I am a new girl on the Drag horizon, and my friends say I should wear more make-up and hair. I feel my illusion is just fine with simple hair and natural make-up. What would you say to a 5’1″, two-hundred-pound Asian Goddess like moi?
— I Feel Pretty
Oh, my. Listen to me good, Miss Who Flung Who. Natural is never a word used when drag is referred to. You can never have enough hair or make-up. Ever. And given your dimensions, I should remind you that some extra Cover Girl ain’t gonna do the trick. What you’re covering up is that you’re all Boy, and plenty of it. Take your friends’ advice, or the only one who’ll get to catch your show is someone like a poor, unsuspecting UPS man who has the misfortune of ringing your bell.
My friend is hooked on crystal, although he tells me he’s clean. I know he’s not clean, and now I’m noticing that money is missing from my house — usually after he’s been there. I’ve tried to help as much as possible, but I’m thinking I should put some distance between us. What do you think?
— Drug-Free in D.C.
I think you’re one-hundred percent right. Crystal/Tina will leave you in the gutter, and stealing is never okay. The rule of thumb is "When you and your shit get in the way of me and my shit, it’s time for you to go." You have been a friend, but as Grandmother has said before, "Cut that cancerous limb off before the sickness spreads to the rest of the body."
This may sound strange, but I’ll go ahead anyway. What is the safest way to color and perm pubic hair? Is there a special method, or does one just pour it on? Is there a setting time? Also, are there any dye and perm brands that specifically made and hygienically safe to use “down there?”
— Curious Georgette
Perm is acid. Acid will irritate the skin. In theory, I suppose, you can perm pubic hair, but I’m not sure why you would really want to. Do that many people see it? And isn’t it curly enough as it is? (Besides, if it’s long enough to style, maybe it’s a trim you need to be thinking about.) As far as color goes, after a consult with a drag queen hairdresser friend, she summed it up best: “Girl, even in our line of work, the illusion must stop somewhere.” If you’re absolutely determined to make all fields colorful, consult a professional (and open-minded) stylist about your options. But remember, a hint of mystery goes a very long way.
Are you shopping for your fall wardrobe? Why not get a new outlook on life to go along with it? (They’re all the rage in Milan, you know.) Tell Miss Lena what’s bothering you so she can make it all better. Write to email@example.com.
I have a roommate and she’s a slob. I’m not a “Neat Freak,” but I get tired of doing her dirty dishes left in the sink or, better yet, looking for the dishes she’s left in her bedroom with her filthy clothes. (We won’t even get into the bathroom problems.) What’s a girl to do?
— Unfriendly Maid
Put that Bitch out! You can communicate your unhappiness with the little hog, however I suspect that hers is a learned, hard-to-correct behavior. Do not put up with it. A Queen’s home is her castle (in more ways than one), and when your personal haven becomes unpleasant and unwelcoming, it will affect the rest of your life in a similar fashion. And as dear Martha Stewart might say — much as she must’ve when the feds started sniffing around her organic garden — that’s not a good thing.
I have a friend who likes to do drugs a lot and falls out in the bars, in front of everyone. The next day, she laughs it off, but I’m worried about her. What do I do?
— A Concerned Party
I never said we were friends! Seriously though, you need to address the issue if it’s that much of a concern to you. If she won’t listen, the only thing you can do is remove yourself from the situation. Your absence from her life will make a very loud statement indeed.
My male boss keeps hitting on me. What do I do? I love my job and I don’t want to lose it.
— In a Pickle
Fuck him and get a raise! No, heavens no — that’s not what I meant to say. (Note to self: must…use…powers…for…good.)Â If it’s a small business environment, take him aside, be calm, direct and non-threatening, and explain that even though he’s a great boss — did I mention that lying helps? — it feels like he’s been flirting with you and it’s made you feel uncomfortable. If he has a lick of sense in him, that’s all you need to say, and he’ll apologize profusely and clean up his act immediately. If you’re in a larger organization with a human resources department and written harassment policy, you should follow their procedures to the letter, which may preclude you from bringing this to his attention yourself.
Either way, if he’s an asshole about it and makes your life miserable afterward — a possibility you can’t ignore, my little chicken nugget — you’ll have to face that life on the job ain’t goin’ to be rosy while he’s around (which he won’t be for long with the human resources muckety-mucks looking out for you), or while you’re around (if you have to tackle this on your own and he won’t budge).
It’s a tough situation, sweetness, especially since you love your job. But even that doesn’t make it worth it to ignore his crossing the line and doing the wrong thing to you. You deserve better.
The Dog Days of August don’t have to be so dreadful if you have a friend to turn to for the advice you need. I, Lena Lett, am that friend. Turn to me. No — over here, me. That’s right, my little sunflower kernels. Write to firstname.lastname@example.org today.