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Rating: (1 out of 5)
Friday, 10/17/2003, 11:59 PM
Feature presentation, $9 at Visions Cinema
French with English subtitles
SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, at some time, must have asked the question, “What if Buffy the Vampire Slayer were French?”
That person really deserves to go to hell.
Why? Well, let’s review.
Bloody Mallory is a French secret agent charged with seeking out and destroying the supernatural and paranormal. As such, she smokes a lot and drives around in her souped-up hearse with her two compatriots: the drag queen Vena Cava and the mute psychic pre-teen Talking Tina. Mallory, you see, became entwined with the demon world on her wedding day when her husband is revealed as a demon and she must hack him to bits like a latter day Lizzie Borden.
Now she’s on the trail of demons who have kidnapped the new Pope for the evil angel Abbadon the Dark. Or, perhaps there’s more to this Pope than meets the eye. Of course there is! The Pope, you see, talks less like a pontiff and more like that uniquely American preacher Pat Robertson, and you know what that means.
Such ennui! Such je ne sais quoi! Such merde!
As Mallory, Olivia Bonamy spends nearly every moment on screen, looking for all the world like Molly Ringwald having a really bad day. Matters aren’t helped much by lackluster editing, clumsy fight choreography, and an annoying herky-jerky style that makes everyone move like Ray Harryhausen skeletons.
But wait! This is supposed to be a comedy, a mordantly witty commentary on religious fundamentalism and sundry other important topics. Point taken, but it would have helped if in the midst of all the comedy something funny actually happened.
We knew Buffy. Buffy was a friend of ours. Mallory, you’re no Buffy.