Truly Yours

Personal ad lies? Younger for older? Relationship lacking emotional depth?

by Lena Lett
Published on February 12, 2004, 12:00am | Comments

Truly Yours by Lena Lett

Dear Lena,

I'm a 51-year-old male. I do not look my age, so I am told. I am average looking, but I don't consider myself ugly. What really makes my stomach crawl is when I read personal ads saying “I'm a handsome man with a beautiful body looking for the same.” In whose eyes do these men think that they are handsome? Do they look at themselves in the mirror every morning and say: “Gee, I'm handsome.” Are they egotistical? Or are they like that Greek god Narcissus? I know to some people this is a real turn off. Can you help me to understand it?

-- Average-Looking Guy

Would you prefer they start their ads with "Ugly man with shitty body seeks handsome gay male with great body?” One does not capture the affection of another without having some pride in one's self first. You must know how to love yourself before you will ever be able to love another. Don't get me wrong -- I've seen some self-described beautiful bitches that couldn't win a beauty contest if they were the only contestant, the pageant was held in their living room, and their mother was the only judge. The key is balance. When seeking another you must display some form of confidence in yourself and I believe that is what these boys are doing.

Dear Lena,

I'm not into the gay scene or bars but I'm a younger guy curious about guys who like guys. I'm looking to meet men in D.C. who are mature gentlemen, sophisticated and around their fifties. Where do you suggest I meet men like this for casual conversation and possibly making new intimate friends?


Well, my little one ,this is where you get to play Agatha Christie (if you're too young to know who she is, go look it up). Ask yourself where would sophisticated, fiftysomething men be gathered. The type you are looking for would most likely not be into the club scene but more interested in cultural events or lounges. There comes a point when we get older that we realize that the conversation we have with others is more important then the music pounding in our ears. Seek places that offer an atmosphere of conversation. You will find your queen there.

Dear Lena,

Last year I was in a relationship with a man whom I loved, but was not "in love" with. We were great companions and friends and enjoyed so much of life together. The sex was only OK. But I was feeling like I was missing that other something -- a depth of emotion towards him (which I haven't experienced ever, with anyone). I was about to move back across the country to be with him, but I am a city boy and couldn't move to a small town again. So I stayed here and he's there. Ever since, and even now, I am haunted by thoughts of him, what fun we might be having and that life is passing me by without him. He could move here. Should I wait "till something better comes along"? Should I invite him back into my life again and just choose to be with him? Am I the only one to be so profoundly tormented by lack of loving feeling?

--Profoundly Ambivalent

Honey, first ask yourself what it is that you are seeking. You say that you have never experienced this "emotional depth" with anyone. Is your need for this "emotional depth" an unrealistic goal or a defense mechanism? It isn't clear to me what you mean. “Do you love him?” and “Are you in love with him?” should be the criteria you use to make your decision. If you are not in love with him then you should let him live his life. Drawing him back into your life because you may be missing something or while waiting for something better to come along is cruel and wrong. If you are in love with him, then draw him close. You seem to enjoy his company and you can always spice up the sex with videos, toys, fantasies, drag queens…

Truly Yours,