Rob “Feel Me” Richardson take the platters to the past, while the Exalted ‘n' Sacrosanct Bill “Touch Me” Keart and Alan “Heal Me” Chasan create video magic downstairs. Talk about hot tunes…

Impulse purchases are the butter of the retail industry. Because Hearsay was born to drink and bred to shop, it's made a few too many impulse buys at Universal Gear after a binge (followed by a purge) on 17th Street. Who amongst you cannot say the same? Retail after-hours is the store's stock in trade. Strange, then, that it took more than a decade for the queer Gear dears to bring the bar to the shop. But as soon as Hearsay heard about the store's 25% Off Underwear Sale Launch Party last Thursday, Hearsay came a scootin' to David “Clothes Horse or Trick Pony?” Franco's house of couches and pouches of the crotchety kind. But what to wear, what to wear? How about Hearsay's all-poly silver club pants found in the closet one morning after a particularly boozy happy hour adventure on the strip. Hearsay's not sure why it bought these aluminum-foil-inspired pants in the first place, but at least now they'll get some wear and, hopefully, tear. So while Hearsay sashayed and spun itself in circles into the store -- like a disco ball, baby, right round, round, round -- boys in much better shape moved around in nothing but the latest in gay underwear fashion, which is often like wearing nothing at all. Hearsay spotted through the front window the alcohol lemonade stand in the back. So Hearsay made its move, setting a record for the fastest front-door-to-dressing-room time ever at the store, an impressive nine inches -- er, seconds. Sorry, Hearsay was thinking of Rob “Kickin' Kowboy” Keffer, Metro Weekly's 2002 Nightlife Coverboy of the Year, who was one of the willing underwear packers that evening. Hearsay ran into Keffer at the lemonade stand, where white wine and Skyy Blue were at the ready, along with a few veggie sticks and dip. Hearsay surrounded itself with the in-crowd, which, as anyone in knows includes Brian “Seven of 9” Renfro, Alan “Deep Space 9” Callander and Keith “9 Inch Nails” Simonsen, Ricardo “Number 9 Dream” Zapata. Hearsay wandered aimlessly around the space like a ping-pong ball on crystal, sizing up the latest and greatest in clubwear. Hearsay's favorite: the “E-Z Pass” Pistol Pete Zip-Up Jeans, with its wraparound zipper that clearly isn't designed for underwear under there. “I need to see the inside of your underwear to know whether they're worth buying,” Hearsay said to model Nate “Universal Seersucker” Miller. Miller gave Hearsay and a handful of other gawkers a sneak preview of what he was packin' in his Calvin Klein tightie whities. But he'd only indulge gawkers a sneak preview, so Hearsay decided to commence a Battle for the Bulge. First weapon of choice: a cocktail. Hearsay aimed a cocktail toss at Miller's crotch, to shine a light in his bushel, as it were. Alas, with a drunken aim, Hearsay missed, hitting a $139 pair of Diesel jeans instead. At that price, a pair of jeans should earn you two separate pieces of cloth. At least Hearsay thought so, and said so, to the overeager sales clerk who descended upon the soggy scene. The long and short of it is, Hearsay got shafted in a botched attempt to see Miller's shaft…

After skimpy underwear on Thursday, Hearsay was hoping to see skimpy loincloths at Velvet Nation last Saturday in honor of the venue's Fifth Anniversary and its classical Roman theme. It was too classical by half: the ashen-painted live statues -- who, it must be said, did an amazing job of standing still for hours without end -- were wearing togas, keeping everything under wraps. Because they were up on stage, they also replaced the usual sexy low-rise jeans gyrations of hot-bod stage dancer James “If Loving You Is Wrong, I Don't Wanna Be” Wright, among others. Fortunately, the crowd was over-wrapped, with both parking lots full and the space packed cheek by jowl and cheek to cheek to jowl to vowel with scantily clad boys. Victor “Richter Scale” Calderone attracted his usual devotees, including Gregg “Facial Hair” Roby and Mark “Strawberry Jam Session” Walsh. There was the delicious surprise of seeing Rob “Corn on the Cob” Harris wandering around and heating up the place. He was no doubt sizing up the place, too, preparing for a rare Velvet venture this Saturday, when he'll spin with fellow local hirsute muscular DJ Blaine “Cajun Bacon” Soileau, in an evening dubbed Midnight Mass. Please, bring your own religious baggage…


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