Metro Weekly

Gay Judgment Day

Stonewall Baby

It’s a gorgeous Sunday. Just about one of the last perfect days of 2009. But am I outside enjoying it? No. And why not? Two reasons, really.

First, it’s the so-called Sabbath Day. As the unholy harbinger of the fall of the American empire, it’s best to be sacrilegious. Second, sowing the seeds of societal decline is hard work. Who has time to while away taking in the autumnal foliage?

To make things worse, the work has been getting even harder lately. The problem is that more people seem to be wising up to the gay agenda. When upstanding citizens thought that all we wanted was their children – and that’s certainly not to say we’re not still interested in stealing any kid we can get our hands on for our gay-ification experiments – it was much easier to go about dismantling everything those same citizens have worked so hard to build. And by ”build,” I of course mean simply attending regular worship services and tithing appropriately, as only God alone really builds societies.

Listening to recent testimony regarding legislation to allow for marriage equality in the District, or to allow the whole of Washington to vote on one minority’s civil rights, there is disturbing evidence of growing awareness of the gay master plan for America’s End Times. Witness after witness pulled the curtain back on our machinations, tipping off the City Council and the Board of Elections and Ethics to what’s at stake by disobeying God’s word and recognizing the civil rights of gay people: everything! Once you turn your back on God, who knows where the damnation will end? Hurricanes, the recession and H1N1, or locusts, famine and Judgment Day?

It may also make little difference that there are a variety of views when it comes to interpreting God’s will. Matt Barber knows what time it is and, damn him, he’s not afraid to expose those charlatans who seem to spend not nearly enough time pondering hellfire and entirely too much time on love.

Barber, director of cultural affairs at Liberty Counsel, among a number of other super-righteous affiliations, recently dismissed the growing D.C. Clergy United for Marriage Equality group. ”These are a group of leftist secularists essentially dressed up in the garb of clergy,” he pointed out to OneNewsNow. ”[W]hat do you do call clergy who abandon the fundamental tenets of their faith and adopt instead the lies of the world? I call them counterfeit clergy.”

Curse you, Barber, for refusing to be duped!

Although Barber is wise to our pink plans for the destruction of everything good and holy, I’m more worried about Donald Carcieri. Matt may be loud, but Donald has actual power. He’s the governor of Rhode Island. And what’s worse than a rightfully homophobic person in power? One who knows about our magical death rituals, that’s what! I don’t know who tipped off the governor about our use of the entrails of our dearly departed to shift cosmic balances and curry favor with the Demonic Lords, but it must’ve been somebody. Why else would he have vetoed legislation allowing us retrieve the remains of those we love?

Sure, he might try to hide his real intent, offering, “[T]his bill represents a disturbing trend over the past few years of the incremental erosion of the principles surrounding traditional marriage.” Rather, I think he knows exactly what we’re up to, as he can’t possibly think that allowing us to bury our dead is any threat to his way of life. Insight into our macabre night magic, on the other hand, likely has him shaking in his gubernatorial boots.

The most disturbing movement comes not from Barber or Carcieri, however. What really has me worried is Uganda. Long hostile territory to our war on civilization under the homo-hating Yoweri Museveni, his government is turning up the heat on our Ugandan interlopers with the Anti-Homosexuality Bill of 2009. In a sense, who can blame the God-fearing Ugandans for considering legislation that would clear the path for executing “repeat offenders.” It just means they know what’s at stake: the entirety of civilization. We may have to ignore Uganda in the short term, but once we’ve left North America and Western Europe nothing but smoldering ash, then we can turn our apocalyptic attentions to the damnably wise Ugandan threat.

In the meantime, we can only hope that this recognition of the danger we pose to the very foundations of a healthy society is limited. If not, the righteous residents of D.C. and elsewhere may realize that if they really want to please God, they shouldn’t stop at denying marriage equality. Considering how very busy God is, if someone wants to stand out and ensure ample blessings for his or her city, these annoyingly good people may consider the Ugandan plan. When pondering the cloud-carpeted afterlife of golden cities, winged angels and Easter bunnies – wait, is that last one biblical or pagan? – what upstanding American wants to be snubbed by some superior Ugandans who had the balls to please God with sacrifices?

Will O’Bryan, Metro Weekly’s managing editor, was born as the Stonewall Riots ended, making him a Stonewall Baby, he insists.

Follow Will O'Bryan on Twitter @wobryan.