Metro Weekly

Coverboy: Robert

Baltimore native Robert is unashamedly obsessed with amusement parks

Coverboy: Robert - Photo: Julian Vankim
Coverboy: Robert – Photo: Julian Vankim

“I’m obsessed with amusement parks,” says Robert. “I’m obsessed. That’s my life.” Although the 31-year-old Baltimore native isn’t shy about picking local favorites — he loves Six Flags America, Hershey Park and King’s Dominion — he has a list of standards a park should abide by. “Busch Gardens has amazing roller coasters,” he says, “but they don’t have a lot. It’s a lot of money to get in and they don’t have a lot to offer, because I don’t like shows, I don’t like all that mumbo jumbo. I’m there for the rides. A lot of coaster enthusiasts get mad at me because I’m more about the quantity in the park over the quality of the park.

“When I get on a coaster,” he continues, “I don’t think about my daily problems, I don’t think about the wars that are going on. I use it as an escape. I lost my job. What did I do that weekend? I went to Six Flags because I needed to get away, I needed to not think about that I lost my job.”

He’s currently looking for work in the hotel field, but would relish a chance to one day work in upper management at a theme park. “I’ve been all over the country and through Canada on rides in amusement parks,” he says. “I know how they should function and how they should work. I’m weird, I don’t criticize a park for the way it looks unless it’s dirty. When I went to Six Flags Magic Mountain, it was just dirty everywhere. When I went to La Ronde in Montreal, it was just disgusting. Some people complain about how some parks don’t have enough shade, and stuff. I’m like, ‘Well it’s fucking summer, what do you expect?'”

What’s on your nightstand?
My alarm clock, a noise machine and a lamp.

What’s in your nightstand drawer?
Old memorabilia, because I keep everything. Things like letters, postcards, a card from my mom. And, of course, condoms and lube.

Coverboy: Robert - Photo: Julian Vankim
Coverboy: Robert – Photo: Julian Vankim

Are you a night owl or an early riser?
I am an all-the-time person. It boggles my boyfriend’s mind how I’m always up.

You don’t sleep?
I sleep, but I wake up at 7 a.m., and I’m like “Okay let’s go!”

What’s the last thing you bought?
I treated myself to two pairs of running shoes from Sports Authority because they’re going out of business.

If you could have any superpower what would it be.
The power to heal all illnesses so people don’t have to suffer anymore. Cancer and HIV are the biggest things I would want to take away because they’re two of the biggest incurable diseases. Everyone could be happy and not have to lose anyone.

What did you last binge watch?
Friends, because they don’t have Will and Grace on NetFlix.

Coverboy: Robert - Photo: Julian Vankim
Coverboy: Robert – Photo: Julian Vankim

What was the last movie you saw?
Finding Dory. It was not as good as the first one.

Who was your first celebrity crush?
Jonathan Taylor Thomas from Home Improvement. His hair was beautiful.

Name three musical artists you are currently listening to.
Willam, from Drag Race, love her. Taylor Swift, amazing. Katy Perry, because her music to me is so relatable.

What are your three favorite night spots?
Definitely Town, because the drag show is amazing. There’s a place in Baltimore called Max’s, which is in Fell’s Point. It’s a straight bar, but that’s pretty cool. There’s also a bar in Baltimore called Mixers that’s about as big as a table. It’s a hole in the wall where everyone knows everyone. It’s fun.

What’s your drink of choice?
Any kind of cider. I’m not big on hard alcohol and I don’t like beer, so I’ve chosen cider as my go-to drink.

Coverboy: Robert - Photo: Julian Vankim
Coverboy: Robert – Photo: Julian Vankim

Pick three people living or dead that you would like to have cider with?
Walt Disney, because I’m obsessed with Disney World. Ellen DeGeneres, because I think she is hilarious without being vulgar. And the CEO of Six Flags, so I could get a job there.

What’s your pet peeve?
Judging someone before you know them.

What’s your favorite food?
Crab — I’m from Baltimore. I don’t like to pick them, I only like to eat them. Just give me a crab cake.

What kind of animal would you be if you could be any animal?
An otter, because that’s what I relate to in the gay world, as I am quite hairy.

Grindr, Scruff or in person?
In person. I’ve always been big on walking down the street and just meeting someone. I always feel like life should happen like a romantic comedy. Walking down the street, eyes meet, and then just have a conversation all night long.

What’s your biggest turn on?
Body hair.

What’s you biggest turn off.
Being shaved.

Coverboy: Robert - Photo: Julian Vankim
Coverboy: Robert – Photo: Julian Vankim

Describe your dream guy.
Someone a little taller than me. I’m not a chaser but I like thick guys. Body hair. And just treats me well, in a loving way. Someone that would do things I want to do, even if they didn’t want to do them, because it makes me happy.

Define good in bed.
Someone who takes what I like into consideration and doesn’t just focus on themselves. Someone that understands that I may not like certain things and I understand that he might not like certain things, so we just don’t do them.

What’s the most unusual place you’ve had sex?
A public campground shower.

What’s the most memorable pick up line that you’ve heard?
I’ve had a guy say something along the lines of “Do you want to see my Maserati?” I just looked at him like, “No,” and walked away.

What was your best date ever?
Probably my current boyfriend. We went to Texas Roadhouse and sat there for three hours talking. He didn’t look at this watch to see what time it was. Neither of us wanted to leave at the end. It just flowed, it just worked.

What was your worst date ever?
I was dating this guy when I moved back to Baltimore. He wasn’t ready for me to meet his roommate, so he had us sit in his car in the parking lot of his apartment complex for three hours. We just sat there and talked. It was winter, it was cold. I was like, “I’m ready to go.”

Coverboy: Robert - Photo: Julian Vankim
Coverboy: Robert – Photo: Julian Vankim


What’s your dream vacation?
DisneySea in Tokyo. The backup would be to go to some third world country and volunteer to help kids.

Apple or Android?

Marvel or DC?

Star Trek or Star Wars?

Salad or Big Mac?

Butter or margarine?

Salt or pepper?
Neither. I don’t use condiments on things.

Hot dogs or burgers?
Hot dogs.

Kings Dominion or Six Flags America?
Kings Dominion.

Kings Dominion or Busch Gardens?
Kings Dominion.

Kings Dominion or Hersheypark?
Ride-wise, Kings Dominion. Customer service-wise, Hersheypark.

Kings Dominion or Cedar Point?
Cedar Point.

Cedar Point or any other amusement park in the world?
If it’s Disney, then Disney.

What’s your greatest fear?
Not being happy.

If your home was burning what’s the first thing you’d grab while leaving it?
My safe. It’s small. It’s got my social security card, my passport and all that.

What’s your first pet’s name and the street you grew up on?
I knew that was coming. My pet’s name when I was little was Chunky, and the street was Fuselage.

Chunky Fuselage is your porn name. What would you be known for?
I would be known as the guy with all the big hairy guys, because that’s what I like.

Does size really matter?
No. I don’t like big penises. I think they’re weird-looking and tacky. Everyone talks about it. I’m like, that doesn’t make you who you are, that doesn’t make you a good person. As long as they know what they’re doing, that’s all that matters to me. If I take their pants off and it’s huge, I’m like “No, not going back here.”

What would you like to be remembered for?
How good of a person I am, how caring I am, and how I put everyone before me.

What do you like best about your life?
I like that I’m alive in this time right now. This time that we’re having all this craziness with terrorism and bombings. But on the flip side, all the progressiveness with the LGBT community. How we can get married now and we can legally adopt a child in any state. That’s huge.

Coverboy: Robert - Photo: Julian Vankim
Coverboy: Robert – Photo: Julian Vankim

What do you like least about your life?
That I don’t try enough, I don’t do enough. I always say, well I’m going to do that one day, and I don’t because I’m too scared, I’m too introverted.

Would you rather live longer or be wealthier?
Live longer. Money doesn’t buy happiness. I would rather live a steady life getting by than have a million dollars in the bank all the time and have friends that only want to be my friends because I have money or people that want to date me because I have money. I’d rather someone want to be my friend and date me because of who I am as a person.

Who’s your idol?
My mom, because of everything she’s been through in her life. She still puts on a positive, happy face and tries to provide for her children, even though we’re 31, 27 and 28. Still bends over backwards for us. Even though all the things that she’s been through her life, she’s still here and happy.

Finally, what’s your philosophy of life?
Do what is going to bring you the greatest happiness and don’t care what people think. Especially in the LGBT community, we’re so judgmental of each other. It needs to stop. It’s just too much.

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