Metro Weekly

Truly Yours

Tired of juggling two? Finding the right catch? Lover's gay sex fantasy too kinky?

Truly Yours by Lena Lett

Dear Lena,

There are two too many men in my life. One is stunningly blond and dumb, but “just right” in all the other dimensions. The other one, not as great to look at, is sweet and gentle, but sometimes lacks in the “animal” magnestism. I’m tired of juggling two. Who do I choose?

Kitty Kat

You poor thing. I would love to live long enough to have your problems — to wit, treating men as nothing more then mere objects. If that is all you have to worry about at night, then have at it. I must say, however, that you are not listening to your heart. You are giving in to all the shallowness and superficiality of that great big lake called "me." You ask, "Who do I choose?" Honey, that is the wrong question. "Who do I love?" That is the question you need to answer. Stop looking at the value of different parts and start valuing people in their entirety and you will know who is right for you.

Dear Lena,

I’m an attractive, successful twentysomething with an amazingly positive attitude. My life is almost totally where I want it to be: I have great friends and my career is awesome. In fact, the only major aspect I lack is that incredible guy who keeps eluding me. I’ve been single for about two years, and am very ready for a serious, committed, and loving relationship. I’m not lonely per se, but I do miss having someone to call my own.

I’m a pretty good catch with a lot to offer the right guy. I’m incredibly picky, because… well, I just am! I’m not snobby or stuck-up in the least. I just go with my gut on guys, and that tends to not let me down. Very little intimidates me and little impresses me. Lena, I’m looking for the genuine article — "the perfect catch" (perfect to me — not necessarily anyone else). What advice do you have for me?

–Single and hoping in Dupont

Oh, dear one! The ability to connect with another human being on this earth is, perhaps, both the greatest gift and greatest challenge that we face. Remember, life is a journey, not a race. You seem to have all the tools that you will need to avail yourself of in order to find that mate you so desire. But you must be patient. Truth lies at the heart of all clichés, and there is a big nugget of truth in "Good things come to those who wait." It is okay to be picky — I would even recommend it as a matter of course. But as you exercise your right of informed choice, never forget that we are all flawed human beings. Do not place undue obstacles in your way by demanding too much of those around you. Value yourself, dare to be open to any possibility and keep a smile on your face. Mr. Right will be there — most likely not in any form or shape you expect, but he will be waiting.

Dear Lena,

I have been in a wonderful relationship with the man of my dreams and I am completely smitten like a kitten. Life is great and we are happy as can be. Some may describe our sex life as somewhat “vanilla,” but I don’t care, it works for us. But here comes the problem. Recently, while in bed, I asked him if he had any fantasies that he would like us to make a reality. Well, let me tell you, he sure did have a fantasy! Felching! I love him and want to make him happy, but come on, I think this is complete madness! I am willing to try some kinky stuff, but when push comes to shove, I can’t think of anything more repulsive than felching! What should I do? Please save me!

–Freaked About Felching

Now that’s what I am talkin’ about — good, old-fashioned, nasty, dirty pig sex! Yes, Lord! Honey, I would have loved to have been in your head when he uttered those words. We should always be careful when we ask a question, because we may not get the answer we expect. You didn’t mention whether you were to be the felcher or the felchee in your boyfriend’s fantasy, but either way you have to remember the principles of safer sex. For those delicate readers who may not yet know, to felch is to suck the come out of someone’s ass, which means having anal sex without a condom. Indulging this fantasy could put you or your partner at risk for HIV, as well as many other sexually transmitted diseases.

However, if you are in a monogamous, trusting relationship and both of you have been tested for HIV, I see the situation like this. If you are the felcher then you will have to be open to the idea of rimming and swallowing. If you are the felchee, then you can simply indulge his fantasy by lying back and letting him have at it. But in all seriousness, sex should never be an uncomfortable experience. I would say give it a try — if those conditions I set forth are met — and if it makes you uncomfortable, don’t do again. He will have had his fantasy and you will have had an experience to remember. After all, nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Truly Yours,