Metro Weekly

Will O’Bryan: The 2024 Rabbit Hole Awaits

Ever since Hillary Clinton lost the presidential election, trying to guess what the future holds has become fraught.

Photo 23650732 | Alice Wonderland © Petarpaunchev |
Alice Wonderland © Petarpaunchev |

Welcome to a fresh start, a new chapter, a novel orbit. If you mark the Gregorian calendar, welcome to 2024.

Ever since Hillary Clinton lost the presidential election, trying to guess what the future holds has become fraught. We may have been far from the promised land, but at least we still seemed to be heading in the right direction. You know what happened next. Boo, polling. Though it was a disastrous night for common sense, too.

Then Covid caught us with our pants down — despite 2011’s Contagion conveniently giving us a very good idea of what a global pandemic out of China might look like.

There have been predictions aplenty that we should be in a recession right now. We’re not.

So, while it’s understandable for one to wonder what the year may have in store, any prediction comes with a grain of salt. Or maybe one of those Morton 3-pound boxes of coarse kosher salt.

To start this particular year, right out of the gate we’ve got predictions for whose names are going to pop out of the late Jeffrey Epstein’s papers. At the time of writing, I’m hearing all about Bill Clinton. By the time anyone reads this, damage control should be in full swing. With Donald J. Trump easily surpassing Bill’s lasciviousness, is a DJT mention too much to hope for? I think we can all safely predict at least a Donny cameo.

Having already mentioned the president who should have been, the president who was, and the “Oh, my God, are those election results accurate??” president, you sense a theme. Election predictions will occupy most of the year.

I’ll guess that President Biden will be bitten by a shark while body surfing in Rehoboth in late summer. It won’t be a fatal chomp — just a nibble — but enough to sideline him. So close to Election Day, Vice President Harris will have to step into the top spot as both president in Joe’s absence, and 2024 Democratic presidential candidate. She’ll choose Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg as her running mate. Finally, my dream ticket!

Meanwhile, over in the GOP tiny tent, Dump will have secured the nomination. But, lo and behold, dementia sets in around the same time as Joe’s bite. During a visit to New York City, presumably for a court appearance, Trump pees himself while talking to reporters.

The world finally gets the pee footage it has not been waiting for. The Trump campaign is sunk, even if the Moms for Liberty endorsement remains solid. The Republicans scramble and are left with Slack-Jaw Jim Jordan. None of the primary contenders will do, as the base needs a successor whose mouth stinks solely of Trump’s ass.

Surely the voters of America wouldn’t elect Jordan president, so it’s Kamala and Pete for the win. 2024 is looking better already! (Note: We voters of America could absolutely elect Jim Jordan. We’re just having fun here.)

George Santos may have left D.C., but his upcoming year is surely full of more fun than his Cameo vids. My guess is that 2024 will have him teaming up with soul-sister Milo Yiannopoulos for a new Off-Off-Broadway musical. Milo will play young Ayn Rand, while George will portray her in her dotage. Don’t be surprised this year when you find yourself passing up an evening at Randy! The showstopper will be a song-and-dance duet, “Sympathy’s for Suckers.” You read it here first.

While 2023 gutted affirmative action efforts, 2024 will be the start of serious discussions regarding a formal racial reparations plan. If right-wing activists/attorneys can’t stomach lightweight efforts to make amends for past crimes, fine. Reparations accounting for the loss of generational wealth due to slavery, Jim Crow, redlining, economic segregation, etc., should have a much greater impact than diversity hiring and the like, anyway.

The year ahead will also bring renewed vigor to efforts to abolish the Electoral College. We disenfranchised Washingtonians should be leading the fight to ensure that the vote of the urban activist carries as much weight as the fabled rural farmer’s.

Living remotely with a gun rack on your truck doesn’t make you somehow more patriotic than the first-generation Eritrean-American shop owner living downtown, and your vote shouldn’t be weighed more heavily. Seriously.

Of course, the highlight of 2024 will be Ukraine’s victory and Russian withdrawal. It will be glorious. Ukraine will open its border to a rainbow wave of Queer Russian refugees, who will offer abundant creativity and dedication in rebuilding the newest and largest member of the European Union. NATO membership will need to wait to 2025, though I’ve every confidence that President Harris will get it done.

Will O’Bryan is a former Metro Weekly managing editor, living in D.C. with his husband. He is online at

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