What’s on your nightstand?
I got a book, water, my phone, my sucky-suck things for in the middle of the night because I have acid reflux. Oh, my God, calcium pills. I can barely see it because I’m blind. My glasses are there somewhere, I can’t see them. And a little 12-step book that you’re supposed to read every once in awhile.
What’s in the drawer?
Pens, books that I don’t read, and ear plugs in case I have company, which I haven’t had in a year and a half. A little electric vibrator that I never use. Things like that.
What are your television favorites?
You know, that is really embarrassing but I watch UFC fighting and I’m going to admit to it. It’s horrible and I don’t care that the women are fighting now. I watch it. That fighting is crazy.
What’s in your DVD player right now?
The International with Clive Owens. I like political thriller espionage stuff like that.
What was the last movie you saw in a theater?
What was your favorite cartoon when you were a kid?
I had a lot. The first one that came to mind was Adam Ant, though. I loved him.
And then of course, there was the singer Adam Ant. It was very confusing to me.
And you knew he wasn’t the same guy because he didn’t wear a helmet!
Who is your greatest influence?
Lucille Ball was my greatest influence as a kid. I saw that a woman can be funny and strong and a leader and that was Lucy. And then my second one was Joan Rivers. She really kind of taught me how to be a comedian because I dressed as her and did her whole album on stage — and I wasn’t supposed to but I did. I thought she was awesome.
What’s your greatest fear?
A nagging fear is not getting to a level of success where I am making enough money to make what I think I’m happy. That’s terrible. I’m happy. I’m buying into the whole “you have to make a certain amount of money to have made it.”
Who gets on your nerves?
I get on my nerves. I have to relax. My brain is a chatterbox: “You’re not doing enough of this, not enough of that, you have to do this.” Shut up already. I’m fine. I’m doing well.
Pick three people living or dead who you think would make the most fascinating dinner guests imaginable?
Martha and George from Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf. I would love to have them over and watch them go at it for awhile. Those 2. That would be fun and scary. Then I’d have to have somebody calming in the room to balance it out, but I’m stuck on that one. I’m not good with the dinner guests.
What would you serve?
Some sort of chicken and rice pilaf kind of thing with delicious vegetables.
How would you describe your dream girl?
My dream girl is tall and independent and has a great job and is funny and caring and beautiful and a great body. Isn’t that everybody’s dream girl?
Define good in bed.
Patient and caring and sexy.
What’s the most unusual place you’ve had sex?
I think maybe in an elevator. That suits me.
You gotta be quick between floors. Who should star in a movie about your life?
Ugly Betty, I think. She’s not really ugly. She’s funny. I have this perception of myself. I had glasses growing up and so I always say I was an ugly kid growing up so I have this sort of perception and I was. My mother dressed me ridiculous with the pigtails and glasses and kilts and I’m a twin so we dressed exactly alike. My brother hated that! That’s my little joke.
What’s something you always wanted to do but haven’t yet tried?
Man, you know, I’ve kind of had this crazy thing in the back of my mind that’s always there. I have this hermit thing which is trekking somewhere or living in the woods alone, this crazy wilderness survival thing. But I saw Into the Wild and I thought I would just die out in the woods if I ever tried it. But I have something inside me that wants to go live in a cabin for a year and live off the land and all that crap.
What’s something you tried that you never want to do again?
Bicycling around Bora Bora. I bicycled around the whole island and I was halfway and I thought “Why did I do this?” It was so hot and the bugs and the sweat and the sun. It was crazy. At one point I put my foot down in a giant patch of venus fly traps. It was like living on Gilligan’s Island. It was horrible.
What’s the most you’ll spend on your hair?
What about a pair of shoes?
Probably the most would be $110.
What’s your favorite season?
Fall in New England, I’d say.
What type of animal would you be?
Some sort of big cat. Tiger, cougar, something like that. Oh, they’re just great, crazy and wild and fun and exciting and strong.
What kind of vegetable would you be?
What’s something that you want more of?
What are you most grateful for?
State your life philosophy in 10 words or less.
Try to respect everyone and make them feel comfortable.