Metro Weekly

Straights to Hell

Commentary: Stonewall Baby

The Mid-Atlantic Leather Weekend has come and gone, and hats off to the Centaur MC organizers for once again doing their part to actually express the sentiment behind ”land of the free” here in the nation’s capital. As usual, the whole affair transpired with revelry, camaraderie and nary a hitch. The only snag was the successful effort by the Americans for the Truth About Homosexuality to get the private ”Obama Inauguration Pig Sex Orgy,” planned to take place during the weekend over at the Doubletree Washington Hotel, cancelled.

I’m not worried that too few got to express themselves sexually during MAL. Nor am I worried about the guys from Atlanta’s Fort Troff retailer, who had organized the orgy, being terribly hurt by the cancellation. Judging by the toys they sell — and their truly stellar customer service, I should add — these boys must be masters of the quick recovery.

What I worry about is the internalized homophobia perpetuated by AFTAH’s narrative. Certainly, it’s not theirs alone. It belongs to a larger population that sees gay people as evil and subhuman. Sometimes, it’s so loud that somewhere in our psyches we may even begin to believe it.

Pam Spaulding’s ”Pam’s House Blend” blog carried the most community feedback regarding the cancellation. A substantial amount suggested that we, as a community, should do a better job at policing our actions — holding ourselves to a higher standard, in essence. I doubt some of those commentators would agree with me that avoiding hotel conference-room orgies is a higher standard. I would counter that you have no idea what these pervy straight people are getting up to.

A quick craigslist peek for straight shenanigans in Naperville, Ill., where AFTAH is based, offers a 43-year-old man hoping to meet an Asian or Latina, aged 18 to 35, ”for father/daughter relationship. Looking to spoil and love.” That’s some kinky shit.

Like AFTAH President Peter LaBarbera falling down the homo-curiosity hole, I found myself compelled by hetero hedonism. I know my parents had sex, as do other straight people I call friends, but they were certainly reticent regarding the depths of this depraved lifestyle.

Have you heard of Thousands of het-ro-sexuals across the country are offering themselves up to one another. Many even specify ”booty call only” in their profiles, in keeping with the site’s depraved mockery of the Ten Commandments. The First Commandment? ”Thou shalt get out before the sun rises.” If that’s not bad enough, read No. 5: ”Thou shalt kiss anything except my mouth.” Many of these people could be parents!

And we’re not just talking big-city sinners. These folks come from some of the sweetest, God-fearin’-ist corners of this great land.

In Lawrence, Kansas, a stone’s throw from Westboro Baptist Church, home of the Fred Phelps clan, there’s a 48-year-old man declaring, ”Sex!!! It does a body good.” He’s looking for ”ladies or couple for 1 on 1, 3some, 4some or group fun.” And I know he’s not talking about a church picnic.

Does this all seem a little tame by your standards? Well, it sure wasn’t gay people who came up with ”bukkake.” Myrtle Beach, S.C. — yes, that’s the same state that’s home to ultra-homophobic Bob Jones University — saw the 2008 Swingers Convention. Themed ”fantasy rooms.” And a dungeon. In a hotel with conference rooms and everything. ”Ho-tel” is more like it, thank you very much.

”Stilettos on the Sidelines” was front-page news of the Jan. 24 issue of the St. Petersburg Times, reporting on adult venues gearing up for Super Bowl XLIII. ”The Super Bowl is a command performance for a city defined, in part, by its international reputation for lap dancing,” the paper reports. ”Tampa has 30 licensed adult dance clubs, adult theaters, live model studios and adult bookstores on record at City Hall.” You know, one or two might even cater to gays. Still, color me shocked.

But Super Bowl only lasts a day. Straight people can take an entire debauched vacation at any of the uninhibited, adults-only resorts that beckon them. Feeling hedonistic? Head to Hedonism — II or III (Hedonism I seems to be missing), both in Jamaica, where mobs have attacked gays. The cheeky brochure text is too much: ”Pleasure comes in many forms. Choose one. Or two. Or more.” Or head to Mexico for the Temptation Resort: ”Temptation’s Cast Members lead the charge each day with fun, sexy and adventurous adult activities.” I can only imagine.

Still not convinced that the so-called straights need to clean up their dirty act? Alrighty, then. Try renting Rocco’s Obsession With Teen Supersluts — any installment in the series should do — or Cherry Jul’s Extreme Gang Bang Party. Really, there must be hundreds of thousands of titles to choose from. It’s enough to leave you wondering if straight people are doing much of anything but, well, each other.

Point being: I would hope that the next time someone makes you, Mr. or Ms. GLB or T, feel somehow guilty or dirty or lesser for exploring your sexual nature, the next time you hear someone say, ”Heterosexual by God, homosexual by behavior,” you will remind yourself that there is a national chain of restaurants called Hooters, that a North Carolina beauty queen once abducted a 21-year-old Mormon missionary whom she chained to her bed as a sex slave, and that if straight people weren’t having sex for the pure fun of it, the phrase ”family planning” would be obsolete.

Will O’Bryan, Metro Weekly‘s managing editor, was born as the Stonewall Riots ended, making him a Stonewall Baby, he insists.

Follow Will O'Bryan on Twitter @wobryan.