Recently I met someone I felt very connected and close to. From the start we just talked about our lives, our ex-boyfriends, and those horny military stories I have so many of. The first time I spent the night with him, I asked him what his fetishes were. He told me, then asked about mine. I said that I like having people watch me have sex. He questioned it a little then retrieved his roommate and his roommate's boyfriend. They watched to the end, then fled the scene. Later he asked if our relationship could be a lasting thing, and we both agreed that we wanted it to.
The next morning I told him that he should know something about my past (I'm withholding that from the public). He immediately got concerned when it's nothing to be concerned about. We discussed it as I took him to work and he said he'd call me the next day. At 3:30 that same day he called and said that this bothered him and he wanted out. I know he may read this but it's over anyway. Should I have told him, or tell any future potential boyfriends for that matter? What would you do?
I'll tell you what I wouldn't do: get everyone all worked up talking about "horny military stories" and your hot impromptu group scene, and then clam up about the actual tidbit that's at the heart of your question, you naughty tease! Can I get a fire extinguisher over here? Anyway, let's say that your dark secret is that you once fucked a Labrador retriever without buying him drinks first. (See what happens when you don't tell Miss Lena everything?) You may have come to terms with your indiscretion and vowed never to do it again, but your new boyfriend hears it for the first time, and he has every right to be freaked out. I mean, who wants to date a cheapskate?
Seriously though, you can't honestly say it's nothing to be concerned about, or you wouldn't have felt obligated to tell him about it in the first place. What you mean is that you hoped it was something that wouldn't concern him, not that it's nothing to be concerned about. The past is tricky business, sweetness. We've all done things we'd rather not own up to. If there's something unsavory that a new boyfriend is likely to hear about you from another source, or if it's something that still impacts your life or your future, then yes, you need to be upfront about it early on. Otherwise, it's fine to let bygones be bygones.
I moved to D.C. last year to get a fresh start after I broke up with my boyfriend of over three years when he stopped going to counseling for his "cheating and beating." My work has me traveling back to the city where we used to live. Last week he sent me an instant message and asked me to have sex with him while his new boyfriend (that he lives with) was at work. I was in the dark about his cheating for years and I'm sure his new boyfriend is too. I'm not scared of him anymore and wonder if his new boyfriend should know or if I should just mind my own business.
-- Just Trying to Do What's Right
Your situation is stickier than pantyhose in Phoenix in July. But it sounds as if you've moved on with your life. Your involvement in any manner just opens you back up to pain and heartache. Cease communication in full and let nature take its course. The new boyfriend will find out just as you did. The right thing is to continue to take care of yourself.
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