Metro Weekly

Coverboy: Christian

DC theater actor Christian has a delicious motto: "Fries before guys, I always say"

Coveboy: Christian -- Photo: Julian Vankim
Coveboy: Christian — Photo: Julian Vankim

“Fries before guys, I always say,” says Christian. “If there were two plates in front of me and one was a guy and one was a fry, I would definitely pick the fries. I’ll have French fries literally anywhere.” And not just any fries — McDonald’s takes the top prize in Christian’s world. Of course, it doesn’t hurt that the 24-year-old actor lives across the street from a McDonald’s.

Originally from Long Island, N.Y., Christian came to the Washington to attend Catholic University, where he studied musical theater. Six years later, he’s appeared in an impressive number of local productions, including Avenue Q at Constellation, Carrie the Musical at Studio, Mary Poppins at Toby’s and Hair at Keegan. “I played Woof in that,” he grins. “I got to sing a song about sodomy.” He’s currently playing Officer Barrel in Constellation’s production of Urinetown, which runs through Oct. 9.

Christian’s ultimate dream is to be in a Broadway musical — Book of Mormon and Cats both come up in conversation — but he’s clearly thrilled to be building his theatrical resume in D.C., and marvels at the depth and camaraderie of the local thespian community. He was bit by the musical theater bug when his mother took him to his first Broadway show, Monty Python’s Spamalot. “I remember they had confetti fall from the ceiling during one of the scenes,” he says. “I still have that confetti in my room.”

Coveboy: Christian -- Photo: Julian Vankim
Coveboy: Christian — Photo: Julian Vankim

What’s on your nightstand?
A Mr. Potato Head, an Obama pin I got from the Pride Parade — it’s got a rainbow in the back — and twenty pens with no ink in them.

Because having no ink in a pen is handy.
Always. My life is completely put together in every respect.

Remind us. We’ll give you some pens before you leave.
Oh my gosh! Thank you! That’s what I’m doing this for, the pens.

What’s in your nightstand drawer?
I have an old iPhone that doesn’t work.

Pens that don’t write and phones that don’t work.
I like to collect things that won’t help me at all in my life. I also have a pair of headphones.

Coveboy: Christian -- Photo: Julian Vankim
Coveboy: Christian — Photo: Julian Vankim

Do those work?
They do, unfortunately.

Are you a night owl or an early riser?
Night owl. I hate getting up in the morning no matter what time it is. Sometimes I sleep until two.

What’s the last thing you bought?
Chipotle. That was last night.

If you could have any superpower, what would it be?
Teleportation. I’m such a couch potato that if I didn’t have to walk anywhere, that would be best. Just teleport everywhere. I’m so lazy.

What did you last binge watch?
Grey’s Anatomy. Twelve seasons. That was hard to let go of. I’m currently watching Shameless. I’m a big binge watcher.

What was the last movie you saw?
I just saw the new Star Trek the other day. I’m a fan of Sci-Fi.

Who was your first celebrity crush?
Ryan Reynolds. He is A-Number-One, top-of-the-hill. I would do terrible things to him.

In his Deadpool costume?
In nothing, preferably, but if he was wearing the Deadpool costume, I wouldn’t be upset.

Name three musical artists you’re currently listening to.
Ingrid Michaelson, Beyonce and a lot of musical theater.

Coveboy: Christian -- Photo: Julian Vankim
Coveboy: Christian — Photo: Julian Vankim

What are your three favorite night spots?
I live on Capitol Hill, so I love going to Trusty’s. If I’m going out dancing, Town. I love going there. And Desperados. They have a mystery shot. If you guess what’s in it correctly, you get the shot for free.

What makes an hour happy?
I would say alcohol, mixed with alcohol, with a side of alcohol. Also any hour with food I’m happy with as well.

What’s your drink of choice?
Vodka-cranberry, because I’m a very cheap date. I’m always like, “just give me the rail.” I don’t care what it is, just put some cranberry in it.

Pick three people, living or dead, you would like to have vodka and cranberry with.
Alexander Skarsgard from True Blood. Beyonce. And I feel like I should say somebody like Eleanor Roosevelt. I would love to see her drunk. She would probably tell me cool things about Franklin.

What’s your pet peeve?
People walking slowly on sidewalks. Nobody’s got time for that. You need to get out of the way.

If you could be any animal what would you be?
A monkey. They live free, they get to swing from trees, they have tails — I think having a tail would be cool. They get to throw poop at people. What’s better than that?

Boxers, briefs or other?
Boxer briefs. I like it tighter on the thighs, but loose in the other areas.

Coveboy: Christian -- Photo: Julian Vankim
Coveboy: Christian — Photo: Julian Vankim

What’s your biggest turn on?
Confidence and honesty.

What’s your biggest turn off?
Bad breath. It definitely takes me out of the mood. It happens to everybody, but it’s just like, “Get a mint.”

Describe your dream guy.
Has to make me laugh and be kind to people. Maybe he works at like a pizza place and he can get me free pizza. That would be awesome.

Define good in bed.
Anything that doesn’t end with like disaster or people walking in, I would say is good in bed. Finishing is always a plus.

Where’s the most unusual place you’ve ever had sex?
An elevator. It was late at night when nobody was there.

What is the most romantic thing a guy’s ever done for you?
I’m obsessed with Tabasco — I put it on everything. I had this gallon of Tabasco sauce, and my boyfriend made it into a lamp. I have it in my room now. He’s so sweet.

What’s your favorite make out music?
I’ll make out to anything. I’m not too picky. I just love making out. One time, I made out to Pentatonix, the a capella group. That was pretty hot.

What’s your dream vacation?
I love being on a beach. Anything where I can just sit in the sun, get some skin cancer with a drink in my hand, I’m a fan of.

Apple or Android?

Marvel or DC?
Marvel. I’m a huge X-Men fan.

Star Trek or Star Wars?
Star Wars.

Beyoncé or Lady Gaga?
It’s too hard. I love them both. Beyoncé.

Salad or Big Mac?
Big Mac. Come on.

Butter or Margarine?
Butter. Sometimes I just eat butter.

Coveboy: Christian -- Photo: Julian Vankim
Coveboy: Christian — Photo: Julian Vankim

Edging towards a heart attack. Salt or pepper?
Salt. I’ll put salt on anything.

Definitely going for the heart attack.
This interview is actually my last thing. I’m just going to walk out the door and have a heart attack. I’ve planned it.

Hot dogs or burgers?
I’m going to have to go with hot dog. I had a hot dog iPhone case for a while, so I have to stay true to my roots.

You had a what?
A hot dog iPhone case. It was shaped like a hot dog. It was really cool and fun — it was silicone. It was hard to put in my pocket, though.

Sausage or bacon?
Bacon, always. It smells too good.

Hillary or Trump?

Who do you think is more trustworthy?
I’m going to say Hillary again. Anybody but Trump. He lies all the time, so I would definitely say he’s less trustworthy.

Do you think he should release his taxes?
Yes, I do. He’s hiding a bunch of stuff, so I wouldn’t be shocked to see what comes out.

He says the American people don’t care about his taxes.
That’s a lie. If we didn’t care, we wouldn’t be asking about them.

Which of these daddies would you like to get a spanking from — Tom Selleck, Hugh Jackman or Idris Elba?
Idris Elba. He’s so hot. I would let him spank me any day of the week.

What’s your greatest fear?
That the world runs out of cheese.

What’s your first pet’s name and the name of the first street you grew up on?
Dotty Smith.

There’s your porn name.
She also doubles as a spy for the CIA in Russia.

Does size really matter?
No, I don’t think so. I’ve seen a bunch of sizes, and if you know what you’re doing, you know what you’re doing. If not, we can figure it out together.

What era do you think you belong in?
I would have loved to be a teenager in the ’80s. I love ’80s fashion, ’80s music. I like the huge shoulder pads, and the headbands, and the neon. I would definitely do the ’80s, anytime.

What would you like to be remembered for?
For my smile, and for encouraging people to do shots. Always having a drink in your hand and make bad decisions.

What are you most grateful for?
My mom. She’s an amazing woman and helps me out everyday, even though she’s super annoying and calls me way too much.

Would you rather live longer or be wealthier?
Live longer. I’m not looking to be wealthy — I’m an actor. But would love to live super long, have a full life, and then see how my friends die before me.

Who’s your idol?
Tituss Burgess and Nathan Lane.

Finally, what’s your motto?
Live for the moment, and enjoy everything while you can, because, hey, tomorrow it can all be gone.

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