Dear President Trump,
Hey, gurl, hey! Ba’Naka here! I just wanted to reach out and give you a few helpful tips to make your move to Washington as smooth as possible. Ya’ know, just a courtesy from one superficial celebrity to another.
Let’s begin! Social Media. As a Drag Queen, my scathing wit, sharp tongue and ability to be incredibly petty has taken me far and garnered the love and respect from dozens of dozens of inebriated fans. However, President Trump, you are no drag queen, despite the many similarities in makeup wiggery and taste level. When addressing social media (or anyone else for that matter, you need to present a sense of professionalism, statesmanship and at least some semblance of sanity. Basically, you need to be “Presidential.” Think more Ronald Reagan, less Archie Bunker.
Look I get it, as a drag queen, I get the pleasure of yelling at everyone indiscriminately — it’s fun and it burns calories! From the price of duct tape to the winner of RuPaul’s Drag Race, I have an opinion on everything and have no issue letting it be known — and that’s okay, because I’m a drag queen. You sir, however, are now the keeper of the highest office in the land.
Gurl, you need to pick your fights! Leave Miss Streep alone! Besides being a darling and an icon she is not your concern! You’ve got bigger fish to fry! You gotta keep an eye on your good Judy’s like Miss Russia, Miss China and Madame North Korea. If they are anything like my contemporaries, they are some shady ladies! They will try and snatch your wig and your gig in the blink of an eye. Focus, Queen! You are now our symbol of excellence! You got the crown, you won the pageant (No Tea, No Shade, but we all know that Pag was rigged anyway), now it’s time to act the part. You are working the main stage, honey! Please hold yourself to a higher standard (get off Twitter), and remember to smile, be polite and don’t burn the country down in your first 100 days. Good Luck & Don’t F*ck It Up!
Duchess of Protocol
P.S. I’m available for weddings, birthday parties, bar mitzvahs and State Dinners.
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The opinions expressed in these letters are those of the individual authors and do not necessarily reflect the views of their organizations and this magazine, its staff and contributors.
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