Hearsay

Week of March 20, 2003

Hearsay uncovers some really big newsÂ…
What’s a giant spleen got to do with it?Â…
Sunday events galore in DC and BaltimoreÂ…

Hearsay got word the other day that there’s possibly something very interesting transpiring on P Street. Hearsay did a little digging and verified the facts, but its editors have put a clamp over Hearsay’s big yapping maw until further verification could be obtained. Hearsay wonders what might happen if it just blurted the big secret out, like this — RUMOR HAS IT [Hello, we're Hearsay's editors and seeing that Hearsay continues to exhibit any lack of control whatsoever, we shall exercise it for Hearsay. Call it censorship if you like, we prefer to call it prudent.] SOLD! There. Now you know all!

Hearsay finally located that scrap of paper with the name of James Decker’s boyfriend on it — James Decker, who, by the way, works for the Human Rights Campaign, a place where Wayne "I Got Me A Book Deal!" Besen no longer works. Anyway, that boyfriend’s name is [Hearsay's Editors here again. In this case, we're not censoring Hearsay. We're just being annoying.] and he’s a really terrific guy, or so Hearsay hears.

Spring has started to sproing all over the place. Hearsay knows this because its eyes are itchy, its nose is runny, and and its wallet has been emptied out because Claritin-D costs a goddamn fortune now that it’s over the counter. But with the warmer weather, out come the boys (and some girls). And Hearsay likes the boys. In fact, Hearsay was considering placing a Gaydar in this very paper after spotting the most luscious lad imaginable at VelvetNation‘s recent Spring Fling, when Hearsay realized it could simply Gaydar the young man from its pulpit here on page 66. (You, however, can turn to page 75 and learn all about Gaydar-ing, among other Personals-related matters.) Now that Hearsay’s gotten that Shameless Plug out of the way, here are a few more items of interest: Next Wednesday, the Eagle plans to continue its new tradition of Dyke Night with a blast o’ beer and a reading of the Big Shaggy Verginie Monologues by The Mautner Project’s Dathleen MaBold and Degan Muffy. Rumor has it MaBold and Muffy will go on tour with the project, which was penned by the world famous lesbian porn avenger, Pike, along with a giant plastic crawl-through spleen. "More people need to understand what the spleen does," MaBold told Hearsay. "It’s one of those secret secreting organs. Anyway, back to the boy from Velvet. You’re blond, you’re 21 but look 18, you have a rock hard chest, you were dancing with a queen, and you seemed like, well, a real, down-to-earthy kind of pot of yummy hunny. Just like the kind Pooh Bear sticks his fingers into. Wanna be Hearsay’s Piglet? Email Hearsay at Hearsay@metroweekly.com as soon as you read this.

In other news, Hearsay is making plans to head up to Baltimore on Sunday, March 30 for the Purple Passion Sunday Tea at the Hippo. The doors open at 7 p.m., after which they stay open. Isn’t that a neat trick? And if you wear purple, $3 will be stripped from the general admission price. How’s that for a deal? For more info call 410-547-0069Â… This Sunday, however, Hearsay will be up till the wee hours — 5 a.m. to be exact — to check out the increasingly popular afterhours dance-a-thon, Sunday Mass. Presided over by DJ Blaine "Soilme" Soileau, the event can be found at the club Between Friends, at 1115A U Street NW. This week’s party is a Cherry 8 kickoff, to boot! For more information, visit www.sundaymassdc.com…  And finally, Hearsay has plans to wrap up its Sunday at Chaos for Mr. Gay D.C. USA Pageant at 10 p.m. Hosted by Xavier Bloomingdale, the evening will feature appearances from (take a deep breath now) Mr. Gay N.C. USA Raphael Matthews, Mr. Gay D.C. USA Ray Matthews, Mr. Gay USA at Large 2002 Tim Allen, Mr. Gay USA 2001 Antonio Edwards, and special guest Mr. Gay USA 2002 Kyle Ean. Is that enough Mr. Gay USAs for you?

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Hearsay

The Green Lantern serves up a new attitudeÂ…
The Eagle spreads its wings for the girlsÂ…
Tidbits from all over the gossip globeÂ…

You may be wondering where Hearsay’s been all this time. Well, wonder away all you want. Hearsay’s been on hiatus, far away from the snowy horrors of D.C. on a fact-finding mission for the C.I.A., better known as the Culinary Institute of Armenia. Hearsay was sent by the C.I.A. to Guadalupe to find a rare fruit known as the Cramituprassberry. It seems that when pressed between the rock-hard buttocks of a young muscle-bound man, the berry produces a microdroplet of the most insanely delicious nectar ever tasted by gay men (lesbians, on the other hand, recoil from its slightly bitter aftertaste). Anyway, it takes two billion berries to make one luscious teaspoon. In retrospect, Hearsay wishes it hadn’t accepted the assignment, though the pay was good, and Hearsay met a Guadalupan boy (yes, he was over 18) who knew just how to squeeze Hearsay’s plump, fruity berries.

Anyway, Hearsay’s back and there’s just so much to report that Hearsay’s just gonna start and go. First of all, Hearsay hears that there’s been a big change at one of the bars. The Green Lantern has a great big new logo and a new attitude. It also has new window treatments and handmade wall sconces so elegant, they might have been ripped from the walls of The White House. It’s really quite the bee’s knees, to use a phrase coined by David Richards, long gone Washington Post sourpuss theatre critic (the queer boys at the Post are much more chipper these days). The Lantern has also upgraded its audio and video system, and is now featuring Hearsay’s old friends Alan "Lord of the Buffalo Wings" Chasan and Bill "Kirstie Alley Fan Club Prez" Keart on Fridays and a sizzling hot VJ named Rob "Sir Ralph" Richardson on Saturdays. And every Saturday in March, the Lantern is offering All You Can Drink Draft Beer for $5. Yes, you do have to hold onto your cup all night, but most of you are probably better at that than holding onto your men, aren’t ya now?…

Moving on to leather, Hearsay isn’t touching the hottest item of the week, in respect to its ties to the community. So it will touch the second hottest item: The Eagle let in girls. That’s right, the First Official Eagle Dyke Night took place last Wednesday, February 26. The threat of inclement weather didn’t keep those leather-packin’ mamas from showing up at the bird, its welcoming wings wide open as if to say, "You may not have dicks, but we dig you chicks." The night, which will occur on the last Wednesday of each month, is yet another way in which the Lesbian Community is finding joy in the once male-dominated world of leather. And we hear the men are liking it, too. Hearsay applauds Dyke Night founders Schelli "I Tried Velcro Once and It Stuck For a Year" Dittman and the handsome Max "Stings, Tubas, and Trombones" Steiner for getting the leather girl scene going. Anyone for some Playtex action?Â…

A few weeks ago (okay, a few months ago, but who’s counting?), Josh "Let’s Make A Deal" Dunkelman and David "Match Game PM" Goodhand were in Los Angeles for a taping of The Price (of alleged Sexual Harassment) is Right. The pair, it seems, are the kind of maniacal fans of this long-lasting game show one usually calls avid (if one is being polite). While Josh and David weren’t called to "Come On Down!" they were seated right behind contestant’s row, where they could be seen shouting homoerotic advice to the contestants ("Higher! No Lower! No Higher! Higher! Lower! Oh, yeah, that’s the right price!") The episode aired one Monday in January and in honor of their television appearance, Eric "Can I Turn that Letter for You?" Hirshfield threw a small morning gathering at his 18th & U Duplex Diner. Dunkleman bartended for the event, earning a whopping $62 in tips, all of which was donated to the local ASPCA to benefit of Bob Barker’s spay and neuter campaign. Rice-A-Roni was prepared by Keith "Wheel of Fortune" Johnson and served by Stuart "Card Sharks!" Spencer. Guests included Brad "The Dating Game" Ferris, Craig "Gong Show" Engel, and Jim "Win, Lose, or Draw!" Bell. By the time Showcase Showdown rolled around it was almost noon. But that didn’t stop the mimosa-and-bloody Mary enriched revelers from enjoying Eric "I’ve Got a Secret" Siddall‘s shirtless rendition of numbers from Evita atop the Duplex’s barÂ…

Here are some quick ‘n’ tarties: Hearsay mourns the loss of Sheridan’s. Owner Steve "Let A Smile Be Your Umbrella" Sabatini made a great go of it — and gave Capitol Hill its finest gay steakhouse, but circumstances conspired and the bar succumbed. Here’s hoping that Steve finds a new venture soon, closer to DupontÂ… Is it true that two homosexual chefs have put their heads together and are opening a new restaurant? We just wonder: are there going to be jalapenos whipped into those garlicky mashed potatoes?Â… Hearsay gives its Decoration of the Year award to Chaos, whose Valentine’s Day décor was a bright red statement of over-the-top brilliance. Wow. Just wow. It made Hearsay’s heart stand on endÂ… Happy Bi-Annual Anniversary to James "Triple" Decker and his beau of six months whose name Hearsay wrote down and then promptly lostÂ…

Got something juicy for Hearsay? Or do you just wanna share the love? Write hearsay@metroweekly.com.

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