Metro Weekly

Truly Yours

Dealing with Armageddon, seeking permission to use a sling, and porn watching etiquette

Truly Yours by Lena Lett

Dear Lena,

Am I the only one around here who feels this incredible sense of DOOM and DREAD hanging over my head all the time? Our government is a joke, there is horrible violence everywhere in the world, our economy is a wreck, and even when it isn’t, the prosperity we enjoy comes at the expense of other human beings we don’t even know exist. Yet everyone I know wants to keep on fucking around, party to the hilt, shop and gossip, blah, blah, blah. I mean, if we don’t wake up and smell the proverbial coffee, the world as we know it isn’t going to exist in what could well be the very near future. Help!

— Chicken Little

Well, you must be a load of fun at Happy Hour. Are you off your meds again, honey? Only kidding, of course. Cheer up, little dark cloud! People of all times have felt that they are living in the last days, so this time should be no different. As the old adage goes, “If you want to change the world, start by changing yourself.” The best way to teach is to lead by example. Not words, but example. Try some volunteer work, or organize a protest — anything that will make a difference in an issue that’s important to you. Your sense of doom and dread may be your wake up call to lead a better life, and your change may be the wake up call for others to do the same. Remember: for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.

Dear Lena,

When house-sitting, is it required for you to ask to use the resident sling in the basement while the owners are away? I’ve always wanted to try it, but I only have an efficiency apartment.

Swing Envy

It depends on the relationship you have with the people for whom you’re house-sitting. Would you fuck in their bed without asking, or is it understood that may happen? They obviously trust you, but erring on the side of caution and asking for “special” privileges is always best. Once you have the go-ahead, have at it. But do remember to clean up your mess. No one is thrilled to come home from a vacation to a messy sling.

Dear Lena,

If I’m being intimate with someone while watching porn, and he asks me to move or switch positions so as to see the TV screen better, would that be considered rude?

Horizontal Hold

I believe that everyone should watch porn, if for no other reason than I have wigs to buy. However, in this situation, your partner is being rude. The act of lovemaking should be the focus. The porn can augment that act, but it sounds as if it’s just become an obstacle. Rudeness in the bedroom is worse than being poor and should not be tolerated. Tell your partner how you feel. If he is unable or unwilling to understand, then leave him with nothing but his porn. I’ll bet he gets a clearer picture then.

Truly Yours,


The year is barreling to a close, my little boughs of holly. Time to reflect on 2002 and resolve to do better next year. Are you going to make the same mistakes twice? (Or the fourteenth time, or the fifty-seventh…?) Not with Miss Lena here to set you straight — so to speak. Send your questions to now so you can get the advice you need.

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