Metro Weekly

Do These Five Things for Valentine's

4. Pony Up, Put Out

This is the no-brainer. A meal is nice, but it ain’t nookie. Certainly, there is no guarantee that this will be any great sex. Quite the contrary. Valentine’s Day sex is as obligatory as honeymoon sex, but without the trappings of a fabulous honeymoon. The cat will still be trying to climb on you. The neighbor’s car alarm will still be going off. Like a regular Tuesday, you’ll still be dragging in after work, coming home to bills in the mail. And you’ve got to do dinner on top of that? Yes, you do. And you’ve got to have sex, because if you don’t, it’s the last thing you’ll think about as you fall asleep: ”We couldn’t rally for Valentine’s Day?” That just seems sad. But no pressure.

However, there’s no need to go overboard. You don’t need to set up the sling or strew rose petals all over the bed. You just need to be able to fall asleep with the sweet satisfaction of knowing you went through the motions, even if it was just a handjob.

If your relationship is as open as the day is long, shut the doggie door tonight and focus on your primo.

This is a no-brainer for the singles, too. Get laid. Exercise your freedom and get busy. Better yet, kick Valentine’s Day in the balls and pick up a couple.

Follow Will O'Bryan on Twitter @wobryan.