Metro Weekly

Chuckles for the Win

Watching Santorum ''rickroll'' Romney on Tuesday night had lots of LGBT people dancing the schadenfreude shuffle

Perhaps my main disappointment in the Ninth Circuit decision finding California’s Proposition 8 to be unconstitutional is that they couldn’t wait a week to release it on Valentine’s Day. Obviously there is no romantic bloc among the three judges who rendered the 2-1 decision.

I kid, of course. The bigger disappointment was the narrow scope of the ruling, that Proposition 8 was an unconstitutional taking away of already granted marriage rights, which is nice for those in the handful of states (plus the District) that have extended marriage equality to their gay and lesbian citizens, but a bit lacking for everyone else.

But that sounds curmudgeonly on an occasion that should warrant joy and celebration. It may not have come on Valentine’s Day proper, but it was certainly Valentine’s adjacent.

Also bringing tidings of joy and celebration of a more decidedly ironic nature on the same day was Rick Santorum’s three-state sweep of victories over Republican presidential front-runner Mitt Romney. From my Twitter and Facebook feeds, it seemed much of the LGBT community was dancing the schadenfreude shuffle as the Minnesota, Missouri and Colorado results rolled in. Of course, our gay Republican and conservative friends weren’t joining in, but at least we can note that the one thing that seems to unite Log Cabin Republicans and GOProud is a loathing of Rick Santorum. It’s not exactly ”Kumbaya,” but it’s a bit of extra peace in the world.

Anyway, I caught some of Santorum’s triumphant victory speech in the locker room at the gym — the only place I really see any cable news these days — and was suitably repulsed. There was the usual criticism that President Obama is an elitist who wants to tell everyone what to do, leveled by a rich white guy just itching for the chance to tell everybody what to do. Then there’s the bit where Santorum pronounces that he’s for all Americans, not just some of them.

Oh, do tell, mister man-on-dog. The sound you hear is the sound of millions of LGBT eyeballs rolling skyward.

I’ll admit to doing a little ironic victory dance myself — though just a little, because dancing to cable news shows in a gym locker room is the kind of thing that’s rightfully frowned upon. Not long ago, we were all agog with, ”Newt Gingrich could be the nominee? Are you shitting me? I can’t wait for November!” Now, after six weeks or so of Newt’s lunar ambitions and his-and-her helmet hair, we have Santorum rising from the political ashes to make Romney’s life a living electoral hell into the spring. The popcorn crowd that watches political contests purely for the theatrics — pretty much all of D.C. — couldn’t ask for anything more.

Hey, Dan Savage, it really does get better!

Obviously, the inherent comedy factor of a potential Republican nominee who’s so troglodytically homophobic that he’s even behind my 99-year-old rural grandmother on gay issues is so compelling that it’s pulling me away from my very serious and stern opinion that we should hope the Republicans nominate the best candidate possible, because the last thing our country needs is another worst case scenario.

I want to be serious, but how can I when Rick Santorum has won four states in the Republican primary season? Give me something to work with, GOP. Otherwise, I’m just going to have to give in, whip up some popcorn and enjoy the show.

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