Today is the first day I have ever read your advice column (that's because at first I didn't want anyone to see me get the magazine -- my shallow paranoia) but it seems to me you have a great gift and you give wonderful advice. Well, I am a 32-year-old African American transgendered woman. I live in the D.C. area. I have only been trans for four years. People tell me all the time how beautiful I am. I think I'm okay, but as a perfectionist I am always very critical of myself (far worse than other people are). I have a good job and maintain most areas of my life pretty well, but my biggest problem is always my relationships with men. Most men think that because I'm trans I'm supposed to first want sex from them, and then money. Well, that is not my MO. I live my life as a woman, not a whore. Fortunately, my mom raised me with standards and morals, but most men have a problem believing that side of me. When they see it's true they abandon me. I am in a relationship now and my lover constantly wants to have sex but I do not want another relationship built on sex. He's a really nice and sweet guy with a lot of qualities I love. I stressed to him my concerns and he constantly says he understands but once again nothing seems to be changing. How long do I continue to let this go on when it's not making me feel good?
-- Truly Concerned
Don't you just hate when they leave money on the dresser? Charge one or two bitches and they never let you forget it. But enough about me -- on to your question. I am a little alarmed by your worry over people seeing you reading the Metro Weekly. Honey, its 2004. It's time we live our lives and stop worrying about others judging us. Do not feed into that paranoia any longer. Be proud of who you are.
But your bigger problem is that you're thinking of having sex as a cheap and degrading act because of your past bad experiences with men who only wanted to use you for sex for pay. Those experiences made you feel more and more uncomfortable due to the standards and morals you were raised with. You need to let that go. You are not cheap and your partner does not consider you cheap -- sex is a healthy part of a loving relationship, and you deserve a happy and healthy sex life. That's a completely moral thing for you to want and have. No relationship built solely on sex will survive, but as you said, you have a good man. And honey, let's face it, if the dick is right I would not leave the house.
My dick is small. How can I fix it?
-- Dickless in D.C.
How small is small? I mean, I have seen a boy with a dick as small as a pot of lip gloss -- HARD! But from your perspective, how small is small? If the size of your dick is a bother then there are many things you can do, including exercises, surgery and other options that you should discuss with your doctor. The real question is how you learn to accept and love your own body -- if you can't love yourself with all of the quirks and foibles your physical body comes equipped with, then you won't be truly happy. So if this size thing is an obstacle to you, then look into ways to remedy or accept it. But if this is about your dick size being an obstacle to others, don't go changing to try to please them. There are men who like guys with wee pee-pees. Personally, I do not know why, since I always choke on little things I put in my mouth (cocktail weenies are death!), but there is something for everyone in this wild world.