Metro Weekly

Coverboy: John Sextoin

John began life as a flesh-colored block of polychloroprene on the factory floor of Baker Plastics Inc. While his brother Pop went off to find fame, fortune and an untimely death-by-puncture in the party balloon industry, John became a self-fulfillment worker. He first floated into D.C. last December, after a stint as a backup balloon in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, where he learned a lot about celebrity peccadilloes. ”Those balloons have such inflated egos,” he groans. “Don’t even think about getting between Underdog and a fire hydrant.” John’s now studying to be a relationship counselor — ”We all need a helping hand, or other part, at times” — and enjoys spending free time hovering over local dance floors.

What’s on your nightstand?
An alarm clock, a copy of Paul Budnitz’s I Am Plastic: The Designer Toy Explosion and some Armor-All ready-wipes.

What’s in your nightstand drawer?
Condoms, lube and a tire pump.

What are your television favorites?
The Real Plastic Surgeons of Beverly Hills and The Brady Bunch. There’s something about that Mike Brady that makes my nozzle squeal.

What’s the last movie you saw in a theater?
Deep Throat. To be honest, I can go farther than Linda Lovelace did. A lot farther.

What was your favorite cartoon when you were a kid?
Pinocchio. We have a lot in common, but it’s not my nose that grows. When I lie I make guys very, very happy.

What superhero would you be?
Plastic Man. Duh.

Who’s your greatest influence?
The Michelin Man. When I was just barely out of my mold, he convinced me that there were better things in life than working on a cruise ship as a life raft.

What’s your greatest fear?
Safety pins.

Pick three people, living or dead, who you think would make the most fascinating dinner guests imaginable.
Plastic Jesus, Rubik’s Cube and Lady Gaga.

Those aren’t exactly people.
Rubik is pretty close.

What would you serve?
Bread and water for Jesus. Vegan kosher for Rubik. And a nice tall glass of amniotic fluid for Gaga.

How would you describe your dream guy?
Sturdy. Down-to-earth. Someone who doesn’t float away on a whim. Also, someone I can fit like a glove.

What physical attributes do you look for in a guy?
A good grip.

Define good in bed.
Caring, attentive, willing to blow me up if I’m feeling deflated.

Who is your favorite musical artist?
Yoko Ono Plastic Ono Band.

What’s your favorite website?

Who was your first celebrity crush?

Who should star in a movie about your life?
Home Alone‘s Macaulay Culkin. No one does my expression better.

If your home was burning, what’s the first thing you would grab when leaving?
My patch kit.

What’s your biggest turn on?
Big lung capacity.

What’s your biggest turn-off?
Leather with spikes.

What’s something you’ve always wanted to do but haven’t tried yet?
I’ve always wanted to get a Prince Albert, but, you know, pffft.

What’s something you’ve tried that you never want to do again?
Helium. I thought I would never come down off that stuff.

What position do you play in the big baseball game of life?

Boxers, briefs or other?
Commando. I’m all about quick access.

How much would you spend on a haircut?
You’re kidding, right?

On a pair of shoes?
I take it you’re still kidding.

What’s your favorite food to splurge with?
Blow Pops.

What kind of animal would you be?

What kind of plant would you be?
A rubber tree.

What kind of car would you be?
A Big Wheel.

What’s something you want more of?
Well, I’m modeled after John Holmes — at least that’s what the box says. Let’s just say, given John’s legend, I got shortchanged in the accessories department.

What are you most grateful for?
Kite string.

What’s your dream job?
First balloon at the Macy’s parade. Once that Snoopy bitch retires.

State your life philosophy in 10 words or less.
Sit back and let the world come in you.

Watch Dylan blow the coverboy!