Metro Weekly

Gaydar Detector

How gay - or straight - is your ride?

We have our gay music, gay design, gay movies and gay clothing — all suitably fabulous, of course. We have gay houses, gay neighborhoods and gay cruises.

But what about those four-wheeled American icons: cars and trucks? What’s gay about them?

Plenty, if you know what to look for. And if you want to accessorize your fabulous gay lifestyle with the appropriate mode of transportation, it’s easy to do so by following a couple basic rules of thumb.

First, the more superfluously styled the car, the gayer it is. This is why BMWs have evolved from staid German performance cars to the drag queens of the autobahn. The exception to this rule is anything made by Cadillac.

Second, the bigger the spoiler, the straighter the car. Subarus are reliably gay — the Forrester SUV/wagon is the über-lesbian model — but the sporty WRX sedan turns totally straight when a park-bench-sized spoiler wing is bolted to the back.

Third, sometimes a car can be so butch that it swings right back around into gay. The epitome of this phenomenon is the Jeep Wrangler, an American icon that boasts a history stretching from World War II heroics to present day off-road shenanigans. That’s why you’re equally likely to see them parked on a military base or outside a gay bar.

Finally, take your time to pick and choose. Whether you’re looking for a sports car, luxury sedan, truck or SUV, there’s something out there to fit your big gay lifestyle.


The Dodge Ram and Toyota Tundra are both straight-up examples of un-ironic butch.


Honda’s Ridgeline, with its non-traditional styling and surprisingly convenient features — a trunk! in a truck! — gets the gay nod.

Despite Ford’s gay market courting, the Explorer is middle-of-the-road straight. If you want gay Ford, you have to look to the Edge.

Small-to-Mid Size SUV

Toyota’s FJ Cruiser is a four-wheel drive drag king.

One word: Escalade.

Large SUV

Range Rovers combine a Jeep-like heritage with an effete British attitude, for a gay package of style and substance.

It may be wildly popular, but the Honda Accord is just too ubiquitous to be anything but straight.


Surprisingly, the Saturn Aura maintains a gay je ne sais quoi. Perhaps that’s because under the label it’s actually a European Opel.

The Corvette remains America’s favorite wheeled phallus, but even with its latest and more stylish proportions, it’s as straight as they come.


Compact, powerful and styled within and inch of its life, the Lotus Elise is truly sporty — and truly gay.

The top-of-the-line Lexus LS has the luxury but lacks the opulence to be truly gay.


The envy inducing Mercedes S class has opulence to spare. Totally gay.

Mazda’s MX-5 is an ex-gay — it started acting straight when it dropped the name ”Miata.”


Volkswagen’s cute little drop-top Beetle is so gay it wants you to leave Britney alone!

Every last one of them.


There hasn’t been a gay van since the days tube socks appeared in gay porn

Sean Bugg is Editor Emeritus for Metro Weekly.