It wasn't that long ago that Hearsay trundled off to rehab -- way before it was cool. Way before Jeff "Prescription is the Word" Conaway and Amy "Hiccup" Whine-whine-whinehouse. But aside from the occasional lapse every other Friday and twice on Saturdays, not to mention every Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and every third and a half Sunday, Hearsay thought it had its imbibing under control. Turns out, Hearsay just had it all under pressure. Too much pressure, and eventually one's cork just really, really pops. Here it comes. Wait for it. Wait for it.
Well, that was anticlimactic.
So, anyway, Hearsay has an important announcement to make: Hearsay plans to check in to Rehab this weekend. You over there, with the brandy snifter, why don't you come with! And you there, with the martini pitcher. And y'all from Kentucky with the moonshine still. Come one, come all, as the Rehab Hearsay has in mind is only 20 minutes from downtown -- you don't have to travel far or abstain long. In fact, you don't have to abstain at all -- unless you're referring to that nasty mark where your belly-button ring used to be. Rehab, you see, is the new name for what has for years been Montgomery County, Maryland's ''premiere GLBT nightclub.'' Yes, Virginia, there is such a place, the formerly named De Lounge in Wheaton, at 11305 Georgia Avenue. The joint's been totally rehabbed, and just wait till you see all the entertainment they're uncorking. And all for free -- every night, no cover! Tomorrow night, Friday, Feb. 29, at 11 p.m. you can see all your favorite "draglebrities," including Ella ''Lost Weekend'' Fitzgerald, Esmeralda "Sugar" Kane Jaymes and Riviera "You're So" Vain. Will they each perform a number from a celebrity rehab candidate? From Britney to Whitney to Amy to Lindsay to Beatrix the Loin-Tamer and Her Groin-Kickers? We'll see.
The ''official grand opening party'' is set for Saturday night, the first day of March, when Rehab's manager Eric ''Here, Have Another!'' Evans will bring in DJ Alex ''Rhymes with Drunk'' Funk from Baltimore to intoxicate Rehab clients with his cocktail of Top 40, progressive and funky house, not to mention $2 rail and domestic beers all night. Hearsay's drunk just thinking about it....