Hearsay

Apex, Velvet, JR.'s, more


Published on April 8, 2004, 12:00am | Comments

Apex for Passover, Velvet for Palm...
Get well wishes and kisses for Eddie...
JR.'s braces for bonnets...

Last weekend, Hearsay danced its proverbial kiester off -- well, at least a couple pounds of kiester blubber that sooooo needed to go, to ready itself for the summer months. The dancing didn't help, Hearsay's still a bloated balloon primed to pop at the gentlest prick. But Hearsay still had an absolute blast whipping up a merengue mash at Chaos on Thursday during its raucously randy Latin Night Dance Party. It's always a nice change of pace to enter a place where you actually see gay men rushing to the dance floor every time a diva comes on the speakers. Okay, so the rushing is no change of pace at all. But the divas are: from Celia “Late Great Salsa Queen” Cruz to Thalia, Chaos gets that Latin blood boiling. After all that rushing, Hearsay was happy as a fluttering quetzal to see among the caliente crowd its old friends Juan Carlos “SONY” Vega, Antonio “Passion” De Jesus, Carlos “Sabor” Gomez and Arturo “Amor” Ramos. After last Thursday, though, Hearsay's weekend plans got waylaid. Yes, waylaid. Not way laid. Not this weekend. But waylaid as in delayed. And then, they just got laid to waste. Well, partially. What -- or who -- could cause such a wicked ambush? Who else but momma? That's right, on Friday night, Hearsay's momma called and asked if Hearsay was coming home for Passover. Passover? Again? Already? So soon after last year? Hearsay would rather pass over the oversized sawdust crackers it's forced to eat on this night (in case you're wondering why Passover night is different from all other nights) and the mighty Gefilte Fish, which is the only aquatic creature known to swim belly up and backwards as it hums the best songs from Fiddler on the Roof. Momma laid on the guilt that Jewish and Catholic mommas know best. That's right, this momma's a twofer. Well, Hearsay had a mind to stay home, but not after momma guilted Hearsay for two solid hours Hearsay was whimpering and sniveling and looking to find commiserating buddies. Maybe a nice commiserating buddy could be found online, Hearsay thought, deviously. Wouldn't that be a hoot, to bring home to momma a nice shegetza that Hearsay met on a sex site. Wonder what momma would say to that? Hearsay guesses it would sound something like “Oy, vey!”

But because Hearsay's downright uptight, Hearsay forewent logging on and instead opted to hang out with Jeremy “I Was Once A Clinton White House Intern” Rausch. The Rauschmeister -- “Why do people think of Monica when they see me?” -- was Hearsay's commiserating buddy, since he too was debating when to leave to visit his grand-momma for Passover: Saturday or Sunday. Saturday or Sunday. Look, Jeremy, it's not a life-threatening choice, but why not make it Sunday, Hearsay suggested, to put off the misery as long as possible? Rausch agreed as he and Hearsay set out for a Friday night danceathon at Apex. There Apex bartender Stacey “Tequila Surprise” Vasquez ably took care of us while Randy “God Is a DJ” White played music that had us bumping our sweltering groins in perfect tandem. White, Apex's “Big Fun” DJ of ole, ushered in Apex's month-long run of Friday Night Hot DJs brought out according to the club's promotional materials, by April Flower. What then, Hearsay wondered, will May Flowers bring to the hot spot? More of the Flower Power regulars, for starters, boys like Eric “Cherry Blossomed” Muhl and Keith “Daisy Raisin” Scott

The next night, Hearsay was set to hit DJ “Professional-Grade” Mandrill's new and improved Deep End party at 1355 H Street NE, because it had been too long since Hearsay's last dip in Drill's sea of soul-nourishin' serenity. Formerly held Wednesday nights at Andalu, it made a worthwhile jump to the best night of the week last month. Say Hallelujah! Hearsay was eager to hear that night's Soul Disco Jam. But Hearsay's two-headed monster momma called yet again, this time pleading Hearsay to come home for Palmistry Sunday. Her call gave Hearsay an idea for what to do that night. “Momma,” Hearsay said, “how ‘bout I go to Midnight Mass tonight in D.C. instead of coming home, and have the preacher share thoughts of you from the pulpit?” Momma hung up, knowing full well what Hearsay had in mind on a Saturday night. Debauchery.

Faster than you can say “and a very great multitude spread their garments in the way; others cut down branches from the trees, and strawed them in the way,” Hearsay followed the palm fronds on the floor and the hanging crosses to Blaine “The DJ Is A Preacher” Soileau's House of Sacrilege Saturday, usually known as VelvetNation. Actually, it's usually known as SundayMASS DC, the event Soileau and crew host every other week on Sunday in the after-after-after-after-after-after hours at Club Five -- including this very Sunday, Easter Sunday. (Hearsay hopes to see Soileau spinning with his bootylicious bunny tail bare, as he apparently did once before -- for evidence, do an Easter Egg Photo Hunt at www.sundaymassdc.com/pictures.html) At Velvet's regular-hours event, he brought in Rob “This DJ Is A Bishop” Harris, to help him serve communion. They led the service from the stage -- that's right, the DJ booth in the back was empty. And they led it shirtless, which inspired a massive wave of congregants to rip off their shirts in a exhibition of unity. Local boy Kenny “Did You Hear That?” Taos sang his electronic, high-church camp rendition of the classic hymn “Amazing Grace,” produced with local electronic artist DelphiniumBLUE. Hearsay once was lost, but now it's just gone…

Speaking of Velvet, Hearsay must take a moment to send out get-well wishes to Ed “Burlesque” Bailey. Bailey's doing better now, Hearsay's told, but he spent the full weekend of Velvet's Fifth Anniversary Party in the hospital, after suffering a collapsed lung, a result of a blood clot from surgery on his broken foot. Here's to Bailey standing on both of his two feetsies again at Velvet soon…

Finally, Hearsay is readying its finest Easter bonnet for the Annual Easter Bonnet Contest at JR.'s, an event that makes even the non-religious shout out in pious joy. If you're interested in entering, ready your own bonnet -- the more extravagant and outlandish and LARGE, the better -- and get thyself to JR.'s by 6:30 p.m., where you must seek out Dave “Hoppin' Down the Bunny Trail” Peruzza and become one with the contestant application form. The contest begins ever-so-promptly at 7 p.m. and there is a First Prize of $250 which can be traded, Hearsay supposes, for Jumbo Eggs, if so desired…

Got some hot gossip? A birthday you want mentioned? A somewhat smallish penis that you're not ashamed to share with the world? Write Hearsay at hearsay@metroweekly.com  or fill in its handy webform at www.metroweekly.com.


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