Rating: (1 out of 5)
Thursday, 10/20/2011, 9:30 PM
Feature presentation, $12 at West End Cinema
ENOUGH WITH THE vampire craze already! I mean, haven’t we had enough of the draining of arteries and overt sexual undertones and super-buff werewolves. (Well, maybe not super-buff werewolves.) That said, the vampiriffic craze has officially hit an all-time low with Bite Marks, a blood-soaked dud produced by Dennis Ashe. What’s that? Never heard of Ashe? Gee, maybe you’ll recognize him by this name: Dink Flamingo.
Yes, the producer of such adult hits as Bareback Recruits, Battle of the Bottoms, and Rear Formation 2: Anal Retreat is seeking legitimacy in the film world with a limp stab at horror-comedy. Yet all he and writer-director Mark Bessenger succeed at is creating an exercise in cinematic futility that is far too gory, not in the least bit funny, and frightening only to certain exotic breeds of dogs.
You might recognize the film’s button-cute twink David Alanson. His nom de porn is David Townsend, and he can still be seen in various states of carnal bliss if one knows how to Google. Look, it’s not that adult film actors shouldn’t strive for a legit career. It’s just that some got it and some don’t. And for all his valiant effort, Alanson simply lacks the skills a thespian needs to succeed in the world of real cinema.
Here’s the truly sad part: Alanson gives the best, most engaging performance in Bite Marks. I’m not sure what the rest of the cast is doing, but it would be inappropriate to call it acting.
The plot goes something like this: A gay couple is hitchhiking. They get picked up by a brick-stupid, latently gay trucker who’s hauling a coffin. In said coffin lies a vampire. Truck breaks. Vampire thirsty. Sucking commences. Suck, suck, suck! Die, die, die!
After 90 minutes, we head home wondering if our $12 wouldn’t have been better spent on NakedSword.com.
A footnote: Bite Marks must be the first film in history to carry the following end-credits acknowledgement: “[Thanks to] the undercover cop who let two of my cast and crew walk instead of busting them for possession.” Good lord.
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