Metro Weekly

Coverboy: Tim

Bubbly Coverboy

If you like your men excitable and effervescent, Tim may be the Alka-Seltzer you seek. A self-described ”Navy brat” whose family moved frequently, this middle child of five loves to joke, laugh and socialize. No shrinking violet, the 22-year-old waiter and aspiring musician lays bare all his personality quirks, from his habit of annoying people by constantly singing, humming and whistling, to his summary of his life philosophy based on the song ”Teach Me How to Dougie.” He finds stimulation in trying new things, so his Mr. Right had better have an action plan prepared. Although he usually works the evening shift, you’ll occasionally catch him at Nellie’s or singing along with showtunes at JR.’s on Monday nights.

What’s on your nightstand?
An empty Chinese-takeout container and an empty Miller Lite can.

Coverboy: Tim

Coverboy: Tim

(Photo by Julian Vankim)

What’s in your nightstand drawer?
Bath towels.

Where do you keep the condoms and lube?
In my dresser drawer.

What are your television favorites?
Bunheads, Family Guy.

What was your favorite cartoon when you were a kid?
Rocko’s Modern Life.

What superhero would you be?
Green Lantern. The ability to create anything out of nothing seems like an endless possibility.

Who’s your greatest influence?
My momma. She pushed me to be everything I am today. Without her, I don’t know where I’d be.

What’s your greatest fear?
I cannot stand spiders. They freak me out. On a more psychological side, being alone. I do not like to be alone.

Pick three people, living or dead, who you think would make the most fascinating dinner guests imaginable.
Seth MacFarlane, Kristin Chenoweth and Chris Thile, a bluegrass musician.

What would you serve?
I’m a notoriously awful cook, so probably takeout of some sort so nobody gets food poisoning. I may not be able to cook, but I can order a mean pizza.

How would you describe your dream guy?
Someone willing to try new things on a daily, hourly basis.

Define good in bed.
I’m all about a good cuddler.

Who should star in a movie about your life?
I get a lot that I look like a Jonas brother. So maybe Joe Jonas. Plus he sings, which is pretty cool.

Who was your first celebrity crush?
Steve (Scott Weinger) from Full House, because he was the voice of Aladdin. If I could have had a crush on a cartoon character, it would have been Aladdin.

Who gets on your nerves?
People who butcher the English language. I just wish people would try to cherish our language and wouldn’t try to finish a sentence with a preposition, split an infinitive, or have subject-verb disagreement in a sentence.

If your home was burning, what’s the first thing you’d grab while leaving?
My common sense, because I’m not good under pressure. But then probably my memory box, because it has all my little mementos and I’d be lost without them.

What’s your biggest turn-on?
Humor. I like to make jokes. If someone can keep me laughing, I’m usually theirs.

What’s your biggest turn-off?
People who try too hard. Things should just be simple and natural. They shouldn’t be forced, ever.

What’s something you’ve always wanted to do but haven’t yet tried?
I’d like to go to Europe. I feel, at 22, I should have at least backpacked or schlepped my way through Europe.

What’s something you’ve tried that you never want to do again?
I have a phobia of condiments of all kinds. Recently, a friend of mine encouraged me to try mayonnaise again, to see if my taste buds had changed. I hated it. I’m never trying it again.

Boxers, briefs or other?
If I’m wearing underwear, it’s briefs.

Who’s your favorite musical artist?
The Punch Brothers.

What’s your favorite website?
I’m a Facebook junkie.

What’s the most unusual place you’ve had sex?
In a study lounge in a dormitory at William & Mary. On one of the tables.

What position do you play in the big baseball game of life?
I’m no sports buff, but I guess if I had to pick a side I’d be the pitcher.

What’s your favorite retail store?
H&M pants and shorts can give me a booty. I really appreciate that, because I have no ass.

What’s the most you’ll spend on a haircut?

What about on shoes?
My friends make fun of my limited shoe collection. I recently paid $80 for a new pair of shoes, and it was the most I’d ever spent. I know that doesn’t seem like a lot, but $80 is like parting with a child for me.

What’s your favorite food to splurge with?
I have this ritual of, once a month, going to La Tasca and ordering their unlimited tapas menu, and seeing how many I can eat in one sitting. One time I ate 10 whole tapas. I was so proud of myself. I may be skinny, but I have the mentality and appetite of a fat man.

What’s your favorite season?
Winter. Something about all the snow being so pristine and silent. It’s so peaceful and pleasant.

What kind of animal would you be?
A dolphin. They’re intelligent, and they get to swim and perform tricks all day, which would be pretty badass.

What kind of plant would you be?
I always thought that lily of the valley would be a cool, dainty flower to be.

What kind of car would you be?
Definitely a Mini Cooper.

What are you most grateful for?
I’m most grateful for music. It’s my center. If I didn’t have music, I’d probably just crumble into pieces.

What’s something you want more of?
An extra three hours in the day would be perfect. And a few extra dollars here and there wouldn’t hurt, either.

State your life philosophy in 10 words or less.
You just do you, and Imma do me all day.