Metro Weekly

Coverboy: Ricardo

Coverboy Ricardo is as congenial and laid-back as they come.

Coverboy: Ricardo -- Photo: Julian Vankim

Coverboy: Ricardo – Photo: Julian Vankim

“This is my ‘Mary Jane’ there. This is my gay tattoo. This over here means peace, love, and happiness.” Ricardo is showing off his multitude of tattoos. “This is my music. And I have a barcode on the back of my neck. Everyone always asks, ‘Can you scan?’ And I’m like, “I actually haven’t tried.”

The 29-year-old D.C. native is as congenial and laid-back as they come. An hour conversation with him is casual and candid. He’s worked at the Crew Club for the past 5 years, a job he enjoys. “I like that I can be myself there,” he says. “I don’t have to come in and wear a suit and tie and be this other person. I can just come in, do my work, and go on home.” As for that barcode, when prodded that he should get it scanned to see if it rings him up as worth $1 million, he laughs, “I’d be like, ‘Give me my money, then!'”

What’s on your nightstand?
Lube, poppers, and condoms.

What’s in your nightstand drawer?
Clothes. Accessories. Hats and jewelry.

Night owl or early riser?
Night owl. At night time, I’m up and I’m a little more Ricardo.

What’s the last thing you bought?
I have this obsession with Monster High Dolls. I have nineteen of them now, so that was the last thing I bought.

A Monster High Doll?
It’s like my modelling thing. I pose them up, I dress them up, and stuff. It’s fun for me. I like little, weird stuff.

What was the one that you just bought?
He is a unicorn and a zombie put together.

If you could have any superpower what would it be?
I would want to be Iceman. Ice powers. Probably some type of water something because if you can do ice you can probably do water.

For what purpose? To make your own Slushies?
I guess it’s more or less kind of how I am. I kind of close myself off to people, so I’d envelope myself in ice.

What was the last thing you binge watched?
Amy Schumer. She has this new show on Comedy Central and it’s very funny.

What was the last movie you saw?
I went to see Warcraft last night.

And?
It’s a good movie. The actors were very mediocre. They didn’t draw you in. Paula Patton was a bad fit for that movie.

Do you think it would have been better if you were stoned?
I was stoned.

Coverboy: Ricardo -- Photo: Julian Vankim

Coverboy: Ricardo – Photo: Julian Vankim

Name three musical artists you’re currently listening to.
La Roux. Sia. Fall Out Boy.

What are your three favorite night spots?
If I had to pick, it would be Cobalt, The Fireplace, and Nellie’s.

What makes an hour happy?
Spending it with friends.

What’s your drink of choice?
Bacardi and coke.

Pick three people, living or dead, that you’d like to have drinks with.
Prince, David Bowie, and Scarlett O’Hara. I know she’s a fictional character, but that’s my bitch. I love her.

What animal would you be?
An owl. They seem wise.

Grindr, Scruff, or in person?
Maybe Adam4Adam. More pictures. More info about the person that you’re trying to talk to.

How many dates have you had so far this year with guys you’ve met on an app?
Probably just two.

How many of those were good dates?
Neither.

Describe your dream guy.
It would have to be a dude, very laid back, very just go with the flow, lots of tattoos, some piercings, any color, any race, not very skinny, not overly muscular.

I take it you wouldn’t date any of the dolls.
No. They’re too skinny.

Unicorn boy is painfully thin.
Yes. I should just feed them sometimes.

What’s the most unusual place you’ve had sex?
On a smoking balcony.

What’s the most memorable pickup line you’ve ever heard?
It wasn’t really a pickup line, but I had someone who said he wanted to put me under water, pull the water softly over my head, and baptize me. I never returned his calls.

What was your worst date ever?
I got catfished. Different picture, yeah. He was out of shape, not that attractive. It wasn’t him at all. It was just a totally different picture. I’m just sitting there the whole time like, “You lied to me and you’re still trying to come on to me and trying to talk to me.”

Favorite make-out music?
Trance music.

Coverboy: Ricardo -- Photo: Julian Vankim

Coverboy: Ricardo – Photo: Julian Vankim

Apple or Android?
Android.

Marvel or DC?
Marvel.

Avengers or X-Men?
X-men.

Beyonce or Lady Gaga?
I can’t pick. Do I have to pick?

Salad or Big Mac?
Salad.

Hot dogs or burgers?
Hot dogs.

Sausage or bacon?
Sausage.

Kathy Griffin or Wanda Sykes?
Kathy.

Anderson Cooper or Rachel Maddow?
Anderson.

Anderson Cooper or Don Lemon?
Anderson.

Anderson Cooper or Wolf Blitzer?
Wolf, actually. He’s fun. He’s cute.

Let’s get this straight. Anderson beats Rachel. Anderson beats Don. But Wolf beats Anderson?
He’s the older, white gentleman with the white hair, right?

Yes.
With the glasses.

Yes. He beats Anderson Cooper?
I mean, Anderson Cooper is gorgeous but I like people who are more interesting.

Which of these daddies would you want to get a spanking from: George Clooney, Hugh Jackman, or Mark Cuban.
Who is Mark Cuban?

Ever see Shark Tank?
The bald headed gentleman?

No. He’s the one who owns the Mavericks.
Oh. Definitely Hugh Jackman.

What’s your greatest fear?
To die alone.

If your home was burning, what’s the first thing you’d grab while you leave?
I live with my brother, so I’m making sure my brother is up and out. But I would grab clothes just to make sure I’m not just out here looking crazy because who knows who is going to be there.

Would you leave the dolls to melt?
I would not leave the dolls if I could get them, but the clothes would come first.

What if it were a choice between the dolls or Wolf?
It would probably be my dolls, because he has done nothing for me.

Poor Wolf. Let’s hope he’s never in your home when it’s burning to the ground. Also, we take no responsibility if Wolf Blitzer shows up at your house and it burns down. Your favorite Tumblr?
All the nasty ones.

Coverboy: Ricardo -- Photo: Julian Vankim

Coverboy: Ricardo – Photo: Julian Vankim

What was the name of your first pet?
I don’t have any pets.

Did you ever have a pet?
No. I’m waiting to get him.

What would you name your first pet?
Mister. I already know what I want. I want a black Scottish Terrier. He would be a my little Mister.

What was the name of the street you grew up on?
Stanton Terrace.

Your porn star name would be Mister Stanton Terrace.
Which is not that bad if I just cut off the terrace and keep the Mister Stanton.

That seems a little fetishy. Does size really matter?
Yes. If I’m on the bottom I like to feel it. I’m not a size queen but I like at least eight and up and a nice thickness to it. Nice and girthy.

What if it’s smaller?
I’m a nice person. If you pull out a small penis I’ll do whatever I need to do with it, but I probably won’t call you back for another time because if I’m here for penis, I want — I don’t want penis, I want dick. There’s a difference. Penis is seven and smaller. When I say dick I’m thinking, you know, it’s going to fill your mouth up. It’s going to be something. I don’t use cock, actually. Just dick and penis.

Dick, penis, and no cock.
Yeah. I don’t use cock. I don’t ever say it.

Well, and who really does? What vegetable do you think you most resemble?
A peanut. I feel like I have a peanut head.

What era do you think you belong in?
Definitely the eighties. My style is punk rock, urban. Style-wise, definitely eighties.

Is Donald Trump a racist?
I wouldn’t say he’s a racist. I will say he is privileged and only knows his very own, so he doesn’t know how to be a president for everyone. He knows how to be a president for his people but not for everyone. I wouldn’t say he’s racist though. He says those type of things and he doesn’t mean anything. It just means, “I’m rich, and I’m powerful, and these people are beneath me.”

Do you think he’d be a bad president?
Yeah. He’s not for the people, he’s just for his people.

And Hillary?
I would rather Hillary but I don’t really know too much about her, either. I know more about Bill. Bill, for me, was a good president. He did what he needed to do. I feel like she knows what to do since she was there through that. Maybe.

Coverboy: Ricardo -- Photo: Julian Vankim

Coverboy: Ricardo – Photo: Julian Vankim

What would you like to be remembered for?
Being kind. Being a good singer.

What do you like best about your life?
I love that my family still loves me. I live with my brother. I see my mother and sister all the time. I have great friends that I’ve had for, the last ten, eleven years.

Would you rather live longer or be wealthier?
Be wealthier. Unfortunately in this life you have to have money to enjoy everything. You might be able to enjoy things that don’t cost stuff but everything that life has to offer you, you will probably have a better life if you are more wealthy.

What’s your philosophy of life?
Peace, love, and happiness.

That’s your tattoo.
Yeah. Everything would be so much better if there was peace in the world. If people loved each other it would be so much better and everyone would be happy.


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Randy Shulman is Metro Weekly's Publisher and Editor-in-Chief. He can be reached at rshulman@metroweekly.com.